[Episode 22] Evil-Doings Incorporated: Giving Back to the Community is the Responsibility of Every Humanoid

Interesting Fact: Percival is the second most evil name throughout the history of Universe-7. The first is a tie between Agffjfkip and Mary-Jane.

Onomatologists don't know why some names tend to be more common among villains, but the phenomenon is hard to refute. One popular theory suggests that the names themselves attract evil like some sort of moral magnet. Another theory claims that anyone willing to name their child 'Percival' is obviously the kind of parent that kills all faith in humanity. Whatever the case, one thing is clear: Never give your social security number to a Percival.

Sparks fly as Mito, Dolly, and Rob arrive for their interview at Evil-Doings Incorporated. As they investigate the intern program, Dolly proves that it's never too late to fall in love.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Mito: Welcome back to the CBW Channel. My name is Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and resident expert in prophesied heroes.

Rob: Uh, Mito? Weren't you supposed to add a personal fact?

Mito: I am the Powerhoose of Cellaria.

Dolly: Everyone knows you're a princess. Do something fun. Can you lick your own elbow?

Mito: Dolly, why would I have tried to lick my elbow? That's stupid and anatomically impossible.

Dolly: I can lick my own elbow. It's all that yoga I do. It keeps me flexible. See?

Rob: You can really do it. Wow. Let me try. Uh… almost there… no! Wait, almost… ugh. I give up. Curse my muscular biceps. They get in the way of everything.

Mito: You live to prove me wrong, don't you Rob? Every day I think you can't get anymore ridiculous, and every day you sink to new depths.

Rob: You say that, but I see you eyeing your own elbow.

Dolly: Go on, dear. You can do it. Prove your inherent superiority by licking your own elbow.

Mito: Fine. Hold my hat.

Dolly: Mito hands her hat to Rob, then sets about trying to lick her own elbow. No matter how she twists and stretches, she just can't get close enough.

Rob: Dolly, you're my hero.

Dolly: Aww. Sugar, I haven't been called a hero since I was knee high to a grasshopper.

Mito: I give up. Stop laughing, you too. I am almost too awesome to be real. If I didn't have a few weaknesses, I wouldn't be relatable.

Dolly: Of course, dear. You're clumsy and you can't lick your own elbow. Those are two fine weaknesses, if I do say so myself. To all our viewers watching at home: my name is Dolly, and I can lick my own elbow.

Rob: I'm Rob Skythrust, and I cannot.

Mito: Viewers, hopefully none of you had your psychic receptors on. If you did witness that moment of indignity, keep it to yourself. Better yet, convince other people it never happened. I'm sorry. What were we talking about? One moment I was introducing myself, and now I'm here. Time is strange. Sometimes, it just seems to fold in on itself. Perhaps the fold is signaling the arrival of another temporal storm.

Dolly: Perish the thought. Don't even joke about that.

Rob: If you don't have psychic receptors, you can buy a synthetic pair at Maximart or order directly from the CBW Channel. The number will now flash across the back of your eyelids.

Dolly: For viewers without psychic abilities, Mr. Stanton suggests plastic surgery. In the meantime, we'll be describing the visuals.

Mito: Before Dolly can make anymore interesting suggestions, I raise my hand.

Rob: We materialize in a spaceship.

Mito: Rob, this is not a spaceship.

Rob: Yes it is. Look at all this gray metal.

Dolly: Sugar, there's a window right behind you. We can see the city below us.

Rob: It's a spaceship in orbit.

Mito: Do you feel the thrum of engines in the floor? All I feel is cheap carpet.

Rob: Maybe the spaceship is docked. I don't know. Your briefing said there would be a spaceship. This hallway is the right color.

Dolly: Do you think every spaceship is gray?

Mito: That's more of an interior design choice found in the Glundark Empire. When Universe 7 finally achieved space travel, they painted all their internal walls magenta.

Rob: Mito, you said there would be a spaceship in the briefing. Why would you write about a spaceship if we weren't going to investigate a spaceship?

Mito: I didn't say anything about space ships. I wrote about a space laser.

Rob: Which is attached to a spaceship?

Mito: No.

Percival: Hello! Are you the new interns?

Dolly: Hello, handsome. For you, I could be.

Mito: The man blushes. He's about Dolly's age. The vibrant green hair common among his species has faded to a dusty sage. He's wearing braces. Correction: He's wearing ornamental teeth. As he speaks, I can see flashes of gold and turquoise behind his olive lips.

Percival: My name is Professor Percival, head of the intern program.

Dolly: What a coincidence, Percy. We're here to interview the head of the intern program.

Mito: Percival beams, showing off the gold rings welded to his teeth.

Percival: You're from the CBW Channel. I should've known when I heard the narration. Evil Doings Incorporated is very excited about this interview.

Dolly: And you personally?

Percival: Me especially. If no one has shown you around yet, I'd be honored to give you the tour.

Mito: Percival offers Dolly his arm like he's a knight in a ren fair.

Rob: A what?

Mito: Remember when I told you about cosplay? Same nerds. Different genre.

Rob: I hate how much that makes sense. I think about complaining, but then I remember my tiny mixup with the space ship. Maybe I'll let this one go.

Mito: As we wander through the aggressively gray halls, I graciously allow Dolly to begin the interview.

Dolly: Oh, right. The interview. Percival, as you and all our viewers can see, we're just tickled to be at Evil Doings Incorporated. Do you mind telling us about yourself? What you do here… how long you've worked at the company… what kind of chocolate you like licked off your abs…

Rob: He has abs?

Mito: Do you want to find out?

Percival: I've been with Evil Doings Incorporated since the beginning, so a little over two centuries in standard time. Over the course of my career, my job description has expanded significantly. I'm most proud of my work with the intern program. I think giving back to the community is a fundamental obligation for every humanoid. And, uh, [chuckle] green chocolate.

Dolly: Green chocolate is delicious.

Percival: Especially with—

Mito: Nope. Nope. Nope. Let's keep this clean. We have censors.

Rob: Evil censors

Dolly: But not the fun kind of evil.

Mito: Also, I don't need to know this much about my coworkers. We're moving on. As lead reporter, I am forbidding all mention of chocolate, abs, or body shots.

Dolly: I didn't even mention body shots.

Rob: We know you, Dolly.

Mito: Percival waits for the security lock to scan his retinas. As the door slides open, we enter a room filled with screens and young humanoids. Oh, stars. When did I start considering college students young? I swear, I was their age only yesterday. Maybe not exactly their age, because most species on the planet Anteria tend to live longer than my kind, but proportionally, I am still young.

Dolly: There's no need to have a crisis, dear. You still have that youthful glow… like I do.

Mito: Oh, no.

Percival: As you can see, this is the intern room. We like to keep them separated from our salaried employees to reduce the chances of accidental dismemberment.

Dolly: Of course. That's just good business sense. Insurance goes through the roof when the underlings have the audacity to keep getting themselves killed.

Mito: Percival, I think our audience would love to hear a little more about what the interns actually do. Could you give us the spiel?

Percival: Evil Doings Incorporated is dedicated to the spread of evil, mischief, and morally dubious business practices. We elevate playground arguments into multi-generational feuds. We take rudimentary revenge and turn it into stylish vengeance. We are the schemers and the plotters, the snakes hiding in the grass. No mere hero can stop me!

Percival: My apologies. Usually I only give that speech to the fools trying to stomp on my grand vision.

Dolly: It happens to the best of us. Just to be clear, my fine green friend, do you regulate villainous activity, or is this more of a mercenary situation?

Percival: I consider us a consulting agency. We're available for short-term projects, like blowing up the local hero museum, but we prefer to help our customers refine their evil plans.

Dolly: Interesting. I'm sure you have a lot of customers.

Percival: Almost too many. It's tragic to admit, but villains just aren't classy like they used to be. Time after time, I meet small-minded crooks trying to take down the teacher who flunked them in algebra. One poor, deluded soul thought his life would be better if he dyed her teeth brown. Where's the flair? The panache?

Dolly: Absolutely disgraceful.

Percival: An owner of a private waste management company once approached me about human trafficking. Human. Trafficking.

Dolly: That ain't classy.

Percival: It's a disgrace to all villains. Can you imagine such a loathsome cockroach being affiliated with Evil Doings Incorporated?

Dolly: I hope you sent him packing.

Percival: I fed him to my crocodile. Allegedly.

Mito: Rob nudges me, and I notice the crocodile basking beneath the skylight. I casually take a step to the left. Can you imagine developing skin cancer from a skylight? Obviously, I'm not concerned by the crocodile. I take the integrity of my epidermis very seriously.

Percival: Every day, I find myself disappointed by the new generation. Something had to be done. Magnanimous man that I am, I took it upon myself to save villainy from disrepute.

Dolly: Oh that's why you have interns. I thought you were just using them for cheap labor.

Percival: The cheap labor is nice, I admit, but my goal is progress. I wish to inspire a new class of visionaries. One who sees an orphanage infested with rats and thinks, I can genetically modify them.

Mito: The children or the rats?

Percival: Why pick? The sky is the limit!

Dolly: You let the sky be your limit? Shame. I was really starting to like you.

Percival: The sky isn't my limit, of course. I just think it's wise to establish boundaries with the minions. We can't have them outclassing me, can we?

Gwen: Uh, sir?

Percival: Yes, young Gwendolyn. Have you finished your calculations?

Gwen: Okay, so first, my name is Gwen. I don't know why you keep calling me Gwendolyn. Literally no one says that. Two, sure. Calculations have definitely been calculated. Three, the union talked to you about calling us minions. If we aren't going to be paid like minions, you can't call us minions.

Percival: I love your attitude, but I disemboweled your union.

Mito: Does he mean disbanded?

Rob: I doubt it.

Gwen: You said collective bargaining is a neutral activity. We're allowed three neutral acts a day, and I chose advocating for my union.

Percival: Unions are neutral. Union-busting is evil. I have a responsibility to uphold the fundamental values of this company. If this is a little too wicked for you, I can send you back to the preschool for another candy run.

Gwen: That's another thing. Why do we have to take candy from babies? I don't want their candy. It's covered in snot and saliva.

Percival: Trust the process, Gwendolyn.

Gwen: Ugh.

Rob: Gwen stomps back to her workstation and whips out some sort of communication device. She catches me watching and blows me a kiss. I look away. She's pretty and about my age, but we've got her hands full with Dolly and Percival. Besides, I don't think she's very good at her job. Gwen has more paperwork stacked on her desk than anyone else.

Mito: You're fine with dating an evil intern, but you draw the line at incompetence?

Rob: I have to draw the line somewhere. Honestly, half my roommates are former villains. As long as they aren't actively including me in their plots, I've decided to live and let live.

Dolly: That's a little harsh. Do you have enough friends that you can afford to lose them over a little plotting?

Rob: I'm fairly popular.

Mito: He's a sellout. Yesterday, I saw him playing pickleball with Kragen Hunt.

Percival: Pay no attention to young Gwendolyn. She lacks the drive to be truly evil.

Dolly: If she doesn't have the spark, how did she become an intern? What's your process? Do they have to plan a bank robbery?

Percival: I like to begin by testing the candidate's resolve and forcing them to confront the greatest evil of all: bureaucracy. After they've completed the form in triplicate, our secretary accidentally shreds it, and they have to start over.

Dolly: Ooh. You make them fill out a hard copy?

Percival: Of course. If I allowed them the use of a peach pad, they might be able to copy-paste their answers.

Dolly: Do you give them a clipboard?

Percival: Yes, but it's too small for the papers. They must constantly readjust the positioning. The pens are 57% smaller than standard, and they're designed to stop working every few lines. [evil laugh]

Dolly: Heaven's to Betsy, that's evil.

Percival: After the application is submitted, each intern must plan and execute one despicable act. My protege called in a bomb threat to the special olympics. Do you know what Gwendolyn did? She went shopping and left her cart in the middle of the aisle. Eight people were mildly inconvenienced.

Dolly: That's just pathetic. Why would you accept her into the program?

Percival: Nepotism can be incredibly evil. I thought she just needed a little guidance to bring the evil out of her. Unfortunately, her only villainous trait is her upbringing. She's the granddaughter of a favored minion.

Dolly: What a shame. You don't think she's interested in the other side, do you?

Percival: Certainly not. Gwendolyn lacks all signs of a conscience. She has no morals, but she is missing the drive for pure evil. She is the most aggressively neutral person I've ever met. I'm trying to guide her to a better path, but she won't look up from her phone long enough to hear my monologues. Honestly, it might be time to consider more permanent solutions.

Mito: Just to be clear, are we still talking about genetic modification? Percival jolts, as if just remembering I exist. I would be offended, but it's rare for Dolly to find someone she clicks with.

Percival: I'm thinking about firing Gwendolyn and giving her desk to one of the super rats.

Mito: Rob edges away from the group to speak to the intern in question. Graciously, I don't call attention to the fact that he's abandoned me. Percival, could you explain what you mean by 'firing?'

Percival: Termination.

Mito: And by termination, you mean HR will give her a letter?

Dolly: Percy, I think my dear Mito is trying to figure out if termination involves flamethrowers.

Percival: She isn't an overlarge intern. One flamethrower should be sufficient.

Dolly: Have you considered alligators?

Mito: As Dolly and Percival give each other besotted looks. I see Rob whispering something to Gwen. Alarmed, she looks at Percival, then begins furiously typing on her phone.

Percival: What was that about Gwendolyn?

Mito: This seems like a great time to talk about our sponsor, Llama Cigarettes. Have you said something that should've been an inside thought? Do you regularly stick your foot in your mouth? Does your jaw always move faster than your brain? You need Llama Cigarettes.

Dolly: Llama Cigarettes are the perfect product to buy you time. When you need to break the awkwardness, light up a Llama Cigarette.

Mito: Llama Cigarettes are available in a variety of flavors, including mint, cinnamon, and strookenberry. For the socially awkward tiny people in your life, consider asking your local pediatric oncologist for a child-sized cigarette. For a limited time only, child-sized cigarettes come in a variety pack of fun flavors like cotton candy, pineapple fusion, and blue raspberry. Even better, you can unfold the box to reveal your favorite cartoon character. Try to collect them all!

Percival: This is the most evil commercial I've ever seen. It's so beautiful.

Dolly: Llama Cigarettes are scientifically proven to make you appear twenty percent less awkward than the leading non-nicotine competitors. Remember, well-adjusted people smoke Llamas.

Percival: Much as I adore your willingness to sell addictive carcinogens to children, it appears that Rob Skythrust is actively encouraging my interns to escape. It's time for your three to leave. Dolly, please keep in touch.

Dolly: I will. Here, give me your arm.

Mito: Dolly pulls out a tube of lipstick and writes her contact information on Percival's arm. I don't know why she doesn't use a pen, and I'm afraid to ask. Percival gives her an adoring look.

Percival: It's a shame there wasn't time to show you my space laser.

Dolly: Is that a euphemism?

Percival: For you, my darling, it could be.

Mito: As I try to avoid watching the mournful goodbye, the roof caves in. I scramble backwards to escape the falling chunks of concrete.

Dynamic Mechanic: Your villainous reign is over, Percival. It's time to meet justice.

Gwen: Seriously, Dad? I just asked you to pick me up. Why do you have to make a scene?

Percival: Gwendolyn is the daughter of the Dynamic Mechanic? I should've known. All along, she was an undercover hero.

Dynamic Mechanic: You never stood a chance, Percival. From the very beginning, she was poised to dismantle your villainous empire.

Gwen: Why do you always do this? I only filled out that stupid intern application because Grandma insisted.

Dynamic Mechanic: Gwen is being overly modest, the trait of a true hero.

Gwen: I'm not a hero. I just want to dance.

Dynamic Mechanic: For justice!

Rob: That roof looks a little unstable.

Mito: It does. I don't think the Dynamic Mechanic prioritizes the structural integrity of the buildings he drops into.

Dolly: Let's just scoot a little this way. I want to see how Percy gets out of this one.

Rob: As Gwen and the Dynamic Mechanic argue, Percy tiptoes toward a mysterious door.

Mito: Literally tiptoes. I've never seen anyone older than six tiptoe with quite so much flare.

Dolly: Oh, hush your mouth. Percy is doing great.

Rob: The door slides open to reveal a magenta room with a thousand buttons. Percy darts inside.

Mito: As the alarms blare, the warning lights come on. According to the flashing signs, Percival has just initiated a travel sequence.

Dynamic Mechanic: No! You won't escape justice this time.

Rob: Hold on. That's a space ship. I was right! There is a space ship.

Mito: Oh, stars. Rob will never let me forget this.

Percival: Goodbye, Dolly! May we meet again!

Dolly: Call me!

Mito: I'm not really sure how to react to… any of that. Fortunately for me, I don't have to.

Rob: Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for Love Chasm. The only dating show that takes place in a deep, dark chasm. Watch as twenty-four lonely hearts stumble over the flesh-eating cave centipedes and fall into love. Hey, how do you think Dolly would do on that show?

Mito: As a host, terrifying. As a contestant… she'd probably win over the cave centipedes and use them to keep the other lonely hearts away from her harem of men.

Rob: Yeah, I can see that.

Dolly: Oh, you two. Ta-ta-

Mito: Dolly!

Rob: What the flippety!

Mito: Viewers, I'm not sure what just happened. I saw a burst of static. I braced myself for yet another temporal storm.

Rob: I shut my eyes for just a second, I swear. Staring directly into a temporal storm gives you the worst headache.

Mito: This isn't about you, Rob. Dolly is gone!