[Episode 12] Interview with Tayla Quick: “I Really Wish You Hadn’t Done That”

Interesting Fact: Tayla Quick, the beloved singer, song-writer and musician from Universe 56, holds the record for most consecutive chart-topping albums. During her twenty year career, she released thirty-seven albums, which encompassed 592 songs.

Tayla Quick has won awards in a multitude of categories, including country, cyber-rock, and synth folk. This has garnered passionate fans from all corners of Universe 56. At their height, the aptly named 'Quicklies' were so numerous as to begin the Bleckforth Revolution, which overthrew the 98th emperor of Yeltzberg. Although her last album was pulled from the shelves before its release, this collection of Christmas carols is rumored to be a currency of the universal black market.

After the harrowing events of the last episode, reporters Mito, Dolly, and Rob are sent to interview the phenomenal Tayla Quick. Although many listeners are excited to hear about Ms. Quick's Christmas album, this episode has been confiscated by the authorities while they investigate the allegations. Anyone with knowledge of  Ms. Quick's whereabouts is encouraged to contact the emergency hotline.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Dolly: Welcome back to the Crack. My name is Dolly.

Mito: And I'm Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and the one who should always introduce the show.

Dolly: Oh, don't be stingy, Mito. I'm still recovering from my health scare.

Rob: You can't milk that forever.

Dolly: I can try, Rob.

Mito: As you can see, we have survived our shipwreck. Hat-wreck? There should be a term for when your top hat breaks down and can't transport you across the multiverse.

Rob: Simon liked hat-wreck. He said it was evocative.

Dolly: Well, if Simon said so…

Mito: 42 days after our hat-wreck, I, the fantastically inventive Mito'ca'hondria, was able to fix the lead reporter hat and transport us back to the Crack Between Worlds.

Dolly: Simmer down, Mitochondria. It was very impressive and we made sure everyone knew. There's no need to toot your own horn if someone else is willing to honk it for you.

Rob: Ugh. Don't say honk.

Mito: In deference to our nerve-wracking experience, Mr. Stanton has decided to give us an easy, assignment. Today we will interview Tayla Quick, music icon and five-time winner of the golden microphone. In the world of news, I believe they call this a puff piece.

Dolly: Mito, dear, we're going to interview the biggest pop star in Universe 56. I don't think this is just a puff piece.

Mito: We're going to interview the third biggest pop star in Universe 56 about her Christmas traditions. This is absolutely a puff piece.

Rob: What would make it a more serious story?

Mito: Murder. I would accept kidnapping, blackmail, or theft of a universal treasure, but I'd prefer murder.

Dolly: Wouldn't we all?

Rob: Mito adjusts the shiny, silver top hat as she prepares to take us to the pop star. It's a new hat. I saw Mr. Stanton hand it to her. There is absolutely no reason to think it will malfunction, but Mito pauses anyway and gives it a suspicious look.

Dolly: I watch Rob watch Mito. He clenches his perfect ass as he attempts to brace himself for de-materialization.

Mito: I watch Dolly watch Rob watch me. This is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason to worry.

Rob: Absolutely none.

Dolly: Mr. Stanton is starting to look a little peeved. He's lashing his fuchsia tail and squinting his beady little eyes. I think we'd better get a move on. At this rate, we'll be here till the cows come home, and I don't think Mr. Stanton plans on waiting that long.

Mito: I take a deep breath and raise my hand. It'll be fine. Absolutely fine. If it's not, I'll just fix the hat again. I'm awesome like that.

Rob: We're alive! Yes!

Dolly: Hold your horses, sugar. Let's make sure we landed in the right place. Time?

Mito: Give me a second. Um… December 18th, 2025. Local time is 106:25. Our interview is scheduled for 106:30, so that's perfect.

Dolly: Location?

Mito: Yeltzburg in Universe 56. Everything tracks. I think we made it.

Rob: Unless the hat is wrong. It's been wrong before.

Mito: We're in a ludicrously expensive room and there's a tall, blonde woman smiling at us. I don't think the hat is malfunctioning.

Tayla Quick: Hello? Are you the reporters?

Mito: Yes! We're from the CBW Channel. Are you Tayla Quick?

Tayla Quick: It's me. Hi.

Mito: I'm Mito. This is Dolly and Rob Skythrust.

Tayla Quick: It's so nice to meet you! I haven't featured on the CBW channel in ages. I'm a big fan. I just watched that episode where you three were stranded on Planet Peter. I'll never look at geese the same way again. I'm glad to see you recovered from that awful health scare, Dolly.

Dolly: Oh. Thank you, sugar.

Tayla Quick: Rob, I think you just made archery cool again. Everyone I know is talking about how badass it was when you shot down those geese. It's inspired me to add archery to my fitness regimen.

Rob: Thanks. I appreciate that. [whispers] She didn't even try to feel up my muscles.

Tayla Quick: And Mito, you shouldn't look at all the comments people are making. Take it from someone who knows. Haters are gonna hate. I know you aren't an eco-terrorist. The geese started that war. It isn't your fault the only chemical weapon available was catastrophic for the environment.

Mito: It suddenly occurs to me that viewers may not have their psychic receptors tuned into this broadcast. I would hate for anyone to miss out on the stunning Tayla Quick, so I'll do my best to describe our surroundings.

Mito: Tayla Quick is a tall, slender woman with beautiful golden hair. Although she debuted in the music industry as a young teenager, her fame has only grown in the two decades since she first took Universe 56 by storm.

Rob: Although?

Dolly: Universe 56 values youth and beauty over most things. As soon as a woman hits thirty, her singing career ends. Ms. Quick is 35 but people think she's lovelier now than she was at fifteen. I can't see the lie. She's pretty as a peach.

Mito: We stand in the sitting room of Ms. Quick's stylish mansion in Yeltzburg. A large Christmas tree stands in the corner, and glittering snowflakes dangle from the ceiling.

Rob: I never thought I'd be a fan of gold trim, but it really pulls the room together.

Mito: The pinks and golds of the room contrast perfectly with Ms. Quick's elegant fur-trimmed dress.

Tayla Quick: Should I do a twirl?

Mito: As I nod, Ms. Quick stands. As she twirls, her baby blue dress flares, revealing bedazzled thigh-high boots. She has clearly gone for a winter wonderland theme.

Dolly: I was going to say snow queen, but I can see winter wonderland. Whatever it is, Ms. Quick looks amazing.

Tayla Quick: Thanks! I polish up real nice.

Rob: I thought we were here to talk about Christmas traditions, not stare awestruck at a popstar wearing a dress trimmed with polar bear fur.

Tayla Quick: Don't worry, Rob. It's farm raised. Why don't you three sit down? Do you like hot chocolate?

Mito: I love this woman.

Dolly: I don't know. There's something strange about this popstar. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Rob: As Mito and Dolly whisper together, Ms. Quick hands me a steaming cup of hot chocolate. It has little marshmallows and whipped cream. The rich, chocalatey taste is almost enough to make me forget how much I miss my homeworld.

Dolly: This hot chocolate is delicious, but there's something strangely familiar in the aftertaste.

Tayla Quick: It's cinnamon.

Rob: Ms. Quick, could you please tell us about… are those cats?

Mito: An orange and black tabby has jumped into Ms. Quick's lap. I say tabby, but it doesn't quite look like a cat. Its teeth are too long and sharp, and I've never seen a tabby with that stripe pattern. A muscular tawny cat with a tufted tail and a thick, russet mane bats at Ms. Quick's bedazzled boots.

Tayla Quick: They aren't quite cats. This is Rufus, my tiger, and Squeak, my lion. I had them genetically modified so they would never outgrow my lap. Do you want to hold them?

Rob: With a mighty yowl, Rufus launches himself at Squeak. As Rufus attempts to rip off Squeak's tail, I decide to give them their space.

Tayla Quick: They're a little feisty, but they're sweethearts. Rufus and Squeak love Christmas as much as I do. As soon as the tree comes up, they start tearing it down. They have a marvelous time ruining everything.

Mito: Speaking of Christmas, this year you plan on hosting a Christmas ball for your most devoted fans. What made you decide to throw this event for your aptly named 'quicklies?'

Tayla Quick: I've been thinking about it for a while. I love all my fans, but the quicklies have been so supportive. I never would've made a comeback without their devotion and adoration. I've always loved the idea of hosting my own Christmas ball, and what better way to give back to the quicklies?

Rob: You're spending several million dollars on a party because you appreciate your fans?

Tayla Quick: The best people in life are free, but that doesn't mean they should be taken for granted. I want to give the quicklies a chance to dance in their best dresses and twirl through the ice sculpture garden. It's what I would've wanted before I became a household name. It's also a kind of last hurrah before I switch genres again. You know, like 'long live all the magic we made.'

Rob: Genres? Like you're going to start writing murder mystery songs instead of songs about love?

Tayla Quick: I've written a few songs about murder, but I'm more interested in changing the style of the music myself. If you've listened to many of my albums, you know my music is constantly evolving. I've mastered this genre, and now I'd like to explore a new sound.

Mito: Aren't you worried about losing fans?

Tayla Quick: Not really. Trends come and go, but expressive, heartfelt lyrics never go out of style.

Rob: You mean love songs never go out of style.

Tayla Quick: I sing about emotion. Love just happens to be one of the most powerful emotions. Take a moment and think about your first crush. Think about the way your heart fluttered when they smiled. Think about the butterflies in your stomach when they first held your hand. When you're fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them. It's a powerful, powerful feeling. People love my music because I can capture that emotion. I bottle it up, so everyone can relive those star-shattering feelings whenever they like.

Mito: That's great. Super interesting. Rumor has it, your newest album would make its debut at the Christmas Ball.

Tayla Quick: That's the plan.

Mito: What made you decide to release a Christmas album?

Tayla Quick: I love Christmas. And I'm running out of new genres to explore. Don't give me those looks. I've been in music industry for twenty years. There are only so many genres to dominate. It was either a Christmas album or bagpipes.

Rob: Bagpipes are cool, unless you have a roommate that wants to play at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Dolly: You oughta check out bluegrass. Nothing stirs the soul quite like bluegrass. I think Universe 56 has an Appalachia. After the holidays, you should spend a few months in the holler picking up the style.

Tayla Quick: I don't know. I've already dabbled in folk music.

Dolly: That's like saying you don't want to learn knitting because you already learned to crochet. All yarn-craft might have a few things in common, but they're as different as different can be.

Tayla Quick: Sure.

Mito: Ms. Quick, what's your favorite part of Christmas? Church?

Talya Quick: Definitely not. Christmas isn't really a religious holiday in Yeltzburg. I'm really excited about the Christmas Ball, but I'm also thrilled to expand my snow globe collection. Do you want to see it?

Rob: As we follow Tayla Quick through her mansion, I wonder what a snow globe is. Globe is just a fancy word for ball, but I don't know why anyone would collect the projectiles used by children in mock battle. Maybe Ms. Quick is referring to the flower. My mom adored the snowball bush in her garden. It was the pride of the village, at least until the village burned down and she was brutally slaughtered in her beloved garden.

Mito: It's a souvenir. People buy them when they visit new places.

Rob: That explains nothing. Do you actually know, or are you just pretending because you like to feel smart? What do you think, Dolly? Dolly?

Mito: I turn to see Dolly watching Tayla Quick with narrowed eyes. Perhaps she hasn't quite recovered from her health scare. When she notices my scrutiny, her face crinkles into a soft smile.

Dolly: I'm just thinking, sweet pea. Nothing to worry your pretty head about.

Tayla Quick: A snow globe is a hollow glass ball. Inside, there's usually a town or a house. When you tip it over, you can make it snow. I adore snow globes.

Tayla Quick: My collection is right through this door. Are you ready for it?

Rob: Viewers, please make sure your psychic receptors are tuned into this broadcast. I'm sure you don't want to miss this fascinating look into Tayla Quick's private hobby.

Mito: Ms. Quick gives us a quick grin before throwing open the pale pink door. Wow. I, um, might need a moment to collect my wits.

Dolly: There must be hundreds of snow globes inside this room. They're arranged on little shelves and displayed on a rustic ladder. Some are bigger than my head, and others are smaller than a crabapple.

Mito: I lean closer to examine the nearest snow globe. The craftmanship is beautiful. I can see every minuscule detail in this tiny town. From the gleaming church bell to the cookies on display in the bakery, this town is the very picture of holiday cheer.

Rob: I see towns, bakeries, and castles. Some of them contain only a single, beautiful house, while others encompass an entire city. My eyes catch on a forest. Snow dusts the deep green boughs. I can practically smell the scents of pine and freshly fallen snow. Back on my homeworld, I used to love hunting in the deep winter. The snow made the journey more treacherous, but everything felt bright and new.

Dolly: Never mind the pines. Look at that little farmhouse giggling to itself in the clearing. Anyone would be proud to live in such a well-loved home. The detail is incredible. Why, I swear I could almost see the smoke wafting from the chimney.

Rob: Oh. Yeah, I see the farmhouse. I think the artist might've messed up. I don't see a road. Anyone who lived there would be trapped in the dense pine forest.

Tayla Quick: It's a Christmas Tree farm. Firs are more popular, but I think pine trees have their own charm. Don't you agree?

Dolly: I've never seen a snow globe so detailed. It boggles the mind. Rob, you aren't quite seeing the full effect. Why don't you pick up that snow globe and turn it over?

Tayla Quick: Wait! Don't- oh, I wish you hadn't done that.

Mito: Ms. Quick spoke too late. Rob has already picked up the heavy glass ball. As he hastily set it back on the velvet cushion, the sphere rolled over. In an instant, snow swirled over the Christmas tree farm. The effect is quite lovely. I understand why people collect… what's that smell?

Rob: Yeah. What is that? It smells like baking bread and cut pine. Are snow globes supposed to smell?

Dolly: Not in my experience, but Ms. Quick is the expert.

Mito: Does anyone else hear bells?

Tayla Quick: I really wish you hadn't done that. This is why we can't have nice things.

Mito: As I look for the bells, the world turns hazy and translucent.

[bells louder. Maybe a snowstorm or other winter sounds?]

Rob: Is the sparkly top hat malfunctioning? It feels like we're de-materializing.

Mito: Whatever is happening, it isn't coming from the hat. We're- oh.

Dolly: The world resolves slower than I've come to expect from shiny, silver lead reporter hats. The farmhouse takes shape around us. Flames dance on the hearth, throwing soft golden light onto the rustic interior. A popcorn garland and coffee filter snowflakes hang from the exposed beams of the ceiling. Stew bubbles on the stove, encasing us in the rich scents of venison and garlic. My oh my, Ms. Quick. You have been keeping secrets.

Mito: Spontaneous teleportation is a first, but I am nothing if not a dedicated reporter. As I look around me, I spot a little girl watching from the stairs. She's a tiny little thing. Her face is squeezed between the rungs on the railing so she can examine us without leaving perceived safety. Her blue eyes are wide and scared. Her thick blonde hair is so huge, it's a wonder she doesn't topple over. Heavy footsteps hurry toward us. A man strides into the room and positions himself in front of the stairs. He's tall, muscular, and square-jawed. Honestly, he looks like a blonde Rob in a lumberjack costume.

Richard: Anabelle, go upstairs.

Mito: Anabelle gives Ms. Quick a terrified look. Ms. Quick looks disappointed, not with the girl, but with the entire situation. She doesn't speak, but her downturned lips gradually turn into a wolfish smile.

Richard: I'll deal with this. Go.

Dolly: Anabelle turns tail like a spooked deer. We find ourselves in strange parts. Scared children seldom herald happy homes.

Richard: What do you want? Haven't you terrorized my family enough?

Tayla Quick: What family? Last I checked, it was just you and your daughter. If you're going to be rude, I can always help you downsize.

Rob: Hey, now. There's no need for threats. Let's just sit down. We didn't mean to invade your home. We'll leave as soon as we figure out how.

Richard: If she'll let you. You look like her type.

Mito: Ms. Quick, it seems like something happened when Rob picked up that snow globe. I'm sure our viewers would love an explanation.

Tayla Quick: Why not? The cat's out of the bag.

Tayla Quick: I've always loved Christmas. The decorations. The cute outfits. The snow. I adore the sense of cheer and anticipation that hangs in the air. There's no season quite like Christmas time.

Mito: I guess the Christmas season is pretty nice. I work for a time-traveling news channel, so I don't really see much of Christmas unless someone goes on a murder spree. Dolly's gingerbread cake is pretty nice?

Dolly: Family recipe. The secret ingredient is love.

Rob: I think the secret ingredient is orange juice, but Dolly won't let anyone in the kitchen long enough for me to be certain.

Tayla Quick: You're ruining my moment.

Rob: Sorry.

Mito: He's really bad about ruining dramatic speeches.

Tayla Quick: I was talking to all of you.

Mito: Fine, fine. I know how to keep my mouth shut.

Tayla Quick: As I was saying, I've always loved Christmas. My favorite part has always been the cozy rom-coms. I'm sure you've all seen them. A career woman travels to a small town for one reason or another. A small town hottie shows her the true meaning of Christmas as they fall in love. It's adorable and heartwarming and perfect.

Mito: I'm more partial to documentaries, but I'm sure these, um, rom-coms are fantastic.

Tayla Quick: I always wanted to experience it, but it never happened. [petulant] I traveled far and wide, but no one was ever willing to show me the magic of Christmas in a small town. [calmer] So I made my own little wonderlands with my own little small-town hottie.

Rob: Witch or enchantress?

Mito: Rob! We talked about this. It's rude to ask magic-users about their magic. I am so sorry Ms. Quick. I keep sending him to HR sensitivity trainings, but he never learns.

Rob: Me and Brittany are friends now. I don't mind getting to catch up with her during work hours.

Dolly: I like Brittany. Shame about all her allergies. I brought her a pie once, and she had to flee the HR department.

Richard: She's kidnapping people! Do none of you care?

Tayla Quick: I did not kidnap you. I gave you a beautiful home and a charming life. You were miserable before I came along.

Richard: She calls me Richard, but I don't know if that's my real name. I woke up a lonely widower with a Christmas Tree farm and a young daughter. Tayla blew in with the blizzard. I offered her shelter from the storm. By morning, we were snowed in. We became friends, and then lovers. Within days, Annabelle had a new mommy. Then one day, I woke up. I was a lonely widower with a Christmas tree farm and a young daughter.

Richard: Do you know how many times I lived through this before I started remembering? I don't. I could've been trapped in here for centuries.

Dolly: Rookie mistake. There's only so much space in a human mind. You bury bodies in the same yard for long enough, you're going to start unearthing corpses every time you dig. If you were smart, you'd shuffle all those people around the snow globes every month. Give them new surrounding to forget.

Rob: All?

Dolly: There's a man in every snow globe. More in the towns and the cities. Each snow globe is a fantasy our dear Tayla could visit.

Tayla Quick: You would know, wouldn't you? I always thought there was a funny gleam in your eye.

Dolly: Now, now, sugar. I'm good people. Just ask Mito.

Mito: Dolly is too nice to do anything like this. How many people have you kidnapped?

Tayla Quick: I've lost count. I need at least a hundred people to populate a village, and twice that to make city streets feel lived in. I'm not cruel. They sleep most of the time when I'm gone. If I confine someone to a snow globe with a single house, I always give them someone to talk to. Usually a sister or a grandparent, but I don't mind playing Mommy with a cute kid for a few days.

Richard: She's sick. She has a sick, twisted mind. Please, help me break free.

Tayla Quick: Don't be like that, darling. You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Richard: I'm not yours. Annabelle isn't yours!

Mito: This is a first. I'm not really sure where we go from here. I've never had someone confess to human trafficking on our show before. Usually, we're following the hero as they break free.

Rob: Do we call the police? This is more disturbing than usual.

Mito: The CBW channel prides itself on fair, neutral news. We can't call the cops, but I'm sure one of our viewers will. Our show is fairly popular in Universe 56, and this is the kind of scandal that results in a public outcry. I'm sure even the quicklies won't justify it.

Tayla Quick: [laughs] The quicklies are pretty loyal. It might take them an entire minute to think of an excuse. What makes you think you'll be around to see the outcry?

Rob: Mito and I exchange troubled glances. Dolly seems unperturbed, so I don't panic just yet. She's usually a good gauge.

Tayla Quick: I always knew I could be caught one day. I took precautions.

Rob: Are you going to try to kill us?

Tayla Quick: [laughing] No, silly. I told you, I'm a huge fan. I'm going to take you with me. You'll have to be patient. I don't have a snow globe ready for you. Richard, you don't mind if they live with you for a few days, do you?

Richard: She's lost it. She's deranged! Anabelle! Anabelle!

Mito: As Richard runs upstairs to find Anabelle, I give Ms. Quick my most unimpressed look. Mito'ca'hondria, Powerhoose of Cellaria, is no one's snow bunny.

Tayla Quick: I'm pretty heterosexual. I was actually planning on sleeping with Rob and making you the sassy best friend.

Mito: You're sure?

Tayla Quick: Yeah. Sorry. You definitely don't have the right equipment.

Rob: Really sure? I'll trade positions with Mito. I don't mind.

Dolly: No one is going to be brainwashed by this hussy. Mito, I saw you fiddling with that hat. I assume we're ready to go?

Mito: Dolly! I was going to make a dramatic reveal. It would've been so awesome, and you ruined it.

Tayla Quick: The sparkly top hat won't work in here.

Dolly: You wanna bet?

Rob: Magic gathers at Ms. Quick's fingertips. I'm assuming it's magic. It's a bright light with an air of evil. Richard runs back down the stairs with Anabelle in his arms. I reach out for his hand.

Mito: Dolly smiles at Tayla Quick. I activate the hat. In an instant, the world explodes. Snow and pine needles rain down on us as the world breaks apart. As the house crashes onto our heads, we de-materialize.

Dolly: There we go. Safe and sound. Richard, Anabelle, welcome to the Crack Between Worlds.

Richard: What about Tayla? Is she going to be arrested?

Mito: Maybe. That's a Universe 56 problem.

Richard: How can you be so heartless?

Mito: We interview a lot of villains and we cover a lot of atrocities. I think we're all pretty desensitized by now.

Dolly: Before our show ends, our sponsor is Llama Cigarettes. I'm sure Tayla Quick would tell you to buy them if we'd asked her to talk about the sponsor before she threw that hissy fit. Thank y'all for the well wishes. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.