[Episode 24] The Trial of Villainette de Eville

Interesting Fact: 'Inescapable' is a cursed word. No one knows who created the jinx, but the facts are undeniable to even the most skeptical scholars. Inescapable prisons see far more breakouts than the low-security penitentiaries designed to hold tax-evaders and jay-walkers. Inescapable death is an oxymoron, as death itself is often considered an escape. Inescapable magical-dampening shackles are practically begging to be broken during an evil monologue.

Mito and Rob wait to testify at the dramatic trial of Dolly. Tune into the CBW channel for the epic season finale as Mito attempts to clear Dolly's name and Rob attempts maintain his sanity.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Mito: Welcome back to the CBW Channel. I'm Mito'ca'hondria, Powerhoose of Cellaria and witness for the accused.

Rob: And I'm Rob Skythrust. We're recording live from the courtroom of the most highly anticipated trial since Orange Juice Sampson murdered his wife.

Mito: Accused of murdering. He was acquitted.

Rob: You saw the same documentary I did. If he was innocent, why would he write a book called I totally did it?

Mito: I'm not an expert on the twisted minds of murderous headball players. Regardless, the libel laws are really strict in Universe 286. Don't throw around accusations you can't prove.

Rob: I guess that's fair. We're whispering out of respect for the courtroom. Although the media are usually banned, we've received special permission to be here.

Mito: No we haven't.

Rob: Mito, I don't want to be a sheep.

Mito: Don't be such a worrywart. The court subpoenaed us. We have a right to be here, and everyone knows the surgically implanted microphones can't come out.

Judge: All rise.

Mito: The judge is announcing all of Dolly's alleged monikers. Villainette de Eville. You Know The One. The Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. The Evil Sorceress. The Wicked Sorceress. The Wickedly Evil Sorceress. That is a lot of names. I don't think I can relay them all. The judge is still going. I think he's listed over two dozen. Ooh, ooh, he's stopping. Shh. I think they're about to portal Dolly in.

Rob: I wasn't speaking —  You know what? Never mind.

Mito: Dolly arrives in a shower of magenta light. She's wearing magic-resistant shackles and a neon orange jumpsuit. It has only been a few days for us, but Dolly has been in prison for almost two standard months. She looks… small. Clearly, the legal system has mistreated her.

Rob: I don't know, Mito. I think she might be trying to look small. She's wearing that same look on her face when she's trying to get a day off from Mr. Stanton.

Mito: She looks like she's had her whole life torn apart on the basis of false accusations and circumstantial evidence. Dolly is not Villainette de Eville.

Judge: Ahem. There should be silence in the courtroom. Who is speaking?

Rob: A law… person… bailiff… I don't know anything about the justice system in Universe 286. Someone official-looking is whispering in one of the judge's eighteen ears.

Mito: Eighteen visible ears. His species has a total of twenty-two. The others are likely hidden under his towering hat.

Judge: Them? The reporters?

Rob: Uh-oh.

Mito: Dolly spots me in the crowd and waves. Obviously, I wave back.

Dolly: Hello, dear. My lawyer said you agreed to be a character witness. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support. Prison is miserable. I haven't baked anything in months, and the boredom is gonna be my death. I never thought I'd miss the CBW channel. The pay may have been shit, but at least I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Judge: The accused will remain silent.

Dolly: You're here too, Rob? Did you change your mind? I can always use another character witness.

Judge: The accused will refrain from making statements.

Dolly: That was clearly a greeting. Didn't your mama teach you any manners? It's just plain rude to ignore your friends. If I was going to make a statement, I'd say something like, 'Villainette de Eville is a ridiculous name created as a joke by a man with more audacity than sense.' Everyone knows you shouldn't run around handing out monikers willy nilly. You never know who'll take offense.

Dolly: Of course, if I was the villain y'all think I am, I'd probably toss in a few threats. Something like, I'm going to curse every single person who participates in this legal charade. No, that's not quite right. A villain would be more descriptive. Giant boils, daily hemorrhoids, a plague to wipe out society, that sort of thing.

Rob: How do you defend that, Mito? She's literally threatening the courtroom.

Mito: Hypothetical threats. She said 'if.'

Judge: You. CBW reporters, there is no filming in my courtroom.

Mito: We apologize, but our boss, Mr. Stanton refused to let us answer a court summons if we didn't broadcast the action.

Judge: You are legally required to be here. Whether you film or not has no bearing on your presence. It does, however, affect your future.

Mito: Mr. Stanton will make us leave if we stop broadcasting.

Judge: Mr. Stanton had no authority in my courtroom. If you cannot turn off the psychic broadcasters, then you will sit with the other witnesses. If you refuse to take either option, I will hold you in contempt of court.

Rob: Not the sheep.

Mito: Fine.

Rob: Mito, I know you're upset about Dolly, but you have got to calm down. What is that thing Fern always says? Take a chillax?

Mito: It's take a chill pill, Rob. Chillax is a standalone phrase. Ugh. I don't know why I'm bothering to explain Fern's odd phrases. This is the first time I have ever been in agreement with Mr. Stanton. We have to broadcast that trial. If we don't people might not know Dolly has been declared innocent.

Rob: She isn't.

Mito: People might think she's Villainette de Eville.

Rob: She is.

Mito: They might think she'll curse them.

Rob: She will.

Mito: We can't let a few baseless accusations ruin Dolly's life.

Rob: Look at the evidence! Look at all the details that never made sense. She's cursed entire worlds. She killed Dr. Ravenwood.

Mito: She would never!

Rob: You know what? I'm not having this conversation again. Let's just stand in the witness lineup.

Mito: I glare at Rob, but I don't want to miss my chance to testify on Dolly's behalf. We join a long line of princesses, monsters, warriors with haunted eyes, and a single, bulbous frog.

Grugg: Francis is right. I think you're in the wrong line. We're testifying against You Know The One. You two look too bright-eyed to have run afoul of her evil magic.

Mito: I know you've been affected by Villainette de Eville, but surely you can see that Dolly isn't the one who cursed you.

Rob: I look around and see several familiar faces. Is that Tayla Quick?

Mito: See? The prosecution is digging up Dolly's enemies is an attempt to smear her name.

Rob: Or they could've subpoenaed Tayla Quick because Dolly left her passed out in a library of carnivorous ferns. I'm shocked she's alive.

Tayla Quick: Honey, I rose up from the dead. I do it all the time.

Mito: You look great for a zombie. I didn't think anyone could look good in an orange jumpsuit.

Tayla Quick: Don't I? The Inter-dimensional Travel Bureau offered to drop a few charges if I agreed to testify. It wasn't a hard choice. I had the adoration of billions, a record-breaking music career, and a room full of snow globe worlds I could visit whenever life seemed stale. Dolly made me play the role of a fool. I don't like her little games. I don't like her perfect crimes. Why wouldn't I want to dig her grave?

Rob: Dolly is definitely Villainette de Eville, but she didn't destroy your life. You were the one who kidnapped hundreds and hundreds of people to force them to play out your fantasies. You were the one who thought it was a good idea to show off your prison on a live broadcast. Dolly might be a villain, but she was a hero that day.

Tayla Quick: Careful, Rob. You're talking shit for the hell of it. Karma is a relaxing thought. For a guy like you, it's not.

Mito: Tayla Quick is a powerful witch, but Dolly took her out with a twitch of her fingers. It doesn't surprise me that Tayla Quick would try to make her defeat less embarrassing by attributing it to one of the most powerful magic users in recorded history.

Rob: Tayla Quick seems to be on the verge of strangling us both, so I nudge Mito to continue down the line. We might have a little luck with those ladies standing by the fire suppression system.

Mito: The ones covered in boils, or the ones wearing Harriet Pottery merchandise?

Rob: I approach the young women wearing hats bedazzled with Harriet Pottery's name. Hey. I'm Rob Skythrust.

Ronnie: We aren't only wearing the hats, you know. Don't you see our jerseys? She wore this exact jersey in her last headball tournament before.

Harmony: I'm Harmony, and this is Ronnie. We were Harriet's best friends. I can't wait to see You Know That One pay for what she did.

Mito: I sense there is no point in trying to plead Dolly's case.

Rob: What was your first clue? Mito, I know you don't want to believe it, but at least consider the possibility.

Rob: I don't like the way the security robots are looking at us.

Mito: I squint at the display screen. It wants us to move into the correct line. Apparently, the defense team is over there.

Rob: I follow Mito's finger. While the prosecution line stretches out of the courthouse, the defense side is smaller. Much, much smaller. There's nine people waiting to testify. Two of them are ancient. They radiate evil and dark magic. The rest are teenagers.

Mito: Unlike the tattered cloaks of the ancients, the teens are wearing clothes they'd no doubt call stylish. To my discerning eye, they look like posers.

Rob: Posers?

Mito: They want to look more dangerous than they are. No true villain needs a studded belt and studded platform boots. Also, black is so overdone. Real villains wear bright colors to contrast with their malevolence.

Rob: Bright colors? You mean like Dolly's pink tracksuit.

Mito: Shut up, Rob. Concentrate. We're looking at a catastrophe. These people will make Dolly look awful.

Rob: Mito marches over to the robot and begins to interrogate it. After a moment, she stomps back.

Mito: We're leaving.

Rob: Great.

Mito: We're time travelers. Instead of waiting around uselessly, we'll go out and find witnesses that could testify on Dolly's behalf.

Rob: I don't know why I let myself hope.

Mito: I adjust my shiny, silver lead reporter hat and brace for dematerialization.

Rob: Wait! Let's cut the broadcast-

Mito: Viewers, we are back in the courthouse. Put down your popcorn and brace yourselves as we alter the course of this momentous trial.

Rob: We have a secret weapon that definitely won't backfire. Say hello, Andy.

Andy: Hi.

Mito: Loyal viewers may recognize Andy from a previous episode. Andy's entire town was cursed by Villainette de Eville after he egged her pink corvette.

Andy: That's me.

Andy: I'm not even in the same universe as my town. How could the curse have followed me? Is there no escape?

Mito: I'm sorry you're the butt of the joke in every universe, but you need to focus. You saw Villainette de Eville up close. You'll be able to swear Dolly had nothing to do with your curse.

Andy: Her face was covered by a hood, like in every reported sighting of the evil sorceress.

Mito: I brought a cloak. Dolly can pull down the hood, and then you'll know for certain.

Rob: Tell our viewers where you found the cloak, Mito.

Mito: In Dolly's closet [fast] But that means nothing! She has a lot of roommates. It could've been anyone's mysterious cloak. Besides, cloaks are very utilitarian. They're waterproof, warm, and they make you look at least twice as interesting.

Andy: Cloaks are good for aura-farming.

Mito and Rob simultaneously: What?

Mito: Never mind. I don't care. Hurry. Get in line. They're about to call the next witness.

Rob: Dolly's lawyer surveys the crowd of witnesses with dismay. She was sent by the Committee for Decency Among Prisoners, or C-DAP. She's a clever android, but I think she knows her chances of winning the case shrink every time a new witness takes the stand. There's just too many people with an axe to grind. Even if Dolly was innocent, I doubt she could beat these charges.

Mito: What do you mean by 'if?' She is innocent, and Andy is going to help us prove it.

Rob: As Mito hurries off to explain her plan to Dolly's lawyer, I look at Andy. Sooooo

Andy: Yeah. Your friend isn't too bright, is she?

Rob: She was smart enough to not egg the car of an evil sorceress, so I'd say she's doing better than you. As we wait, I decide now is the perfect time to talk about our sponsors. Neither Dolly nor Villainette de Eville is affiliated with Notta Perfume. Dolly is also not affiliated with Peeper's Peanuts, Fickle Fackle Emporium, or Invisisoup. She is affiliated with Llama Cigarettes. Remember, viewers. Llama Cigarettes make your evil plans 22% cooler than the leading competitors. We're still waiting to hear from Finger Knives and a few other sponsors. Paperwork, you know. It takes time to check for legally dubious loopholes in the contracts.

Rob: Mito signals frantically. I guess the lawyer agreed. Andy is pulled into the courtroom. Mito motions, and we sneak in as well.

Mito: Shh.

Mito: The lawyer calls Andy to the stand. He states his name and swears to tell the truth.

Rob: Dolly turns around. I think she's looking for us. She does not look pleased. As Andy explains his connection to Villainette de Eville, Dolly gives Andy a sweet smile. He blanches and briefly loses his train of thought. Hey, Mito. When this is over, do you think they'll call her Dolly de Eville?

Lawyer: How can you be certain you were cursed by The evil sorceress, and not a moderately evil copycat?

Andy: A bunch of experts tried to break the curse. They all agreed it was the most powerful curse they'd ever seen. One of them, Gloria the Good, said the magical signature matched the one found at the Battle of Morrigan Magical Academy for Girls.

Judge: We have heard extensive testimony from Harriet Pottery's surviving friends, as well as witnesses of the battle. Gloria the Good has also been called as an expert several times. As it is the third day of the trial, the court strongly encourages the defense to get to the point.

Lawyer: Do you recognize Villainette de Eville on the defendant's stand?

Andy: I can't be sure. She was wearing a cloak with the hood pulled over her face.

Mito: This is it! The lawyer shows the cloak to the jury. Dolly appears to be arguing with her lawyer. She takes the cloak with sluggish movements and pulls it around her shoulders. Clearly, she is exhausted by these court proceedings. I shoot her a thumbs up. See, Rob. That doesn't look anything like Villainette de Eville.

Judge: The defendant will pull up her hood.

Mito: Dolly slowly pulls up her hood and-

Andy: Yup. That is the sorceress who cursed me.

Dolly: Now wait one pea-picking minute. I am being unfairly targeted for my age. Every humanoid woman in her golden years will look about the same when she pulls a dark hood over her face.

Judge: The defendant will refrain from speaking unless asked.

Lawyer: The defendant is correct. Approximately seventy-six percent of her face is concealed by fabric or otherwise shrouded in shadows. To prove the identification is in error, she will read the statement before her.

Dolly: Well now I don't want to. Humph. It is the 38th century, and women are still being reduced to their body parts. Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Judge: Read the statement.

Dolly: Fine. I am the evil sorceress

Judge: That voice is obviously feigned. Do it correctly.

Dolly: Yo soy la bruja malvada.

Judge: This is your final warning. I will throw you in contempt of court.

Dolly: I don't care if you do. I have multiple charges of mass murder, cursing without a license and general mayhem. One more itty bitty charge won't make a difference.

Andy: I am 1000% sure Dolly is Villainette de Eville.

Mito: Traitor!

Rob: I urge Mito to sit back down, but she points an accusing finger at Andy.

Mito: This is just revenge for that time we refused to take Andy back to the Crack Between Worlds. He spent the whole episode talking with her and never so much as accused her of jaywalking. He just wants to see someone else suffer as much as he has.

Judge: Order in the court! Mito'ca'hondria, I will hold you in contempt if you speak again.

Mito: Is that Dr. Ravenwood? A cloud of swirling static appears to be pulling itself into a shape that almost resembles the lanky scientist I once knew. He has the same skinny mustache and bronze glasses. I peer into the static. Is this the real Dr. Ravenwood, or just another imposter?

Lawyer: Your Honor, the temporal anomaly appears to be manifesting himself in the courtroom. Given the logistical difficulty with keeping a non-physical being in a waiting room, I move to dismiss the current witness.

Dolly: Who's side are you on!?

Judge: Granted. The court calls Dr. Ravenwood to the stand.

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood floats in place, so the android lawyer picks up the witness stand in plops it in front of him.

Lawyer: Please state your identity to the court.

Dr. Ravenwood: Dolly killed me.

Lawyer: Please state your identity to the court.

Dr. Ravenwood: Dolly killed me.

Lawyer: Please state your identity to the court.

Rob: Oh, stars. They're in a feedback loop. Already, Dr. Ravenwood's form is beginning to lose shape. The lawyers will need to hurry the questioning along if they want to know anything useful.

Judge: In the interest of time, the defense will ask an identifying question.

Lawyer: What is something only Dr. Ravenwood could know?

Dr. Ravenwood: Mito has a secret pet wolf-bat.

Rob: You have a secret pet wolf-bat? Why didn't you tell me? I love wolves and bats.

Mito: It wouldn't be a secret if I told everyone. Dr. Ravenwood was the only one who knew. He built wolfie an automatic feeder.

Lawyer: Identity confirmed. How is the anomalous being manifesting itself?

Dr. Ravenwood: When the nanites consumed me, an imprint was saved in their genetic processing hub.

Mito: It isn't really him? The nanites saved an imprint of his conciousness when they obliterated him. Do you know what this means, Rob? He'll be purged in the next update. Dr. Ravenwood is truly, completely and entirely dead.

Lawyer: This scientific explanation is pending further review and may be amended by later experts. Did the anomalous being cause the temporal storms that repeatedly impacted the CBW reporting team?

Dr. Ravenwood: Yes.

Lawyer: For what purpose?

Dr. Ravenwood: Dolly killed me. Dolly is dangerous to my team.

Lawyer: Why do you believe Dolly killed Dr. Ravenwood?

Ravenwood: [static] Research. [static] Came too close. [static] Creator of the crack.

Dolly: That's a bald-faced lie! I killed him for working against me.

Rob: Dr. Ravenwood fizzles out of the courtroom. Apparently, his unfinished business is now finished.

Mito: Dolly

Dolly: Oh, don't give me those sad hound dog eyes. You aren't stupid, Princess Mitochondria. You had to have known this was coming.

Mito: No! You two were friends. You played checkers all the time.

Dolly: That's exactly why I discouraged his research. I knew he was getting closer to connecting my magic to the Crack Between Worlds. I did everything I could to stop him, but the fool just wouldn't listen. He could've just let bygones be bygones, but noooooooo. He just had to be the scientist to figure out the Crack. Ravenwood left me no choice.

Rob: It was you all along? You tore a rift in the multiverse when you were escaping prison.

Dolly: A little slow on the uptake as always, Rob.

Mito: Why didn't you just leave? Villainette de Eville is more than powerful enough to escape without a shiny silver lead reporter hat. You didn't have to kill anyone! You didn't have to murder Dr. Ravenwood.

Dolly: Dr. Ravenwood, Dr. Ravenwood. He's been dead for ages. Move on with your life.

Rob: Don't talk to her like that! Mito spent days trying to find people who could help beat these charges.

Dolly: Oh, I reckon you're right. The stress is getting to me. Dr. Ravenwood was on the verge of devising a way to track my magic across the multiverse. I tried destroying his research, but it barely slowed him down. I had no choice.

Judge: The defendant in monologuing. As you have confessed, the trial will now move to closing statements. If you would like to make any apologies, now is the time.

Dolly: Apologize? Apologize? I ain't a big fan of apologies. While I do regret Dr. Ravenwood's death, I'd probably do it again. Truth be told, I don't recognize half the faces who have testified about all the ways I ruined their lives. Most of them just aren't that recognizable.

Dolly: If I'm remembering the charges correctly, the sentencing will either be an eternity in prison or execution. I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but neither of those options work for me. Hmm. How about this? Since most of you are so dang miserable, I'll go ahead and put an end to your suffering. After I murder everyone here, I'll go on the run again, and y'all can keep chasing me. Sound good?

Rob: Mito stares at Dolly. I think she's struggling to comprehend how her sweet, pseudo grandmother is also a mass murderer. Dolly was more of a favorite coworker than a good friend, but I'm also struggling. I, I knew the accusations were true as soon as I heard them, but it still seems so impossible.

Dolly: Mito, dear, I do like you quite a bit. And Rob, you're just too pretty to die. Why don't you start the music, and then you two can transport back to the Crack. Don't forget, I have the same surgically implanted psychic broadcasters that you do.

Dolly: Mito fumbles with the controls on her hat.

Dolly: There it is. Go on now. Mito adjusts the settings. She seems in shock. I can't imagine why. Everyone and their mother tried telling her the truth.

Dolly: Will you look at the time? It is murder'o'clock and y'all know I'm not one to miss an appointment. Most of the people have already fled, but it looks like a few are feeling brave. Hehe. You'd think they'd know better than to try mustering a defense. I think I'll start with Gloria the Good. Pah. She ain't that gooood at anything. With the witch out of the way, the others won't stand a chance. Oh, look. Half the fighters just left. If everyone else is determined to die, it would be cruel not to oblige them. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.

Author note:

Louise: Hello! We're the voices of the Crack Between Worlds. I'm Louise Rainey.

Dane: I'm Dane Farren.

Marvin: And I'm Marvin the Mystery Man.

Louise: We appreciate every one of our listeners. Thank you for coming with us on this journey.

Dane: We'll be back for Season 2 after a brief hiatus. In the meantime, we'll be uploading short segments about the CBW Channel's search for Dolly's replacement.

Marvin: If you can't get enough of the CBW channel, you can visit crackbetweenworlds.com for additional content.

Louise: I also have a couple books published. If you like to read as much as you like to listen, check out Benevolent Keepers or the Frog Eater.

Dane: And my debut novel is coming out this summer. Visit my website, DaneFarren.com for details.

Marvin: Thanks for listening!