[Episode 19] Hope: Dangerous Mind-Altering Substance or Life-Changing Prescription?

Interesting Fact: Every business has  attempted to sell the necessities of life, but the Pendulum Corporation is the only one in humanoid history to bottle an emotion.

Doctors prescribed Pendulum Brand Hope to millions of humanoids over the course of the corporation's existence. Rumors of tax fraud brought imperial attention to the multi-trillion dollar company. After a lucrative twenty-year career, the CEO fled in the night to the Bermuda Octagon. His body was never recovered.

Mito, Dolly, and Rob visit the River Longing to record an exciting segment on Pendulum Brand Hope. After meeting a pair of curmudgeonly wish auditors, the reporters are forced to reevaluate their goals.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Dolly: Welcome back to the Crack. My name is Dolly, and I'll be your guide through the world of imagination. Heavens to Betsy, that sounded corny. I should've known something was up when Mito didn't fight me over the intro.

Mito: As lead reporter, I should always introduce our show, conduct the interviews, and narrate every breathtaking moment. Fortunately for you and Rob, I am gracious enough to share the spotlight.

Rob: Your generosity is an inspiration to us all.

Dolly: Make sure you have your psychic receptors tuned into our broadcast so you can see the unique world around us.

Mito: We stand on a quaint lavender bridge.

Dolly: Lavender? I'm pretty sure this shade is called lilac. Lavender is the name of the flowers growing around it.

Mito: Lilac? You're clearly missing the pink undertones.

Dolly: Don't get snippy with me. I was gardening long before your mama knew which way to hold a rake. This bridge is lilac.

Mito: On Cellaria, we don't let dirt tarnish our beautiful flowers. I grew up seeing pure, unadulterated colors. This bridge is lavender.

Rob: The footbridge stretches across a river of literal hopes and dreams. Who cares what color it is? I lean over the purple railing to examine the River Longing. Unlike the bridge, there is no way to be certain what color it is. The water seems to be every color, or maybe none of them at all.

Mito: An ethereal mist twists over the meandering water. It glows with a soft light that seems to shift shades as quickly as the river. Carefully, with all the grace imbued to me by Cellaria, I shimmy over the railing to get a better look.

Rob: Stars and sun, doesn't she ever learn?

Dolly: Grab the back of her jumpsuit, sugar. It'll save you the trouble of fishing her out of the river when she slips.

Rob: I grab the collar of Mito's jumpsuit. The fabric seems even grayer next to the rainbow river.

Mito: Are you judging my outfit? You wouldn't know style if it smacked you on the ass. You still wear the same skintight leather pants you arrived in. Besides, everyone knows a blank canvas makes color pop. My amethyst eyes look fantastic next to gray.

Dolly: I thought you didn't care about your appearance?

Mito: I never primp in front of the mirror like other girls. I was just correcting Rob's ignorance. Obviously, I wear this jumpsuit because it's practical. Just look at all these pockets.

Rob: Can you correct me on solid ground? You're going to fall off the bridge, and then I'm going to dive in after you, and I'm not dressed for swimming. I wore a white shirt today. Do you know what happens if my white shirt gets wet? Swooning. So much swooning.

Mito: My balance is impeccable. I- What's that?

Dolly: Mito bends close to the water, eyes transfixed on something just below the surface. I crane my neck to see what she's looking- Oh. My, oh my, that's a pretty picture.

Rob: I take advantage of Mito's distraction to tug her back to safety. As I prepare to lift her over the railing, I see it. My homeworld. It's right there. I see myself hunting with my girlfriend. She laughs at something I say. The deer spook and fly back to their trees, but I don't care. Mito and Dolly are there too, along with a few other reporters.

Rob: I jerk away, nearly losing my grip on Mito. Jolted out of her trance, she lurches forward. Seconds before she splashes into the water, I hoist her back onto the bridge.

Mito: Don't say hoist. I'm not a sack of potatoes.

Dolly: And who might you be, sugar?

Mito: Symbols flash across the screen of the adorable robot.

Rob: Adorable? It's a hunk of machinery.

Mito: Clearly your eyes aren't working. I'm sure our viewers will agree; this robot is absolutely adorable. Wheels included, it's about three feet tall. Instead of a grotesque attempt at a human face, a sleek screen sits on an oval body. Curly symbols scroll across its face as it tries to communicate. I spot the universal symbol for thank you.

Rob: As Mito coos over the robot, I look to Dolly for support.

Dolly: Turn that manly frown upside down. This robot is a little cutie patootie. Just look at all that shiny chrome.

Rob: The robot slowly wheels around. I think it's trying to twirl. It isn't a very good twirl.

Mito: Rob!

Dolly: What's gotten into you? Did you fall out of the grumpy tree and hit every branch on the way down?

Rob: I'm allowed to have a bad day.

Dolly: Well take it somewhere else. Just look at our new friend. You hurt his feelings.

Rob: You're right.

Mito: Viewers, the Epic Battle Announcers might have visited Rob's home planet to cover an infamous duel to the death. Nothing is confirmed, but they returned humming a popular victory song. Rob attempted to record the coordinates, but Mr. Stanton, our boss, wiped the sparkly top hat's history.

Dolly: Oh, chin up, sugar. It probably wasn't the correct reality.

Rob: I know Dolly is trying to be nice, so I don't tell her where to stick her optimism. The image of my home in this stupid river is the closest I've come in ages.

Mito: Morosely, Rob leans over the railing to get a second look at the river. I, too, look for my home in the effervescent waters. Cellaria is a beautiful land, easily the prettiest I've ever seen. White skyscrapers tower over the clean streets. As I bend closer to the river, the colors morph and twist until I'm looking at a perfect replica of my childhood home. It isn't the luxurious penthouse I was assigned, but there's something uniquely charming about the handmade-

Trank: Back away from the edge! Can't you see the warning signs?

Dolly: Mito, Rob and I jump back from the railing. I didn't realize I was leaning so far over. My oh my, we're standing in dangerous parts. I want to kick myself. I know better than to fall for a trap like this.

Rob: Trap? I was just looking at the river.

Dolly: Anything that beguiling is always a trap.

Mito: Two professionally dressed humanoids glower at us. The woman yanks the lanyard over her head and waves her badge.

Amomda: Agent Amomda, Wish Auditor. This is Agent Trank.

Trank: I don't need you to introduce me.

Amomda: Are you going to complain all day? I only allotted forty-six minutes for whining.

Trank: I only allotted forty-eight minutes for superfluous comments. Will we need to adjust the timeline?

Mito: As the robot hides behind Rob, I narrow my eyes. These two strangers sound like government tax assessors, or worse, corporate stooges.

Trank: Amomda, look. Sparkly silver top hat? Pompous diction?

Amomda: They're practically radiating greed and insufferable curiosity. Great, the gossip hounds are here.

Trank: Clear out. This is private property.

Dolly: Well aren't you two a pair of peaches?

Trank: We aren't a pair of anything. Now, leave.

Dolly: Can't imagine why. You could charm the paint off a picket fence.

Mito: The CBW Channel has permission to be here. We aren't going anywhere.

Amomda: And what division would be evil enough to encourage the presence of reporters?

Mito: Marketing.

Trank: Of course they did.

Dolly: A polite soul might apologize, but we'll settle for a tour.

Trank: Fine. That's the River Longing. That's the factory that bottles it up. Questions? No? Clear out.

Mito: I don't think I've ever met anyone so poetic.

Amomda: Don't compliment him with your ignorant sarcasm. Poets are a parasite on the economy. You reporters can run your little segment, but stay out of the factory. We're going to walk away, and you're going to stay on the right side of the river.

Mito: Asshole. Ahem. We stand on a quaint lavender-

Dolly: Lilac

Mito: Quaint lavender bridge. Over the gentle babbling of dreams, you can hear the chugging of machinery in the distance. Every day, the Pendulum Corporation bottles roughly a thousand gallons of hope. This hope then bolsters the sad, pathetic lives of anyone with money to spare.

Dolly: A lot of money. Oodles and oodles.

Mito: Pendulum Hope is the number one treatment for depression, grief, and the crushing realization that your life doesn't matter. You may be nothing but a speck of dust floating through the cold, unforgiving universe, but Pendulum Hope can give your life meaning.

Dolly: Please use responsibly. Common side effects include quitting one's job, smiling at babies, and starting a rebellion against a totalitarian regime. The Pendulum corporation is not responsible for any revolutions, coups, or uprisings that follow. Ask your doctor if hope is right for you.

Mito: Pendulum Hope. Life sucks, so snort some mist.

Dolly: Dear, is that really what marketing told us to say?

Mito: Yes. Probably. The ink may have smeared on the last line. Why? Is it obvious?

Rob: Uh, Mito? The Glundark Empire outbid the Pendulum Corporation. We're going with the other angle.

Mito: Never mind.

Mito: Every day, Pendulum brand hope destroys millions of lives.

Dolly: Doctors hand out prescriptions willy-nilly to anyone who seems a little blue. Everything seems great.

Mito: At first.

Rob: Once you're hooked, you can't stop. You have to keep sniffing more and more hope just to stay alert. Before you know it, you're emptying your savings account just to stay alive. Worse, second-hand hope inhalation is affecting our children.

Dolly: One in five girls believe they can become a beauty influencer. Even the ugly ones.

Rob: The outlook is just as grim for the boys. Hook them on hope, and they'll consider themselves athletes. They may even try out for the varsity team.

Mito: Hope creates unstable, dysfunctional individuals with delusions of freewill and self-determination. It encourages law-abiding citizens to rebel against the totalitarian regime that's given them so much. If you are struggling to stay positive in your meaningless life, join the Glundark Peacekeepers for a happy, wholesome career in conquering star systems.

Rob: Hope is crushing our communities and convincing vulnerable children to pursue musical theater. Say nope to Hope.

Amomda: Wait! Don't say Nope to Hope! I just got a message from my boss. The funding came through.

Trank: No nopes! Say nope to hope nopes!

Mito: So we are noping the hope?

Dolly: No, dear. I think we're noping the hoping of nopes. Hold up. That doesn't sound right. We're hoping for nope hope?

Rob: I'm so confused.

Amonda: No hope nopes. We like hope! Everyone should buy more hope.

Mito: Okay. Um… hope is great? Viewers, please forget everything bad we've ever said about hope.

Dolly: Maybe we should try this again later.

Trank: If you watched your inbox, we wouldn't be in this mess, Amomda.

Amomda: If you had a little more professionalism, we could already be done with this farce, Trank.

Dolly: Should we start over?

Rob: No! I can't take another argument over the color of the bridge. It's purple. Just let it be purple.

Mito: We don't have time for divas, Rob. If you're going to be such a downer, you'd better go sniff some hope.

Rob: I glower at Mito.

Dolly: It looks more like a brooding frown to me.

Rob: I glower at Dolly, then stomp back to the bridge so I can stick my face back in the rainbow mist.

Trank: Stop! Are you hoping for a fate worse than death? The river produces pure, unadulterated hope. Dunk your face in there, and you'll never be cynical again.

Mito: Oh, really? The stuff in the little blue bottles is only 6% hope?

Trank: You're bottling it at 6%? Haven't you been receiving the memos? We're selling 2% now.

Amomda: I told you something was wrong. Wishes have been too large lately. People should be wishing for coupons and shoelaces that stay tied. Maybe they wish their workplace would switch to the good toilet paper, but that's pushing it. Do you know what wish I saw yesterday? Art school.

Trank: No!

Amomda: Granted, they only wanted one course at a community college, but that is still too flipping close. You and I both know that's a gateway drug to poetry.

Trank: Not the poetry. There's only one thing we can do.

Trank: No, it's much too late for that. We have to shut this factory down before any more gets out.

Amomda: If we want your opinion, we'll ask for it. Go shut down the processor.

Rob: Mito? Can we get a translation?

Mito: No.

Dolly: Too fast for you, huh? Don't worry. I'm sure the network will provide captions.

Mito: I understood it. I just can't repeat it. I'm having a tiny feud with one of the censors, and I don't want to give her the pleasure of bleeping my voice.

Trank: Don't just stand there. After him!

Dolly: We three reporters chase after the fleeing robot. Why do we always have to run everywhere? I swear, every time my hip acts up, I end up sprinting. Do these bones look like they're made for sprinting? Oh, thank you, sugar.

Rob: With Dolly on my shoulders, I quickly catch up to the wish auditors. They aren't very fast.

Dolly: I think the bickering is slowing them down.

Amomda: The robot refused! Can it refuse? Surely their programming won't allow that.

Trank: That robot has worked in the River Longing for over a decade. Who knows what's happened to the wiring.

Amomda: If you just listened to me, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Trank: You see problems around every corner. If I investigated every alleged problem you throw on my desk, I'd never have time to do any actual wish auditing.

Mito: We follow the robot down a steep hill. The grass is soft and blue. The flowers are in bloom. It's a beautiful hill. Perfect for frolicking, if we were so inclined.

Dolly: Did you make that pun on purpose?

Mito: I'm too classy for puns.

Rob: Sure you are.

Mito: As we reach the bottom of the hill, we see a large, thick wall holding back the tumultuous currents of the River Longing.

Dolly: Most would call it a dam, dear.

Mito: I'm being descriptive.

Rob: I lean on a large metal trashcan as I look into the River Longing. It really is beautiful. I wonder how close I'd have to get to see my homeworld again?

Amomda: Careful!

Mito: Yeah, Rob. Have some dam awareness.

Dolly: If the Pendulum Corporation doesn't want accidents, they should put up a dam warning.

Rob: Very mature. I don't see the robot anywhere. It must have kept going down this massive slope.

Rob: Did you hear that?

Dolly: I didn't hear a thing. You'd best get moving.

Rob: I could've sworn I heard this trashcan beep. Is it robotic too? I swear, the future makes robots do everything. What's wrong with a little manual labor? At some point humanoids are going to forget how to blow their own noses. The robot rebellion can't come soon enough.

Dolly: Rob, stop your lollygagging. They're leaving us in the dust.

Mito: As we carefully climb down the slippery, dam stairs, I decide this is the perfect time to question the wish auditors.

Trank: It's not a good time.

Mito: If the Pendulum Corporation only sells hope at 6% strength, what else is in the bottle? Dreams?

Amomda: Certainly not. Dreams are much lighter than hope. It throws off the gas density. It would look atrocious.

Trank: Absolutely atrocious. Besides, humanoids can barely withstand hope. Dreams are far too dangerous for public consumption.

Amomda: It's mostly reality rain, but we add a hint of lemon for flavor.

Trank: That recipe is a secret.

Amomda: It's under a patent. They couldn't reproduce our hope even if they had their own river.

Rob: Why did the Pendulum Corporation decide to reduce the amount of hope in each bottle?

Amomda: We have to dilute it. Too much hope becomes self-sustaining. It's dangerous. It even caused long-term brain damage in test-subjects.

Rob: Brain damage?

Amomda: Their brains started to produce they're own hope, so the poor test subjects were always flooded with goals and aspirations. Can you imagine living like that? It was a mercy to kill them.

Trank: You're so soft-hearted, Amomda.

Amomda: It's called compassion, Trank. I'd never wish undue hope on anyone.

Rob: I think those two might be the most awful people I've ever met. I don't care if Cathy from Infomercials blew up a planet. Her evilness is nothing to these wish auditors.

Dolly: Most villains have one or two redeeming qualities. These people are just wrong in the head.

Mito: I don't think we can call them villains. At most, they're minions. Awful, awful minions.

Dolly: We reach the bottom of the slope. Everywhere I look, I see mechanical arms sucking up water from the River Longing. This must be the first step of the bottling process. From my perch on Rob's shoulders, I can't see any sign of the robot.

Trank: Where else could he be? We already checked the dam.

Amomda: We? You're the senior wish auditor. If you can't find one malfunctioning robot, then why do you get the desk by the window?

Mito: I gaze around the collecting basin in search of clues. There's no sign of our adorable, robotic friend. Perhaps he's hiding on the observation platform?

Dolly: I don't see a thing. The poor dear must be so distressed. I wonder what he's planning to do?

Mito: Perhaps he'll alert the media.

Rob: Mito, we're the media.

Dolly: Maybe he's gonna mess with that reality rain stuff so the factory can't dilute the hope any further.

Rob: As I stare up at the dam, I see movement. Is that? Huh. Mito, Dolly, is the trashcan moving?

Mito: You mean the suspiciously large shape that seems to be suspiciously close to the control panel?

Rob: That's the one.

Dolly: I reckon y'all have better eyes than I do. Is there a bunch of warning lights flashing on that there dam?

Mito: Looks that way.

Rob: Maybe we should, uh, take a few steps back?

Mito: Rob, Dolly, and I do not sprint to the nearest elevated surface. We do not scramble onto the observation platform, or dig through the emergency kit for the acid rain ponchos. That would be ridiculous. We would never evacuate without first alerting our fellow humanoids.

Dolly: Rob calls out a warning.

Rob: Hey, wish auditors. You might want to move to higher ground. I'm sure they heard that.

Dolly: The dam opens. The River Longing surges down the slope. The wish auditors sprint to safety. They'll never make it in time. Pity.

Mito: Trank jumps onto one of the mechanical arms. Just as the river is upon her, Amomda manages to climb on as well. Hopes and dreams flood the collecting basin. In seconds, the area is covered in a kaleidescope of shifting mist.

Trank: Get your own machinery!

Amomda: And risk falling into that slop! One slip, and I'll be nothing but a dreamer. Or worse, a poet!

Trank: You! Reporters! Don't just stand there! Help us!

Mito: I look at my companions. Dolly shrugs. Robs gives me a decisive nod.

Rob: Do it.

Mito: Thank you for watching the CBW channel. Stay tuned for Violet's Anatomy.

Rob: After a random amnesia event, Dr. Violet has once again slept with the chief surgeon of her space hospital… or was it the surgeon's evil twin? Find out what happens next on Violet's Anatomy.

Dolly: Ta-ta for now my lovelies.