[Episode 21] Where Are They Now? Victims of Villainette de Eville Speak Out

Interesting Fact: Villainette de Eville singlehandedly reduced the carbon footprint of an entire planet. She accomplished this by turning every life-form into carbon munching slugs.

Villainette de Eville's passion for the environment didn't stop there. Over the course of her reign of terror, she's turned factories into dragon-guarded castles, private planes into irritable swans, and locked 33 unscrupulous businessmen in a single port-a-potty. Truly, she is a paragon of environmentalism.

Mito, Dolly, and Rob visit a town cursed by Villainette de Eville. As they explore the unusually musical town, they find that not everyone is enjoying their new life.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Dolly: Welcome back to the Crack. My name is Dolly. My hobbies include baking and yoga. I'm very flexible.

Rob: Um, Dolly? Why do you sound like you're writing a dating profile?

Mito: I'm Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and author of story briefings that no one ever reads.

Dolly: I skim them every now and again.

Rob: You're just so… thorough. It takes you ten pages to write it when you could've said it in two sentences. I need a dictionary just to understand our destination.

Dolly: You do use an awful lot of ten-dollar words, dear. Don't give me that look. I'm not complaining. I've just never seen the word 'anachronistic' used by a real person.

Mito: Anachronisms just refer to anything belonging to a period other than the one it currently exists in. For example, a fizzywhizbit is far too advanced for the underwater city of Telarus.

Dolly: Thank you, Professor Mitochondria.

Mito: If my companions weren't illiterate, they would know that we are supposed to introduce ourselves with an interesting fact.

Dolly: Hey! I gave an interesting fact. Rob is the illiterate one.

Rob: I'm not illiterate. I can read all sorts of things. Wait, is this for that new marketing campaign Mr. Stanton was talking about? Project Better Me than You?

Mito: That's the one. Too many viewers were starting to complain about the allegedly dangerous working conditions of CBW Channel reporters. Preposterous. We all love working at the CBW Channel.

Dolly: Absolutely, positutely.

Rob: It's the best. No complaints.

Mito: As we all force wide, beaming smiles onto our faces, I glance around the newsroom. Mr. Stanton's beady little eyes peak over the brim of his Best Boss Ever trophy. For a palm-sized, fuchsia dragon, his scrutiny feels unusually heavy. Perhaps it's time we move on from this topic. [hushed] Rob, give your interesting fact so we can leave.

Rob: But why? Won't that just encourage viewers to connect with us? I thought Mr. Stanton wanted the complaints to stop.

Dolly: He's hoping that if we start talking about ourselves, our loyal viewers will realize how obnoxious we are. Nothing kills a movement faster than irritation. What's your fact? You could tell everyone how thick your biceps are. Ooh! Or your thighs. I can help you measure.

Rob: Hi. I'm Rob Skythrust, and I can play the lyre.

Mito: You can play two songs on the lyre.

Rob: That's two more than you can play.

Dolly: Mito, dear, wasn't this a special episode? Shouldn't we get a move on? We're burning daylight.

Rob: I glance up at the sky. Nope. It's still gone. There is no sky in the crack between worlds. There definitely isn't a sun. The best we get is a strange, hazy grayness.

Mito: I wave my hand in the general direction of Dolly's imaginary sun. I brace myself for transportation.

Mito: We materialize in a quaint town.

Dolly: Never mind that. We're alive!

Rob: No temporal storm. Nobody has turned to goo. Quick, check your toes.

Mito: For a moment, we stand quiet with intense looks of concentration on our faces. As we wiggle our toes to check their attachment, it strikes me how odd this must look to a passerby.

Dolly: Who gives a hoot what they think? Between all the temporal storms and close calls, I think we're entitled to a little caution.

Mito: With all our toes accounted for, I examine our surroundings. As previously stated, it's a quaint town. The street is quiet, but not so much that I'm concerned about stumbling onto the rotting remains of a massacre.

Dolly: You're so pessimistic. It's cute! This is exactly the kind of place I always thought I'd settle down in. I might've actually considered buying a house down here. It looks awfully familiar. Maybe I've seen it on a postcard?

Mito: You'd know if you read the briefing.

Rob: I set down the sparkly navigation shoes that match Mito's shiny, silver lead reporter hat. It should be her job to carry them, but I didn't want to risk her forgetting them. Again.

Mito: I don't like you.

Rob: I tap the heels together and hold on tight to the leash. The shoes begin prancing down the clean street. We turn into a neighborhood.

Mito: Viewers, make sure your psychic receptors are tuned in so you can see every inch of this pleasantly neutral town. We'll try to describe the visuals, but some of us are far more descriptive than others.

Dolly: I know you're not talking about me, dear. Short, charming houses stretch ahead as far as the eye can see. I hear the sounds of children playing, but I can't see where they're coming from. It almost reminds me of… [uneasy realization] oh, no.

Rob: What? Is something wrong?

Dolly: It's probably nothing.

Rob: The last time you used that tone, we were stumbling into a nest of zombified werewolves. If you think trouble is coming, you need to warn us.

Dolly: Don't mind me. I'm just a worrywart.

Mito: The heels stop in front of a two-story house. Even without the navigation shoes, I would've known to begin our investigation here. The house is a color that can only be described as lime green. A magnificent treehouse takes up most of the yard, and there appears to be a slide coming out of a window on the upper floor. Most telling is the strange music emanating from nowhere.

Rob: Why is everyone dancing? Where did all these teenagers come from? They just appeared!

Mito: You'd know if you read my briefing.

Rob: Should we dance?

Dolly: Our dear Mito eyes the random dancing teenagers. Shrugging, she begins to flail in time to the music. Wow. If an octopus fought a seagull and lost, and then a penguin tried to tell the story solely through interpretive dance, it might look something like this. And now Rob is breakdancing. Who taught him to breakdance?

Rob: This is a traditional dance on my homeworld.

Dolly: Interesting. On my home world, we just call it the worm.

Miranda: Wow. Sick dancing.

Rob: Oh, I'm not sick. It's just allergies.

Rob: What the flippety! Where did that come from? Who's laughing?

Miranda: You must be new in town. I think I'd remember painting a face like that.

Rob: Where are these sounds coming from? Who is oohing? There's no one around to ooh! The kids ran off after the music stopped.

Miranda: You know how kids are. They're always got somewhere to be. Let's just hope that somewhere isn't the police station.

Rob: What's happening? My brain hurts!

Dolly: Dear, don't you think you ought to put Rob out of his misery.

Mito: Internally, I wonder if I should let him spiral a little longer. I might insult his literacy, but he is perfectly capable of reading my briefings.

Rob: Mito!

Mito: I turn to the woman. She's a tall brunette with paint smears on her face. I'd offer her a moist towelette, but her clothes are covered in paint as well.

Mito: Hello. My name is Mito. This is Dolly and Rob Skythrust. We're from the CBW Channel. We reached out for an interview a few weeks ago.

Miranda: That's right! After the hamster invasion, I forgot all about the interview.

Rob: Hamster invasion?

Miranda: Kids, right? I'm Miranda Mambleton. I'm Carter's mom.

Dolly: That's it? You're just Carter's mom?

Miranda: I'm an award-winning artist, I guess. Mainly, I'm Carter's mom. Do you want to meet him? I'm sure he's around somewhere.

Miranda: Found him!

Miranda: I'd better go check on him.

Mito: Wait! What about the interview?

Miranda: Andy will do it. Andy? Aaaaaandy!

Mito: As we watch, a teenage boy covered in some sort of foaming bubbles trudges out of the house.

Andy: The bathroom is clean.

Miranda: Great. That's one thing checked off my to-do list. Talk to the nice reporters, okay, sweetie?

Rob: Miranda hurries off without waiting for an answer. Andy stares at us with miserable eyes. A clump of bubbles falls off his shoulder.

Mito: He's definitely not attractive enough to be a main character or love interest. His face is covered in acne, and he's a little pudgy. He looks at me, offended. I decide introductions are in order. Andy, my name is-

Andy: I know who you are, Mito'ca'hondria. Look, we don't have a lot of time. Can we skip the introductions? It's been twenty years. Is there anyone working to fix this world?

Dolly: Fix? Why would anything need fixing? You're living the dream.

Andy: Carter is living the dream. My sole purpose in life is to be the butt of every joke so he can learn life lessons through me! Do you think I enjoy this? I'm almost a forty-year-old man, and I still go to high school. [realization] Oh, no.

Dolly: We materialize in a high school. Wow, that was snappy.

Rob: What? The music played, I blinked, and now we're in a school. We're all adults. This is not appropriate.

Mito: As a passing herd of cheerleaders giggle at Rob's bewildered face, I decide that it might be time to begin the interview in earnest. Twenty-two years ago, this world was visited by the deranged sorceress, Villainette de Eville.

Dolly: Most people call her You Know That One or the Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. Rob and Mito ain't most people, so they just had to come up with their own name.

Rob: Villainette de Eville could be her name. You don't know for sure that it's not.

Mito: Villainette De Eville took offense to this town. Perhaps someone spilled coffee on her new shoes. It's difficult to speculate. Her pettiness is well known. Maybe they uninvited her from a wedding, stole salad from her garden, or refused to hand over their firstborn child.

Dolly: Do you think the sorceress wanders around the multiverse, collecting firstborn children? Who has time for that? Nannies don't come cheap. I think it's more likely someone outbid her on a property and painted her dream house an atrocious color. That sort of thing would get anyone's goat.

Rob: This town is really cheerful. You'd think an evil sorceress would prefer somewhere a bit more gloomy.

Dolly: Sugar, when everything is dark, you stop noticing the shadows. This world is perfectly positioned near a reality fracture. It's a great place to raise itty-bitty magical babies. There's enough space for the dark followers to live nearby, an excellent coffeeshop, and a whole town just waiting to be terrorized. This would've been the perfect place to establish a new villainous lair.

Mito: Rob and I consider Dolly's logic. Even Andy seems to find it plausible. At least, I'm assuming that's what he's doing. Andy is squinting at Dolly's face.

Dolly: I think you were summarizing, dear.

Mito: Right. Villainette De Eville visited this town. For an unstated reason, she cast a curse so powerful, it's still going strong twenty years later.

Dolly: Mighty good work. You don't have to like her, but you've got to admire her skill.

Rob: That's true. I hear she's a real flipper-snapper, but no one ever calls her lazy.

Mito: What curse, you might ask. The specifics of this curse are unknown, but it appears to have taken the protagonist, Carter Mambleton, and warped the entire town into some sort of deranged playground. Carter can do as he pleases without consequence, and all damage will revert to its original state by the following morning.

Andy: It's awful. Carter gets to have a perfect life. Everything revolves around him. It's like he has his own gravity. Last week, he joined the cross-country team. He was the worst runner. He almost quit, so the townspeople lined up to give him inspiring advice. One training montage later, and now he's the best the school has ever seen.

Dolly: A training montage?

Andy: You know? A five-minute song plays while Carter runs around the gym doing exercises that vaguely relate to cross-country.

Mito: A training montage isn't an uncommon experience among main characters, though it usually occurs over several months that merely feel like only five minutes. Not that I would know. I learned all my abilities the honest way.

Rob: There wasn't even music that time. This world makes no sense!

Dolly: The teacher doesn't even look up at Rob's outburst. He doesn't seem interested in teaching either. He's just sitting at his desk reading about inner peace.

Andy: That's the calculus teacher. He only bothers teaching when Carter is in the room. We've taken his class so many times, there isn't much left to teach.

Dolly: Andy opens the door and motions us back into the hallway.

Andy: Every time the school bell rings, everyone is automatically sent to class. It isn't usually the right class, but no one cares anymore. Hold on. I want to show you something. I want to show you the trophy room.

Dolly: Was something supposed to happen?

Andy: Announcing a destination or saying something mysterious usually triggers the music so people can materialize in the new place. It barely ever works for me, but I thought I'd try it. I'll take you the long way.

Mito: As Andy takes us through the squeaky school halls, I can't help but think it looks like a prison.

Dolly: Oh, bless your heart. You think a lot of things look like prison. I suppose next you're gonna say it reminds you of our sponsor, finger knives.

Rob: Do you have a bad temper and a long list of felonies? Try finger knives.

Dolly: Do you want to scratch out your enemy's eyes with long, sharp fingernails, but you just can't get them to grow? You sound like a great candidate for finger knives.

Mito: Finger knives are cheap, easy to conceal, and fun for the whole family. Best of all, they aren't illegal yet.

Rob: The process is simple. Just slip them on your fingers like you would a ring. In seconds, you have knives that extend past your fingertips. Finger knives are perfect for all your stabbing, slicing, and jabbing needs. If you've ever wanted to frame a grizzly bear for murder, finger knives have you covered.

Mito: Finger knives are not intended for nose-pickers, proctologists, or people with abnormally long fingers. Parents bottle-feeding should not use finger knives. Not recommended for Italians, sign-language users, or anyone who gestures with their hands. Do not ask your local law enforcement if finger knives are right for you.

Dolly: Andy shows us inside a room. It's filled to the brim with trophies, medals, and awards. As I look closer, my keen eyes notice something peculiar. Although the prizes seem to cover every possible sport and academic pursuit, there is only one name engraved on the glinting gold: Carter Mambleton.

Andy: He's the only one who ever wins. Sometimes, he likes us to succeed just so he can swoop in and break the record. Look at this one.

Mito: We all squint at the biggest, shiniest trophy. It appears to be given to the first-place winner of a cross-country championship.

Andy: I saw the principal hiding all the other cross-country trophies so that Carter could be the first one to bring one home from the local championship. We didn't even have a local championship until Carter said he wanted to be a runner.

Mito: Even for a main character, that's pretty extreme.

Rob: It seems annoying, but no one else seems to be as upset as you are, Andy.

Dolly: Don't be like that, Rob. Just look at the poor dear. Clearly, he's at his wit's end. He must've done something especially egregious to the all-powerful sorceress.

Andy: None of you understand. It's fine if you're a background character. Most of the time, you can live your own life. You only have to show up when Carter needs a crowd to clap for him. At worst, he might destroy your smoothie shop in a prank war, but everything is fixed by morning. His crush has a harder time, but she's expected to be indifferent. I'm his best friend. I'm the one who gets beat up by bullies so that he can step in and be the hero. When someone needs to get hurt so that he can learn a life lesson, I'm the one falling off roofs and getting lost in the woods. I'm the butt of every joke, and the jokes are not nice.

Mito: So to summarize, if the CBW Channel were to run a docu-series on the victims of Villainette de Eville, you would be willing to testify to your misery?

Andy: I'll say anything you want me to say if you get me off this planet. I'll be a reporter. I'll vote for Mr. Stanton in the Best Boss Ever elections. I'd even work in marketing.

Dolly: Not marketing!

Rob: No! No laughs. That was not a joke.

Rob: I hate this world so flipping much. [louder] Andy, it sounds like you've had a rough childhood, but it'll get better when you grow up.

Andy: I'm a forty-year-old man.

Mito: I'm unfamiliar with the age-rate of your particular species of humanoid. That puts you at what, sixteen, seventeen human standard?

Andy: You don't understand. I haven't aged in twenty-two years. No one has. I've been a pimply-faced, scrawny dweeb for twenty-two years. Please, take me with you.

Dolly: Oh, bless your little pea-picking heart. We can't skip around town taking anyone who asks. Seems to me, you must've done something horrible to the powerful sorceress. I wouldn't want to piss off someone with her track record. Before we even consider taking you anywhere, we need to know what you did.

Rob: Andy swallows. He looks at Mito and I for help. He's not going to find it. Andy might think he'd prefer life in the crack between worlds, but I doubt he would. We don't even get the good cereal.

Mito: The packaging says it's name brand, but it never is.

Rob: It's also a little cramped. I have six roommates. That doesn't sound so bad, but we share a bathroom with the entire floor. Good luck getting a shower. Sometimes, I have to use the lady's shower. You'd think that would be a problem, but most of them are very supportive of anything that requires me to remove clothing.

Mito: I'm not.

Rob: I know. That's why I wait until I know you're writing the briefing.

Dolly: Y'all are both wandering. We were waiting to see if Andy would admit to his crimes.

Mito: Do we know he committed a crime? Villainette de Eville is known to have a petty streak.

Dolly: I wish you wouldn't keep saying that. It just isn't true. Everyone she's cursed has deserved it.

Andy: I egged her car.

Mito: Rob, Dolly and I look at each other. We look at Andy, then back away. No, no, Andy. It's okay. You can stand right there.

Rob: Or you could take a step back. That's alright too.

Dolly: That's right, Rob. Your mama didn't raise no fool. Who wants to be associated with someone dumb enough to throw eggs at the personal vehicle of an all-powerful sorceress? Everyone knows how proud she was of her pink corvette.

Mito: That's our show, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Up next is the Real House-Beings of the Dermis. I know all our viewers have been waiting to see what Lady Zema, correction, Lady Ec-Zema has been up to since the other ladies of the Dermis ditched her party. Recovery has been hard since Lady Rose Acea and Sir Riases have joined forces to blast their presence across every inch of the dermis.

Rob: Lady Rose Acea is going to regret allying with a skeevy knight like Sir Riases. He'll spread his influence all over the Dermis if Lady Ec Zema doesn't stop him.

Dolly: I didn't know you watched the Real House-Beings. What do you think of Athlee TaFoot? Oops. No time for that now. Ta ta for now, my lovelies.