[Episode 15] Harriet Pottery Tells All: ‘You Know the One’ Is Going Down!

Interesting fact: Disaster tourism is a pressing issue in Universe 256. According to the Inter-Dimensional Travel Bureau, Harriet Pottery's battle with The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named has drawn over 10,000 curious time-hoppers. This makes it one of the most watched re-watched epic battles in history.

The ecological side effects were/will be devastating. Tourists camped out in the Enchanted Nature Preserve to get a good vantage point, which devastated the habitat of endangered wood fairies. Worse, the destruction of ground cover left the unicorns without their primary food source. With no other options, they turned to humanoid flesh. This has been exceedingly unfortunate for the nearby magical academy, as the unicorns refuse to return to a vegetarian diet.

Mito, Dolly, and Rob are sent to investigate Harriet Pottery's epic battle. As they attempt to find the reclusive chosen one, they must contend with the legions of other reporters and tourists.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Rob: Welcome to the Crack. My name is Rob Skythrust, and you're watching the CBW Channel.

Mito: That sounded weird. Let's agree to never let Rob open our show again. I'm Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter, as you can see by my shiny, silver top hat. If you can't see my official sparkling headwear, make sure your psychic receptors are tuned to our broadcast. For our psychically challenged viewers we'll be sure to describe the visuals.

Dolly: I'm Dolly. I would love to jump right into our show, but first we have a sad announcement to share.

Rob: The CBW Channel would like to announce Dr. Ravenwood's death. Although our last episode lead certain viewers to begin speculating in the comment section, those are just conspiracy theories. Dr. Ravenwood is definitely, absolutely, 100% dead.

Mito: That being said, dead men don't usually appear in a crystal clocks and temporal storms.

Dolly: I saw Dr. Ravenwood die with my own eyes. Nobody could've survived that nanite swarm. I don't know what he was doing in a temporal storm, but Dr. Ravenwood was doing all kinds of crazy experiments before he died.

Mito: I suppose some of his experiments were pretty weird.

Rob: What kind of weird? Dr. Frankenstein weird?

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood wasn't interested in necromancy. He was much more interested in using science to study magic. I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but he was making real headway. Right before he, well, right before the nanite swarm happened, he figured out magical forensics.

Rob: I'm almost afraid to ask.

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood theorized that all magic-users left something of themselves in every spell, sort of like a fingerprint smudge. By analyzing the magical fingerprint left behind in the Crack Between Worlds, he hoped it would be possible to track down the sorceress who ripped open the multiverse.

Rob: Villainette de Eville.

Dolly: Y'all better simmer down. This isn't the time to throw out wild conspiracy theories. We have a story to report.

Mito: Dolly is right, so I adjust my shiny silver top hat.

Mito: We materialize in an ancient stone castle. I have no real reason to think it's ancient. It's thriving with life and in good repair. There are no signs of the battles it's weathered. No hint of the great powers that have bloomed and withered within its mighty walls. It merely feels like the sort of building that has earned the right to be ancient.

Dolly: You wrote the briefing, dear. Don't you know the castle's age?

Mito: I know all the important details. We're in Universe 286 in the Scottish Highlands.

Dolly: On Planet Earth?

Mito: No. Don't ask me how a universe can have Scottish Highlands when it doesn't have a Planet Earth. Try not to think about it too hard. You'll just give yourself a migraine. We've arrived in the year 3856, right before the Morrigan Magical Academy for Girls was razed to the ground by Villainette de Eville.

Circe: What did you say?

Mito: Hi, I'm Mito from the CBW Channel. Do you have a moment to answer a few questions?

Circe: I'm Circe. I'll answer your questions, but what were you saying about this school being razed to the ground?

Mito: Um, nothing.

Circe: You said Villainette de Eville was going to destroy my school.

Dolly: No, she didn't. Your ears must be playing tricks on you, sugar.

Circe: Who is Villainette de Eville? Are you here to stop her? We already have a chosen one, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind an understudy.

Mito: Villainette is just a nickname. I think your homeworld calls her 'The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named.

Dolly: Or 'You Know The One'. She has quite a list of monikers.

Circe: You Know The One is coming here?! I heard the rumor, but I didn't want to believe it. I need to go call my mom.

Mito: Uh, we could, um, Rob! Do the smolder!

Rob: Hey. How are you doing, beautiful? As Circe blushes and giggles, I suddenly realize I've made a horrible mistake.

Rob: How old are you, Circe?

Circe: I'm nineteen.

Rob: Oh, thank the stars. I just noticed the school uniform. That could have been terrible.

Dolly: Circe appears too entranced by Rob's chiseled jawline to hear a word coming out of his mouth. As she twirls a lock of dark hair around her finger, her blush deepens.

Mito: Rob, I will graciously allow you to do the interview.

Rob: Circe, how long have you attended Morrigan Magical Academy for Girls?

Circe: On my eleventh birthday, I was kidnapped by an owl and deposited in this castle. I know it's only been eight years, but it feels like I've lived my whole life within these walls.

Rob: I bet. When do you graduate?

Circe: No one ever graduates until they beat the headmistress in a duel. Cross your fingers for me. I have a feeling this year will be the one!

Mito: Rob holds up his crossed fingers and gives Circe a lopsided smirk. Like the smolder, it shouldn't be nearly as attractive as it is.

Rob: Are you concerned about the looming threat of Villainette de Eville- I mean, The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named?

Circe: Not a bit. I mean, when I heard that Harriet Pottery was the chosen one, I did freak out a little. She isn't exactly the most studious… or charismatic… or cunning. She's pretty good at headball. I don't know what help that will be, but she's the best striker Morrigan's Magical Academy for girls has seen in ages.

Mito: How do you think Harriet Pottery's physical prowess will serve her against You Know The One?

Rob: I'm doing the interview, Mito. I turn back to Circe with my most charming smile and wait for her answer.

Circe: Do reporters have to narrate everything they do?

Rob: Absolutely everything, yeah.

Circe: Harriet just seems really… normal. Why did the prophecy choose her to defeat You Know The One? She's nice enough, but I doubt the fate of the world will come down to a penalty shot, you know. I'm over-thinking this. Harriet wouldn't be the chosen one if she wasn't up for the job.

Mito: Common misconception. Actually- mmmph

Dolly: Don't mind Mito. Thank you for the interview, sugar.

Rob: Thanks, Circe!

Circe: Do you want to maybe grab a drink after you're done reporting? Fizzing butterscotch brandy is half off at the Three Toadstools during happy hour.

Rob: Uh, maybe. As I wave goodbye to Circe, Dolly finally removes her hand from Mito's mouth.

Mito: That was completely unprofessional. I am the network's resident expert on chosen ones. Our viewers will want to know the relevant facts.

Dolly: These are the pre-battle interviews for an epic battle with a known ending. Is it fair to terrify them early?

Rob: About that, how do we know Villainette de Eville will win? The Morrigan Magical Academy for Girls has a chosen one on their side.

Mito: We know because the actual battle has already been reported at least a dozen times. Look around the castle. Don't you see how many people aren't wearing school uniforms? The CBW Channel has at least three sets of reporters here. This particular battle garnered a lot of interest, so Mr. Stanton keeps sending teams to cover the story. Look at that crowd of people setting up popcorn machines by the edge of the Enchanted Nature Preserve. Those are time travelers who want to see the carnage firsthand. The Travel Commission of Universe 286 keeps trying to ban disaster tourism, but they aren't having much luck.

Rob: Riiiiight. That's despicable. What about the chosen one?

Mito: Who chooses the chosen one?

Rob: Prophecy?

Dolly: The author.

Mito: Exactly. Maybe none of us know what kind of entity the author is, but we know they have only one motivation.

Dolly: The Rule of Cool.

Mito: Some people think the author is able to manipulate reality itself. Time travelers, universe hoppers, and CBW reporters are in a unique position to see certain patterns emerge. When life seems predictable, sometimes reality will sort of… twist. Spunky teenagers will survive the unsurvivable. Illiterate farm boys will succeed against insurmountable odds. A heroic warrior will gain everything he ever wanted, then lose it all to a coup with improbable logistics.

Rob: Is this what existential dread feels like?

Dolly: Don't hurt your brain, sugar. It'll all come out in the wash.

Mito: Sometimes. Certain universes seem to reward chosen ones. Others prefer the villains, like Universe 13- the one where we met Dr. Frankenstein. Last I checked, Universe 286 was pretty ambivalent. The win always goes to the cooler party. If Harriet Pottery wanted to succeed, she'd need to do something much cooler than Villainette de Eville.

Dolly: There aren't many people who can manipulate magic with the ease and grace of the Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named. She's had a lot of fascinating battles. This might be a life-defining moment for Harriet Pottery, but it's just a footnote in the biography of a sorceress like You Know The One.

Mito: I see a teacher! I don't think anyone has interviewed him before. Quick! Catch him before he gets away!

Rob: We race after the stocky man. Perhaps this is the teacher students must duel to graduate?

Dolly: Hello! I'm Dolly. The studmuffin is Rob, and the woman wearing the sparkly tophat is Mito. We're reporters from the CBW Channel.

Mito: A broad smile shatters his serene face.

Professor Isosceles: It's about time! I think you've interviewed all my colleagues by now. I'm Professor Isosceles. I teach geometrical magic. What do you want to know? I'm sure all your viewers are dying to know all about Harriet Pottery's magical education. It's not every day a student defeats a dark sorceress, after all.

Dolly: Certainly not every day.

Mito: What is it that makes you so confident in Harriet Pottery's success? Her intelligence? Her magical prowess?

Professor Isosceles: She's the chosen one! Of course she'll win.

Dolly: Would you consider young Harriet a magical prodigy?

Professor Isosceles: Ms. Pottery isn't particularly interested in academics. Her attendance record is, well I won't bore you with the details. There are many types of intelligence. Not everyone enjoys school.

Mito: What kind of strategy- ow! Dolly!

Dolly: Don't be a backseat interviewer, dear.

Mito: You didn't need to pinch me.

Dolly: What kind of strategy do you think we'll see from Harriet today?

Professor Isoceles: If it's anything like what we see on the headball field, I'm sure it'll be memorable. Ms. Pottery employs a push-back charm fairly often, so I'm certain we'll see a lot of that.

Dolly: Isn't that a second-year spell?

Professor Isosceles: There's nothing wrong with going back to the basics.

Dolly: Of course not, sugar. Thank you for your time.

Professor Isosceles: Is that it? You didn't want to ask any more questions? That's fine. I didn't really have time to dawdle. I have very important protection spells to cast around the castle.

Mito: As we walk away from the disappointed professor, I consider my list. Mr. Stanton wanted at least three students and three teachers interviewed. We're a little behind schedule. With the epic battle fast approaching, I don't know if we'll have time to meet our quota.

Rob: How are we going to find two more professors? From what Professor Isosceles said, it sounds like the other reporters got there first.

Mito: We're screwed.

Dolly: Don't look so glum, dear. I ain't fixing to have my pay docked. I tell you what, nobody's managed to interview Harriet Pottery. If we can find her, our ratings will be so high, Mr. Stanton won't care about the interview quota.

Mito: It's a longshot, but it might be the best plan we have. I've studied hundreds of hours of news coverage. I might not know where she is, but I definitely know where she isn't.

Rob: Mito pins the castle map to the stone floor and begins scratching out sections where previous reporters failed to find Harriet Pottery.

Rob: Does this seem a little cruel? I'm sure Harriet Pottery is trying to psyche herself up for the battle. The last thing she needs is to be stalked by reporters.

Dolly: We aren't bluetick hounds and she isn't a treed raccoon. If Harriet Pottery wants us gone, she can say 'no comment' like every other celebrity.

Dolly: My eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be, but I might have an idea. Mito shifts to the side so I can examine the outbuildings. There. I tap the sports equipment shed.

Mito: That's on the other side of the castle! If you're wrong, we won't have time to check anywhere else.

Dolly: That's a big 'if' my dear. You may be a more seasoned reporter, but I've been hunting since I was knee high to a grasshopper.

Rob: No one has any better ideas, so we hurry onto the spacious grounds. It's very green, and the lawn is perfectly manicured. How does anyone keep so much land so perfect? Magic, I guess. Speculation about lawn-care spells reminds me of Dolly's most recent admission. She must not be as human as she looks. Even the smallest baby is many times bigger than a grasshopper.

Dolly: It's a figure of speech, dear.

Mito: We arrive at the sports equipment shed. It's smaller than I expected. It's a little longer than Rob is tall, but the short, stubby shed seems more like a cave than an official school building. I throw open the door.

Harriet: Aah!

Dolly: Oh, hush your mouth. The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named isn't about to kill you in a sports shed. Have some dignity.

Rob: We're much worse than Villainette de Eville. We're reporters.

Harriet: Villainette?

Rob: It's a much better name than You Know That One. It'll catch on.

Dolly: There's no need for that. I'm sure the all-powerful sorceress has enough nicknames already.

Harriet: What do you want from me? I'm about to fight the biggest battle of my life, and you vultures are destroying my inner peace.

Rob: Looking around, I realize Harriet has been cleaning balls. Perhaps it calms her mind before the battle. I used to sharpen my knives, but maybe cleaning balls also has a tactical purpose.

Harriet: Headballs. Don't tell people I'm cleaning balls. I'm not that kind of chosen one.

Dolly: What kind of chosen one are you? The brave kind? The noble kind? The kind blessed with incomprehensible levels of magical power?

Harriet: I don't know! I'm the confused kind. I never asked for this, and now I have to face the most powerful sorceress the world has ever seen.

Dolly: Oh, poor dear. You're shaking like a screen door in a hurricane.

Mito: Take a deep breath, Harriet. You still have time to create a battle plan. Villainette de Eville always attacks under the cover of darkness. I think she wants to make sure her spells look impressive. If it doesn't look like fireworks are going off, what's the point?

Rob: Exactly. It's mid-afternoon. You have plenty of time to prepare.

Dolly: Viewers without psychic receptors should know that the sun has just disappeared. It is darker than a Mississippi mud pie. I guess that epic battle isn't so far off, after all.

Mito: I place my hands on Harriet's shoulders and tell her the words every chosen one desperately wants to hear.

Mito: Harriet, everyone dies, even incredibly smart men like Dr. Ravenwood. Whatever happens tonight, the world will keep turning.

Harriet: If I fail, I fail everyone.

Mito: Those idiots failed the mselves when they decided to let a student do their fighting. Go out there, do your best, and screw all the naysayers. They deserve what's coming to them.

Harriet: I'm a failure! We're all going to die!

Mito: Never mind. I'm changing approaches.

Mito: You don't need a battle plan. You're the chosen one! You were made to win. This is the one battle you can't lose. Now, go out there and show that witch how a real chosen one fights!

Harriet: I can't lose! Raaaar!

Dolly: Harriet Pottery pumps her fist in the air and charges out of the sports equipment shed. She dashes up to the castle, screaming the entire way.

Rob: Um, Mito? Didn't you just tell me that chosen ones are never guaranteed victory?

Mito: Yeah. She dies pretty much as soon as the epic battle begins.

Dolly: Harriet was hit by a spell before she could finish her dramatic opener. It instantaneously obliterated her. The shock of it all knocked some sense into her followers, and they put up a decent fight against The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Named. It was very dramatic. Everyone loves a martyr.

Rob: Mito, why would you encourage her? That's just cruel.

Mito: The outcome of the epic battle is set in stone. I figured Harriet would either spend her final moments hyperventilating in a sports equipment shed or preparing with her friends. This is better.

Rob: This is horrifying.

Dolly: The hero doesn't always win, Rob. If they did, no one would watch the CBW Channel. Look over there. If my eyes aren't failing me, I think I spy the Epic Battle Announcers. The fight must be about to start.

Mito: Shit. They're coming over here. Look at stupid Kragen Hunt with his leather trench coat and dark sunglasses. He thinks he's so tough. Oh, great. He brought Fern. That perky little chosen one is probably going to start crying after the first casualty. Kragen tries to keep her away from the ugliest fights. Our boss must've insisted.

Fern: Hi! It's Mito, right? Mito'ca'hondria, powerhoose of Cellaria? Sorry, I don't quite recognize you two. I'm still getting to know everyone. Where's Dr. Ravenwood? We need to talk to the lead reporter.

Mito: He's um, not around.

Kragen: Fern, use your eyes. Who's wearing the sparkly hat?

Fern: Oh. Oh. You're the lead reporter. Then Dr. Ravenwood…? No, I won't ask. I'm sure he's off experimenting somewhere.

Kragen: Company policy. Don't ask questions.

Dolly: Did you need something, sugar?

Kragen: We're about to begin announcing the fight. Get off our broadcast.

Fern: It's nothing personal. Too many voices confuse the psychic transmitters. We're telling everyone the same thing.

Rob: Right. We'll do that.

Fern: I really am sorry, Mito. About the lead reporter thing? I'm still used to linear time. I forgot how muddled the timeline can get when time travel is involved. Is he, um… should I hug Dr. Ravenwood when I return to the Crack?

Rob: Mito stares at the ground, grief pulling at her stubborn mouth. Just when I think she's forgotten how to speak, she nods.

Mito: Yeah. Hug him from both of us, will you?

Dolly: We watch the Epic Battle Announcers hurry off. They'll need a good vantage point if they want to see over the crowd of watching time tourists. They choose a massive oak not far from where we stand. Fern climbs with all the nimbleness of a squirrel, then laughs as Kragen Hunt slowly clambers up the tree. Leather trench coats and dark sunglasses do not make good climbing gear.

Dolly: Mito watches the bickering duo, perhaps remembering all the tree-climbing lessons she gave Dr. Ravenwood. He wasn't much fond of nature, and he never discovered a knack for tree-climbing. By the end, he could reliably scramble up an easy tree without much issue. Maybe if the nanite swarm attacked in a forest- no. It does no good to consider maybes. Rob opens his mouth, then shuts it again. Curiosity burns behind his cerulean eyes. He raises a perfectly bristled eyebrow as he notices my scrutiny, clearly deciding his question couldn't be nearly so horrible as my narration.

Rob: Do you think she found out? I mean, do you think Villainette de Eville  knew Dr. Ravenwood was tracking her magical signature?

Mito: What are you saying?

Rob: Maybe it wasn't an accident. Maybe Dr. Ravenwood really did have a breakthrough, and Villainette de Eville wanted to stop the experiments.

Dolly: Now you sound like one of the conspiracy theorists in our comment section. Life as a CBW reporter isn't safe. Only 1 in 5 survive their first year on the job.

Rob: But Dr. Ravenwood wasn't a rookie. He trained Mito, and she's been a reporter for ages. Maybe if it was a monster or something that ate him, I would understand, but nanites? He studied nanites. He should've known enough to keep himself safe.

Mito: How dare you! Dr. Ravenwood knew everything there is to know about nanites. He didn't die because of his own carelessness. It was bad luck, and no amount of knowledge could've saved him. The nanite swarm nearly took Dolly too. She's lucky to be alive.

Dolly: I don't know how I escaped.

Fern: Hellooooo?! We're doing a newscast here! Cut the babble!

Rob: Sorry!

Dolly: Ta-ta for now my lovelies!