[Episode 6] Breaking News: Time Hoppers Banned By Inter-Dimensional Travel Bureau

Interesting Fact: The inter-dimensional travel bureau has no origin. They have always existed, or possibly never existed at all. Anthropologists theorize the ITDB may have begun as the Mothers Against Time Travel Movement, but historians call that laughable. Anthropologists then called the historians 'cute.' Hostilities escalated when the historians levied accusations of grave-robbing. The resulting feud had claimed thousands of lives and wreaked untold devastation on the multiverse. The ITDB has/will declined to comment.

After the disastrous events of the previous episode, Mito, Dolly, and Rob are forced to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the CBW channel in the cramped studio. Join Rob Skythrust as he discusses time travel bans, career advice among dragons, and the origin of the Crack itself.

Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Rob: Welcome to the CBW Channel. I'm Rob Skythrust, and this is Dolly, a grandmother without grandchildren.

Dolly: Oof. Pour salt on the wound, why don't you.

Rob: On my left is Mito, princess of nothing and savior of no one.

Mito: We should've let the bog monster eat him.

Dolly: I liked Rob so much better when he was eye candy.

Rob: We've got a great story for you tonight. Make sure your psychic transmitters are tuned in so you don't miss a second of our show. For any being without psychic capabilities, I'll be sure to narrate so you don't miss a moment.

Mito: Could you sound any more corny?

Rob: Normally, we would leave our studio in the crack between universes, but due to the bad behavior of our local priss pot, we've been grounded.

Mito: I hate you so much.

Rob: Ahem. Wasn't there something you wanted to say?

Mito: In the last few episodes, Dolly and I have not given our sponsor, Notta Perfume, the attention it deserved. This was worsened by a thoughtless and untrue statement wherein I implied Notta Perfume was overpriced and overhyped. For that, we deeply apologize.

Dolly: I don't know about that.

Mito: Deeply. Apologize. Here at the CBW Channel, Notta Perfume is our favorite perfume. We wear it every day.

Rob: As a tough, rugged woodsman, I'm no stranger to working up a sweat. That's why I turn to Notta Body Spray. When I spray my Adonis belt, I go from sweaty and gross to sweaty and sexy. Notta Body Spray. It's not a perfume. It comes in a black bottle.

Dolly: Mr. Stanton has just handed me a file. It looks like there's been a change in our schedule. Our story of the night-

Rob: Not so fast, Dolly. I'm narrating tonight.

Mito: This is absurd.

Rob: Viewers might notice that Mito is currently without her sparkly lead reporter top hat. If she ever wants to see her ridiculous headwear again, she'll keep comments like that to herself.

Mito: You're overreacting. Everything turned out alright.

Rob: Sorry, did you get sacrificed to a bog monster?

Mito: You were fine. You smiled at her, and the bog monster started tripping over herself to make you happy.

Rob: You didn't know that would happen. We both thought it would eat me. Then there's the dragon incident.

Dolly: You can't forget about the dragon. Heavens to Betsy, that was a nightmare.

Mito: I didn't strap Rob to a dragon.

Rob: No, you just forced me to go undercover at a dragon riding war college. Do you know how terrifying it is to be dangling from the saddle of a runaway dragon and tossed around a battle?

Mito: You wouldn't have lost control of the dragon if you'd just held onto the reins.

Rob: I'd like to see you hold onto reins when your mount is doing barrel rolls a thousand feet from the ground. You didn't even try to help me.

Mito: What did you want me to do? Fight the fire-breathing lizard? I'm not that kind of princess.

Rob: Literally anything would be better than setting up a picnic.

Mito: I was starving! After the last dragon tossed you into the woods, it took ages for you to hike back to Windlemere War College. I could've just left you in that universe, but I didn't.

Rob: I could've left you to be dragged all across town by your sparkly navigation high heels, but I didn't. Not abandoning me in a strange universe until you're certain I've died a grisly death is the bare minimum!

Dolly: I, for one, think our lead reporter has a lot to answer for.

Rob: Tonight we'll be discussing employment opportunities among… dragons.

Mito: Censors! Do you want to be blacklisted? You're lucky Mr. Stanton bleeped it in time.

Dolly: I knew Rob was too green to lead the show. I can take over, dear. Don't you fret.

Rob: I've got it. I'm going to be the best news anchor this station has seen, and I'm going to do it without objectifying anyone's ass.

Dolly: Dragon asses really aren't anything to write home about. Honestly, if you struggle to remain objective, that says more about you than our guest.

Mito: I can admit we may have gone a little overboard occasionally, but you have a perfect bubble butt. I'm only mortal. I don't know if Dolly is, but I definitely am. If our positions were reversed, can you really claim you wouldn't stare if it was me displaying my ass?

Rob: What ass?

Mito: Oh! When did you get so mean? Dolly, make him stop.

Dolly: Our guest is waiting to enter the studio, and Mr. Stanton is twirling his tail. The last time he did that, he set the studio on fire.

Rob: Ladies and gentlebeings, please put your appendages together for Gregory Stanton! For those unable to receive our psychic transmissions, Gregory Stanton is a chartreuse dragon with orange aviators perched on the tip of his snout. He looks a lot like his cousin, Mr. Stanton, except our boss is tiny enough to fit in my palm, and Gregory is about the size of a horse. A draft horse, not a Shetland.

Mito: Most universes don't even have horses. You're supposed to compare him to something common across all universes, like pigeons.

Rob: How am I supposed to compare a dragon to a pigeon?

Mito: You can say he's roughly eighteen pigeons high and his wing span is roughly 100 pigeons wide.

Rob: Pigeons with their wings tucked in or fanned out?

Mito: I can't tell you everything.

Rob: You just made those numbers up, didn't you?

Dolly: Another dragon may have taken offense to the bickering around him, but Gregory seems like an affable sort. I take it upon myself to greet him.

Dolly: Well hello there, Gregory. How was the flight up here?

Gregory: Call me G-man! I had a great flight! There's nothing like traveling between universes. What a rush! Whoo!

Rob: Welcome… G-man. You deliver… pizzas?

Gregory: That's just my side hustle, bruh. Well, right now it's my main hustle, but we can't all be successful news station owners like my cuz!

Mito: How does that work? What with the wings and the spikes and all? The, um, tail seems like it'd make biking hard.

Gregory: It's nothing special. Like everyone else, I use a thermos bag to keep the za's warm. Honestly, the biggest difference is I save a lot on bicycle maintenance. That and the tips! [laugh] For some reason, people never stiff me like they do my coworkers.

Mito: What career advice do you have for any young dragons watching?

Gregory: Not career advice, bruh. I'm here to rage against the machine. Do you know how hard it is for a dragon to get a job? Growing up, I always wanted to be a firefighter. Do you know how many dragons become firefighters? None! I tried, and the fire marshal had me escorted off the premises. His reasons were totally bogus!

Gregory: You can't fight fire with fire, Gregory. Your wings will spread the flames, Gregory.

Dolly: Oh, pudding. That must've been heartbreaking.

Gregory: Bruh, I don't need Big Fire telling me who to be. I am my own man! The G-man!

Dolly: If you can't be their hero, you'll be their villain!

Gregory: Damn straight! Let's see how well they put out fires without me.

Rob: So you're a, um…

Mito: Hey, G-man, do you mind watching where you spit? The desk is on fire, and we kinda need it to do our job.

Gregory: Oops! Sorry, sister.

Mito: Happens to the best of us. Just to summarize, you were unfairly discriminated against, and now you are committed to becoming the scourge of your world?

Gregory: Exactly. I mean, I'm starting with the tri-state area. Once I've burned that down, I'll move onto the rest of the world.

Dolly: That seems reasonable to me. Start small and work your way up. Here at the CBW Channel, we wish you the best of luck. You're an inspiration to young dragons everywhere.

Gregory: Thanks, Dollhouse. Hehe. Cause she's a doll… house. Dolly, if you ever need a pizza delivered in twenty minutes or less, you give me a call.

Dolly: Will do, buttercup.

Dolly: As I wave goodbye to our darling Gregory, he stomps out of the studio. They aren't angry stomps. He's a large dragon and the ceiling is pretty short, so he has to sort of crouch to reach the exit. His tail hits one of our light poles, plunging part of our studio into darkness. Mito, dear, switch chairs with me.

Mito: Tell me you aren't trying to make me look glamorous so you can have surrogate grandbabies.

Dolly: Of course, Mito. I'm taking advantage of the mood lighting, not trying to keep myself from being broadcast in an ominous light. It's not like people might recognize me if they saw my face shrouded in shadows.

Mito: Grudgingly, I trade chairs with Dolly. I shuffle the file before me as I prepare for the next segment. What I wouldn't give for a little multiversal travel. I might even tolerate Rob if it meant I could leave this cramped studio. Mr. Stanton is a palm-sized dragon, not a full-sized humanoid. I feel like his size may have impacted his architectural decisions.

Rob: Mito, if you don't let me lead this episode, you'll never see your sparkly lead reporter top hat again.

Mito: I lay my head down on the table and wait for death to take me. I don't get paid enough for this. I barely get paid at all. The CBW Channel is the only employer in the crack between worlds, so Mr. Stanton doesn't have to worry about fair market value. I doubt he'd pay us at all if he didn't own the only supermarket in this hellhole.

Dolly: No one likes a downer, Princess Mitochondria

Mito: My name is Mito'ca'hondria, Powerhoose of Cellaria. If you're going to call me princess, at least get the rest of my name right.

Rob: Like any true professional, I ignore the moping priss pot and move on to our next segment. Viewers have been asking about the Crack we live in, and Mr. Stanton has given me permission to do a special, one-time only explanation.

Dolly: 62 years ago, a powerful magic user sliced through the multiverse.

Rob: I will move all of your baking supplies to the top shelf in the breakroom if you don't let me speak. You don't even have your facts straight. This year marks the 60th anniversary of the CBW Channel

Dolly: Well, I never.

Rob: Sixty years ago, an evil sorceress was sentenced to an eternity in an inescapable prison. Like all things inescapable, it was, in fact, escapable. This evil sorceress- we'll call her Villainette de Eville.

Dolly: There's no need for name-calling, sugar. I'm sure this all-powerful sorceress has a perfectly nice name.

Mito: We have to call her something. 'That one evil sorceress' just doesn't roll off the tongue.

Dolly: And Villainette de Eville does?

Rob: Villainette de Eville created a knife so sharp, it could cut its way through anything. As she sliced her way through the prison, she cut a deep wound into the multiverse. In the years since, the multiverse has bled into this crack between worlds. Not actual blood. Metaphorical blood. Life, magic, energy, you know, the universal building blocks.

Mito: Since when does Rob know what metaphors are?

Dolly: He's been taking those adult learning classes. You got him hooked on documentaries, and now he wants to know everything.

Mito: Why didn't he tell me? I wouldn't have made fun of him.

Rob: Mito, you are physiologically incapable of restraining yourself from making fun of me. Now, shut the hell up and let me talk.

Rob: Mr. Stanton, our illustrious boss, didn't like the employment opportunities for dragons any more than his cousin Gregory does. More importantly, he is a humanitarian. He couldn't stand the thought of people falling into the Crack and starving to death, so he opened a news station. Out of the goodness of his heart, he takes in lost, desperate people and turns them into reporters. Whether they are stuck-up main characters, lowly sidekicks, or doomed mentors, Mr. Stanton has created a home for everyone.

Mito: Kiss-ass.

Dolly: If he says 'we aren't a company, we're a family' I might vomit. I don't even like most of the people in the Crack.

Mito: I never liked most of my family, so… that's maybe not the best argument.

Dolly: I loved my family; they just didn't always like me.

Mito: I like you.

Dolly: Oh, bless your heart.

Rob: Along with the news station, Mr. Stanton built dormitories and a supermarket, so all our basic needs are met. His kindness is truly a shining example to everyone in the Crack.

Rob: ahem

Mito: Oh. Yes. Definitely. Mr. Stanton is very generous.

Dolly: One of the most generous dragons I know. Every time I want to complain about sharing a bathroom with twelve other people, I remind myself of his generosity. Without Mr. Stanton keeping us all from escaping the Crack, I might be unemployed. Worse, I might be living out my retirement somewhere sunny.

Rob: Exactly. Viewers, when you leave comments questioning the working conditions of people in the Crack, you're insulting a very generous man. Mr. Stanton has poured his life savings into the CBW Channel, but his hoard of gold isn't unlimited. If you're worried about our life quality, consider sponsoring your favorite reporter.

Mito: Did he just say what I think he said?

Rob: For only $5 a day, the price of a cup of coffee, you can give an employee a better life. This money could go to anything. A dorm room bigger than a coffin with a bathroom only shared between four people. College courses to help employees gain better employment opportunities. A water mask for aquatic species so they can leave the giant fish tank and explore the world around them. The possibilities are endless.

Dolly: If you would like to make a donation, please remember that the shadow people are on strike. Standing in a corner and chanting your name will do nothing but make you look silly. Instead, put the coin under your tongue and think of mayonnaise. An option to specify the intention of your donation will flash across your eyelids. Blink twice if you'd like to donate to the general fund, which benefits recently arrived employees.

Rob: Mr. Stanton is committed to bettering the lives of everyone in the Crack. That's why he only pockets 60% of all donations. If you dislike the idea of charity, donations, or funding the employees of a company who doesn't pay them minimum wage, please keep one thought in mind.

Dolly: Anyone can fall into the Crack. Anyone. You. Your elderly mom. Your children. Your lovers. The Crack does not discriminate.

Mito: One day you're a princess saving your homeworld. The next, you're exchanging counterfeit coupons at the company store. You'll buy name brand cereal and pretend it isn't a cardboard flavored knock-off. You'll waste your most beautiful years hiding in a bathroom stall so you can watch documentaries in peace. You'll get comfortable. Too comfortable. You'll install a bench in that bathroom stall.

Rob: Next thing you know, you'll start dragging coworkers into that bathroom stall to watch documentaries. He'll freak out because men shouldn't wander around the lady's restroom. The other women won't care. They have their own secrets hidden in the bathroom stalls.

Rob: In other news, the Interdimensional Travel Bureau has issued a traffic alert. All time travelers should avoid visiting the years 1778, 1999 and 4066. It seems a temporal storm has disrupted the travel stream and created a massive backlog. Travelers of any dimension hoping to reach those years should divert to December 29^th in the previous year. I repeat, that is 29.12 in galactic standard format. Any later, and you'll crash into all the time hoppers who've already diverted.

Mito: That's strange. We just visited those years. Dr. Frankenstein and the bog monster both met us in 1778, although they lived in different universes. 1999 was the cheerleader-zombie episode, and we visited Windlemere War College in 4066.

Dolly: I'm sure it's just a coincidence. You know how odd temporal storms can be.

Mito: It's a pretty weird coincidence. 1999 and 4066 are over 2000 years apart. What are the odds it would hit all four of our last locations?

Rob: You couldn't let me have this one show? Why does everything have to be about you, Mito? Newsflash, you aren't the main character in this world.

Mito: I might not be the main character, but you're still just a love interest.

Rob: I've never been just a love interest! I'm a living, breathing person with hopes and dreams.

Mito: Oh, yeah? What is Rob short for?

Rob: I, I, uh…

Mito: Robert? Robin? Roberto?

Rob: Of course I know my name! Rob is short for… It's short for…

Dolly: Don't be cruel, Mito.

Mito: What's your favorite color, Rob? What song gets stuck in your head? What's your least favorite food? What's the name of your childhood best friend?

Rob: I, I…

Mito: Is there any piece of you that doesn't revolve around your girlfriend? What about your mom? Do you remember anything about your mom beyond her tragic death in your arms?

Rob: My mom… I watched her die when I was twelve, but I don't remember anything else. How can I not remember my mom? And my goals! I had goals, didn't I? Before I met my girlfriend, I wanted things. Right? I must've wanted things before I met her. I'm empty. Oh, stars, there's nothing in me. All my opinions… they're her opinions. I'm a glorified puppet with washboard abs.

Dolly: Some people are just like that, sugar. Don't hurt your pretty little head thinking about it.

Rob: I'm gonna be sick.

Mito: As Rob stumbles out of the studio, a vague sense of discomfort makes itself known in my chest. It's probably heartburn. I knew I shouldn't have tried Dolly's potato salad.

Dolly: We're running out of time, so I'll just touch on our last segment.

Mito: Rob goaded me. He totally had it coming, right?

Dolly: If you or a loved one ingested moon tea and became pregnant with a child of prophecy, you may be entitled to financial compensation. A number will now flash across your eyelids. Call or send a pigeon for more information. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.