[Episode 7] Sir Bruce the Dragon-Slayer: Interview With a Reformed Love Interest

Interesting Fact: 40% of dragons are vegetarians, and a further 8% claim to be pescatarians. The Inter-dimensional Society for Dragon Welfare conducted this survey, and no other studies have been concluded. Biologists, archaeologists, and other naysaying elitists refuse to continue research in this area, despite 'strong doubts' about the honesty of this study. Allegedly, there were concerns over the multiple universities that caught fire shortly after challenging the academic integrity of the IDSD.

Mito, Dolly, and Rob Skythrust journey to the heart of the mountains to interview the legendary Sir Bruce the Dragon-Slayer. After the exciting tell-all the magnificent heroine interrupts Robs ongoing existential crisis to lay down her hard-won wisdom.

Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Mito: Welcome back to the CBW Channel. I'm Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and Powerhoose of Cellaria. With me, as always, is Dolly.

Dolly: Hello viewers! Make sure you have your psychic receivers tuned into our broadcast so you can see all our lovely faces.

Mito: For those poor, under-evolved sentients without psychic capabilities, we'll do our best to describe the visuals. On my left is Mr. Tall, Dark, and Broody himself. How are you doing, Rob Skythrust?

Rob: [mumbles]

Mito: Do you want to… say hi to our viewers? Maybe you could flash those dimples.

Rob: [mumbles]

Dolly: Oh, sweetie. I know you're having a bit of an identity crisis, but you can't let the author win. You are a strong, independent character. You don't need some fancy pants author to give you a backstory.

Dolly: I tried. The porch light is on, but no one is home.

Mito: Rob, seriously. I said I was sorry.

Dolly: For those who missed our last episode, Mito threw a hissy fit and pushed poor Rob into a mental breakdown.

Mito: Rob started it. Did I go too far? Yes, but he would've figured it out eventually. Every character eventually realizes that their life boils down to a carefully crafted role. I was the chosen one of Cellaria before I fell into an interdimensional portal and landed in the Crack Between Worlds. Rob was the love interest in whatever backward, vaguely medieval world he came from. You were… Dolly, what were you before you ended up in our little chasm? A mentor? No, you're pretty complex for a mentor, and hardly any mentor ever gets to be as old as you.

Dolly: Careful, dear.

Mito: As I consider Dolly's advanced age, the shadows seem to lengthen. Dolly's milky eyes seem so much sharper than they did a moment ago. Did she get cataract surgery without telling anyone? Mr. Stanton, the tiny dragon who runs this network, refuses to pay for health insurance. I've considered unionizing, but it hasn't done the shadow people any good. Once they carried comments, suggestions, and subscription fees from sapient beings in every corner of the multiverse. When they demanded reasonable pay and benefits, Mr. Stanton brought in dirty, strike-breaking pigeons to take their jobs. The news station and the dinky little supermarket next door are the only employment opportunities in this crack between worlds. I'm sure I would've noticed an optometrist.

Mito: Rob fidgets uncomfortably on his three legged stool. They are not comfortable stools, but I doubt their flat cushion is responsible for Rob's uneasiness. The shadows seem to bend around Dolly. There is no sky in the crack between worlds, but the harsh, fluorescent lights curve around Dolly's gnarled fingers and wispy hair. It creates the peculiar effect of shrouding her in darkness, even when no darkness should be possible. If only we had a psychologist in this chasm. I'd like to examine my impulse to stick my foot in my mouth.

Mito: I might be confusing age with wisdom. You're just… very wise, Dolly. Um, were you a main character?

Dolly: I can't tell you all my secrets, Mito.

Mito: That's Dolly-talk for yes. Dolly has to be a former main character, because she's so fleshed out. Only villains can compete with main characters in terms of complexity.

Dolly: Weren't you trying to cheer Rob up?

Mito: Right, um, Rob…

Rob: Stop calling me that! I might as well be Hot Guy Number 4. I don't even know if Rob is short for anything. Oh, Stars, do I have a middle name?

Mito: No one ever has middle names unless it's embarrassing. Trust me, you dodged an arrow. Mine is Nucleus.

Dolly: Princess Mitochondria, I don't think you're helping. At any rate, our boss, Mr. Stanton, is twirling his tail. I assume he's telling us to hurry up and move on to our story. You're in for a treat, viewers. Tonight, we're going to interview the one and only Sir Bruce the Dragon Slayer.

Mito: After a few completely inappropriate comments about Notta Perfume, the official sponsor of tonight's show and the station's favorite perfume, my team was grounded. Fortunately for us, Mr. Stanton has vowed to never allow Sir Bruce within the confines of this crack between worlds. Lift that chiseled chin, Rob. We're going on a field trip!

Dolly: Viewers should note that Rob has not lifted his perfectly sculpted chin. His muscular shoulders fold in on themselves in an attempt to make himself appear smaller.

Mito: It isn't working. The ceiling in this studio is rather short, and his six-foot stature makes it hard to imagine he's anything less than a giant. I'm rather petite myself, and age has shrunk Dolly— I mean it would've shrunk Dolly. If she were old. Which she's not.

Dolly: Aren't you forgetting something?

Mito: Shoot! Um, Rob, you know how you hid my lead reporter hat? I kinda need it back before we leave.

Dolly: Eyes fixed despondently on the floor, Rob lifts a panel in the ceiling and tosses the silver, sparkly lead reporter hat at Mito. She hesitates as she picks it up, as if questioning her moral superiority. Her stint as lead reporter has been packed with chaos, ill-prepared research, and hurt feelings. Her predecessor, Dr. Ravenwood, would never have let the team fall apart.

Mito: Raising my hand in the general direction of where the sky should exist, a new world forms around us.

Dolly: We materialize in the mountains. In the valley below, I see an ocean of gold and orange. It's autumn in Universe 286. The scent of pine trees lies thick in the air. Like spindly fingers they follow us as we hike further up the rocky path. This trail wasn't meant for humanoids, but I can envision mountain goats prancing down the steep slope.

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood could've made sure we landed closer to the interview.

Dolly: Up, up, up we go. The view is breathtaking. The exercise, even more so. Leading the way are the sparkly navigation high heels, and they don't believe in pauses. Without speaking, Rob helps me climb over a particularly tricky section. He does not offer his arm to Mito. She doesn't ask.

Mito: The silver navigation heels stop before a cave.

Dolly: I think it's more of an overhang. It looks like giant claws burrowed into the cliff-side. A knight in gleaming plate armor waves as he notices us.

Bruce: Hello! Are you folks from the CBW Channel?

Dolly: Sir… Bruce?

Bruce: The one and only.

Dolly: Bruce removes the shiny helmet to reveal the face of a devastingly beautiful woman. She tosses her radiant red hair over one slim shoulder. While most people would have helmet head, she looks like she just stepped out of a salon. Behind long eyelashes, her emerald eyes take us in.

Mito: I feel underdressed. Do you feel underdressed?

Dolly: This is a lovely cave. I love the artistry of the char marks.

Bruce: I can't take credit. I'm just squatting until the inhabitants wakes up. Dragons hibernate. Did you know that? I thought I'd arrived in time to slay him, but he took one look at me and sank into a slumber.

Dolly: Sugar, are you planning to wait here until he wakes up?

Bruce: I can't kill him in his sleep. It wouldn't be sporting. Sit anywhere you like. The tail is particularly comfortable as long as you mind the spikes.

Mito: As I step deeper into the cave, I see a massive dragon curled up like a cat. His scales are a deep reddish color that brings to mind rubies, or possibly blood. Rob gives the hibernating creature a wary glance, but he doesn't run screaming from the cave. That's probably a win. I settle onto the tail. It's surprisingly, or perhaps un-surprisingly warm. Dolly sits next to me, and Rob elects to perch on a boulder.

Dolly: Bruce is an unusual name for a young lady. How did a pretty little thing like you get a name like that?

Bruce: I'm not little, and I got my name the way anyone does. My parents named me Brucetta, but I always liked Bruce better.

Dolly: I don't blame you. Bruce has a better ring. Sir Bruce, how did you get into dragon-slaying? Did you go to a university? Is it a family business?

Bruce: Oh, nothing like that. I was locked in a tower. I know, I know. Can it get any more cliché than a princess locked in a tower?

Dolly: Do you mean a tower that moonlighted as a dragon-slaying academy?

Bruce: I wish. I could've found my calling a lot sooner.

Dolly: How'd you come to be in the tower?

Bruce: Nothing special. My parents engaged me to this prince from another kingdom. Prince Roland. Have you heard of him? No? Take my word for it, he was great. Sweet, sensitive, funny. The whole package. We played together as children, so he wasn't a total stranger. Honestly, I was pretty pleased with the situation.

Dolly: What happened?

Bruce: His parents hosted the engagement feast. Everyone was there. Almost everyone.

Dolly: Ooh, I think I know where this is headed.

Bruce: How arrogant do you have to be to exclude the evil sorceress? I mean seriously. If she'd been called the 'mildly bad tempered hedge-witch I would've understood, but a sorceress? The sorceress? There's no excuse for that kind of stupidity.

Mito: Do you mean The Evil Sorceress, or just the scariest sorceress native to your world? There's one that's been plaguing the multiverse for decades. We call her Villainette de Eville, but we don't actually know her name.

Dolly: Rob calls her Villainette de Eville and for some strange reason, you've taken a liking to that nonsense. If you don't stop saying it all the time, our viewers will think it's her actual name.

Bruce: Heh. Villainette de Eville. I like that. I don't know if she was Villainette, but she certainly seemed powerful. I never saw her face.

Dolly: So the evil sorceress locked you away.

Bruce: She arrived in a puff of smoke, ranted about rudeness, and told Prince Roland he could retrieve me when his parents learned some manners. She locked me up in a tower in the middle of nowhere. My only companion was the dragon charged with guarding me. Nasty piece of work, that overgrown lizard. I tried to befriend her, but she wasn't having it.

Dolly: Mito looks at Rob, eager to explain so he isn't left out of the conversation. He looks uninterested, but that doesn't stop her.

Mito: In most universes, dragons are more intelligent than mere animals, but few like people. In my experience, humanoids are usually seen as pets or adversaries. Mr. Stanton is one of the more open-minded ones.

Dolly: Rob does not answer. Mito sags and kicks at a bone fragment.

Bruce: Do you people narrate everything?

Dolly: Yes. What happened in the tower?

Bruce: As I was saying, my dragon was a terrible roommate. I never grumbled when she skived off work to raze a village to the ground, but she never stopped complaining about me.

Dolly: Dragons can talk in your world?

Bruce: No, but you learn to understand the grunts if you stick around long enough. Anyway, I spent a few years in the tower. Exercise and posing on the bed were really the only available activities. Even my meals were dropped in by enchanted ravens. I waited and waited for my fiancé to arrive. I knew it would take him a while to track me down. Prince Roland wasn't the most outdoorsy guy. Year after year passed with no sign of him, but that was fine. I felt a little young to be married anyway, so I didn't mind putting off the wedding. Then one day, my dragon drops an envelope at my feet. It was a wedding announcement.

Dolly: That dirty bastard!

Bruce: No, no, I understand. He set off to rescue me, but got lost in the wasteland around my tower. He hired a peasant girl to guide him through the lava fields and boneyards. One thing led to another, and they fell in love. I met her once. Great woman. Very sassy. If she'd been the one locked in the tower, she would've probably escaped with sheer force of will alone.

Rob: You're a love interest.

Dolly: Rob leans forward, his magnetic cerulean eyes intent like never before.

Bruce: I was. What happens to a love interest that isn't chosen? If they're like me, they go into a blind rage, stab the smug creature relaying the news, then have a good cry. Once I pulled myself together, I chopped off the head and dragged it to the nearest civilization. Like I mentioned earlier, my dragon had been terrorizing the nearby villages. I figured there'd be a hefty reward for her death.

Dolly: How hefty?

Bruce: My weight in gold kind of hefty. I planned to use the money to return home, but then a traveling merchant told me about another scaly asshole down yonder. There were tears and everything. I agreed to take care of it just so the blubbering would stop. I took out that dragon, and then, well, the rest is history I suppose. Once you get good at something, it's all anyone will let you do. When I finally made it home, my parents welcomed me with a feast, then pointed me at the local menace before I finished licking the icing off my cake. Now I'm Sir Bruce, slayer of dragons.

Rob: But you're a love interest! You were just an idea for the main character to focus on. Do you even have a personality outside Damsel in Distress?

Bruce: Hey!

Dolly: Don't mind him. He's just going through some things.

Bruce: Oooooh. Tall. Handsome. Eyes that can only be described with three syllables or more. You're a love interest too. Let me tell you something…

Rob: Rob Skythrust.

Bruce: Let me tell you something, Rob. You think you're the only love interest to be reduced to their attributes? Look at my breasts. They're fantastic. You can't really tell behind the plate armor, but take my word for it. Everywhere I went, that's all the author ever wrote about. I jiggled on my horse. I bounced when I broke into a jog. I breasted boobily down the stairs. It was ridiculous. It was uncomfortable. Physically and psychologically. Large-chested ladies like myself need support if they're going to do much bouncing. I can tell you have an amazing ass under those leather pants, but I bet you've never had your clothes burned off so that only a few tattered scraps of fabric cover the important bits. Have you?

Rob: Is this a competition?

Bruce: Maybe the author never intended you to be more than window dressing, but we love interests have minds of our own. If you don't like being a template for other characters to lust after, change it. I broke out of my role because the author lost interest when the main character found love.

Rob: I'm the leader of the rebellion! Even if my girlfriend found love somewhere else, she can't stop interacting with me. I'll either die tragically or live out my days as her prop.

Mito: You also might betray everything you love, so your inevitable death won't be tragic. Shit. That's not helpful. I'm really bad at trying to be helpful.

Dolly: Mito! Have a little tact.

Bruce: This isn't about you, missy. Look, Rob, you live in the crack between worlds. Your author has no power over you. The CBW Channel seems a bit miserable to me, but it's an opportunity. You have a chance to figure out who you are when your girlfriend isn't around.

Dolly: Rob nods, determined to take up this new task. He squares his broad shoulder and stares out into the mountainside. A glint enters his eyes. I can only describe it as a smolder. Every nearby entity with working reproductive parts sits up a little straighter. I hate to interrupt this formative moment, but I can't risk us being grounded for another episode.

Dolly: Sir Bruce, have you heard about our sponsor, Notta Perfume?

Mito: Notta Perfume. Are you a teenage girl leading other teenagers through rebellion, war, or apocalyptic events? Are you constantly pressured to smell beautiful without appearing to try too hard? It can be difficult to remain the admirable yet relatable leader you were born to be, especially when you haven't had the luxury of bathing in over a month.

Dolly: That's why smart characters turn to Notta Perfume, the only perfume guaranteed to cover up the scent of sweaty horse, wet dog, gun oil, and body odor. For main characters with stepsisters, we recommend the extra strength version, which can take you from stable hand to ballroom ready in a single spritz. For our dashing heroes, check out Notta Body Spray. It's not a perfume. It comes in a black bottle.

Mito: Sir Bruce, would you like to try some?

Bruce: Sure?

Dolly: Mito hands Sir Bruce the sample bottle. She removes her gauntlets and spritzes her dainty wrists. Sir Bruce's nose wrinkles. She opens her mouth. Mito lunges forward and covers Sir Bruce's mouth before she can utter a syllable. With an irritated glare, Sir Bruce shoves Mito off the dragon tail.

Dolly: As Sir Bruce begins to speak, Rob bounds to his feet. Hand outstretched like he's trying to fend off a tsunami, Rob shakes his head slowly. Sir Bruce's eyes widen as she understands.

Bruce: Wow. That's a… perfume.

Dolly: Mito and Rob nod vigorously. Mito smiles so broadly, it looks painful. Rob gives two terrified thumbs up.

Bruce: It's great. Superb, even. The smell is unlike anything I've come across. I'm sure tons of people would love it. Somewhere.

Mito: Thank you so much, Sir Bruce. Really, we can't thank you enough for your time.

Rob: Your advice has been invaluable. Viewers, I hope you learned as much as I did.

Mysterious voice: Don't trust- Don't-Dolly

Mito: Ravenwood? Dr.-

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood? Dolly, did you hear that?

Dolly: It would be hard to miss all that static.

Mito: No! Dr. Ravenwood. I heard his voice.

Dolly: Dr. Ravenwood is dead.

Mito: I know what I heard. Dr. Ravenwood-

Rob: Where

Dolly: What

Mito: Baby dragon

Mito: prehistoric

Dolly: time stream

Mito: -panic. Don't panic. I stabilized our transmission, so we won't keep re-materializing in different portions of the timeline.

Rob: You're the one panicking. Take a deep breath, Mito.

Mito: Sorry if I'm not used to floating aimlessly through the time stream.

Dolly: Viewers, y'all have a once in a lifetime opportunity to witness the inside of a temporal storm. Woowee, I never thought I would see such a pretty sight.

Rob: It's like static, like if the white static that comes from a malfunctioning television was flooded with every color imaginable. Mito, don't make that face. I know what television static looks like.

Dolly: It's all around us. It's like we're in a fishbowl. I see Mito fixing her sparkly lead reporter hat. I can touch her. I can squeeze Rob's biceps. Everything else is just gone. Nothing exists but the static.

Rob: It's beautiful. It's horrifying. I can't decide which. The worst part is, the storm doesn't care if I'm gasping from terror or awe. I am in a temporal storm, and I feel small.

Mito: Viewers, please add the year of 1000 to your Do Not Time Travel list. We don't know if this storm is confined to Universe 286, or if it's affecting every first millennium in the multiverse. I repeat, stay away from year 1000. If you are caught in a temporal storm, you will be caught in the current of the time stream and bashed from year to year until there is no hope of return or your body is torn apart down to the molecules.

Rob: Do you think Sir Bruce is alright? We were standing in the doorway of the cave when the storm hit. I didn't see her or the dragon follow us, and we would've definitely noticed a 6000 pound fire-breathing lizard.

Dolly: I hope so. I don't think we can risk checking. We barely anchored ourselves in the timestream before this world reverted to the days of its formation. Mito, how is the hat repair coming?

Mito: I don't know! I don't know, stop asking me. I'm not Dr. Ravenwood. He would know how to fix the hat so we could return home. He always knew everything, but I don't know anything.

Rob: Please don't cry. I can't insult you when you're crying. I know you aren't Dr. Ravenwood, but it sounds like you spent a lot of time with him. You must've picked up a few tricks.

Mito: There's one thing I can do. A hard reset. I don't know that it'll work.

Dolly: We either try something or stare at the static till we starve to death.

Mito: Right. Okay. Um. We'd better end the broadcast first. If it goes bad, I don't want to people to watch.

Mito: Rob grins. It's a wide, easy grin, the kind that shows off both his dimples. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was real. With one hand, he holds my arm. With the other, he holds Dolly's small, frail hand. Corny as it is, there is comfort in knowing that whatever happens, it will happen to us together.

Rob: Stay tuned for My Six Tentacled Life, the only show where you can see plastic surgeons help humanoids gain the six tentacles they always longed for.

Dolly: Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.