Longtime viewers of the CBW Channel know that many reporters view dignity and social grace as nothing more than foreign inconveniences. Notable lead reporter Mito'ca'hondria, Powerhoose of Cellaria, is infamous for her team of bumbling incompetents wrapped up in impulsivity and deep-fried in chaos. Rival team 'The Epic Battle Announcers' enjoys a reputation for excellence, however, they too are not immune to scandal.

The questionable competence of the CBW Channel reporters is public knowledge, however not much is known about the inner workings of the news network. CBW employees live in the Crack Between Worlds in company housing, shop at the company store, and receive medical care from the company doctor.

Concerned viewers have called it 'practically indentured servitude' and 'company sponsored cruelty' but what exactly goes on in the Crack? Who are these people who've fallen into the rift amongst the stars? Is Mr. Stanton nothing but a draconic robber baron, or does the iron grip on his employees serve another purpose? Perhaps these people are truly too dangerous to be left roaming.

Late last night, a whistleblower released a list of rules found in the CBW breakroom. Here are just a few horrifying examples of the chaos CBW employees are capable of inflicting upon the multiverse:

Rule 17: No employees shall be eaten, nibbled or otherwise consumed. Yes, Dolly, this includes the pigeons who've been hired to fill in while the shadow people are on strike.

Rule 18: No employees shall be baked into pies. Yes, this includes pigeons. No, it isn't acceptable if you promise not to actually eat said pie.

1. Eating around the pigeon chunks in your pie still violates Rule 18.
2. Coworkers also do not belong in puddings, gravies, or pastries of any sort.
3. If you're wondering whether your recipe breaks this rule, it probably does.

Rule 19: If a coworker asks you to bake them into foodstuff of any kind, please report the interaction to Humanoid Resources.

1. You do not have to be human to interact with Humanoid Resources.
2. Yes, sentient resources is a less discriminatory name, but the acronym 'SR' shares an unfortunate history with a legion of dragon slayers, so Mr. Stanton has decided to stick with the much less inclusive department name 'HR.'
3. If a coworker's request has obvious sexual connotations, you may use your best judgement. Provided no coworker is actually consumed, HR doesn't want to hear about it.

Rule 20: Non-humanoid coworkers are still coworkers and are subject to Rule 17.

1. This includes the sentient crawdads from marketing.
2. A crawdad boil may be part of your cultural heritage, but employees are still unacceptable foodstuffs.
3. No one is restricting cultural practices. Just stop chasing your coworkers around with a net.

Rule 21: Spearguns are a privilege, not a right. If CBW employees cannot refrain from hunting aquatic coworkers, spearguns will be placed on the list of banned weapons.

1. Bruce, the catfish from accounting, does not speak for all aquatic species and cannot give you permission to hunt the alligators. He just wants to eat the carcass, which is a violation of Rule 17.
2. CBW employees are also forbidden from using spearguns to hunt non-aquatic coworkers.

Rule 22: Spearguns are banned from the breakroom, dormitories, and all other recreational spaces on the Crack Between Worlds.

Rule 23: Spearguns are banned from the Crack Between Worlds.

Rule 24: Spearguns are un-banned, but they may only be used for self-defense.

Rule 25: The dust-bunnies have rebelled against Mr. Stanton's benevolent leadership. They are no longer considered employees and are thus an exception to Rule 17 and Rule 24.

Rule 26: Dust-bunnies may not be kept as pets. Mr. Stanton does not care how cute they are. They multiply too quickly to be contained. Violators will be fined and vacuumed.

The above rules came from only a single page of the breakroom rules. Clearly, Mr. Stanton's totalitarian leadership is the only force keeping the CBW Channel from treating the multiverse like its own personal pantry. The next time you see a petition to save the CBW employees, ask yourself, "Do I want these people unleashed upon my homeworld?

Mr. Stanton generously gifted a speargun to every employee with opposable thumbs. CBW employees were last witnessed roaming the Crack in search of lions. Said lead reporter Mito'ca'hondria, "We have to get rid of those lions. Do you have any idea how awful they're making life? Rob started wearing sunglasses on the back of his perfectly tousled hair so the lions would think he has eyes on the back of his head. It looks so stupid, he's barely attractive. Last night, we enacted a buddy system to deter predation. I got stuck with Fern. Fern. I'd almost rather be eaten."