[EPISODE 3] Pregnant and Stabby: Scandal at Windlemere War College

Interesting Fact: Windermere War College was originally founded by the Villain Association, a secretive guild dedicated to the elevation of evil and the scheming of plots both impressive and classy.

As the VA rose to prominence in the multiverse, the quality of heroes, protagonists, and chosen ones consistently fell. To rectify this imbalance, the VA created a training school for any 16-22 year old interested in opposing them. Over time, enrollment requirements were loosened to allow the attendance of love interests, funny best friends, and academic rivals.

As Mito, Dolly, and Rob investigate a pregnancy scandal and the fire crotch epidemic, they hope for an interview with popular protagonist Indigo Glindingfail and her vicious dragon.

Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Mito: Welcome back to the CBW Channel. My name is Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and resident expert on prophesized heroes. This is my partner, Dolly, and the newest addition to our staff, Rob Skythrust.

Dolly: Second newest, dear. A wizard just fell into our little crack between worlds.

Rob: I saw that memo. His name is Randall Rammington the Light Bringer. He sounds impressive.

Mito: Viewers, please forgive our junior reporter's inexperience. Rob hasn't been with us long.

Dolly: It's the law of inverses, my leather clad lovely. The more impressive the name, the less inspiring the wizard. The strongest magic-users are always called something normal, like Tom, Harry, or Kate.

Mito: Or Dolly?

Dolly: No comment.

Mito: I'll figure out your backstory eventually.

Dolly: You can try, my dearest Mitochondria. Just between you, me, and the fencepost, I wouldn't get too attached to Randall.

Rob: You think he'll escape?

Dolly: Look at his age. He's much too old to be a main character or a love interest, and his magic is too uninspired to make him a serious threat. Randall has mentor written all over him, and we all know what happens to those people.

Rob: Oh, is that why Dr. Ravenwood died? He was Mito's mentor.

Mito: Don't you dare act like Dr. Ravenwood died as a mentor. He was a brave, distinguished scientist.

Dolly: The good doctor was a little young to be a mentor. He still had at least a decade of main character years ahead of him.

Rob: I noticed the other anchors tend to be pretty old or pretty young. Is that, I mean… is the dragon killing people?

Mito: Mr. Stanton? He's not the greatest boss, but he never fires without cause.

Dolly: A lot of the young'uns are too curious to stay away from interdimensional portals, and the older folks tend to be running from something. Like I said, mentors don't last long. They think they can avoid a grisly fate by falling into the crack between worlds, but no one can outrun the Author. Of course, the ones who aren't mentors are usually here to serve out their community service sentence. You blow up one planet, and they end up sentencing you to infomercials for the rest of your days.

Rob: Oh, that's what happened to Cathy. I thought she just had resting murder face.

Dolly: The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Mito: Can we please focus? [louder] We have a fascinating story ahead of us tonight. You may have noticed we aren't in our usual studio. Any viewer who hasn't noticed should probably adjust their psychic transmitters. I'll do my best to describe the scene for those poor sentients with undeveloped psychic abilities, but it's no match for allowing the CBW Channel to blast the visuals directly into your mind.

Rob: The castle looms above us, shrouded in smoke and mystery. We-

Mito: No. You have to earn the right to narrate.

Debbi: Rob, raise that perfectly chiseled chin. You'll narrate one day.

Mito: The castle juts out of the rolling green hills like an oak… jutting out of field. Don't snicker, Rob. You messed me up. The castle is very large and imposing. Viewers, just imagine what you like. Without your psychic transmitters tuned in, words will never do it justice anyhow.

Dolly: The distant roar of dragons echoes across the misty moor. It's a forsaken land, one positively drenched in magic and mystery. Those who keep up with the news might recognize this castle as Windlemere War College, the university famous for churning out dragon riders and war mages. Windlemere is the alma mater of many esteemed protagonists, but today we're here for a far more important reason. Babies!

Rob: I thought we were supposed to talk about the fire crotch epidemic.

Mito: Yes, viewers, we did intend to talk about the wave of sexually transmitted disease sweeping across the war college, but I don't think this is a battle I want to fight. If you could see the demented gleam in Dolly's eyes, you'd understand why.

Dolly: Babies! Ooh, I just love babies. I always wanted to be a gram-gram, but my children just won't get on it. The oldest is waiting for love. I told her, if she hasn't found love in forty years, she might want to put a pin in that. There's no harm in dating purely based on the cuteness of your potential children.

Rob: And the others?

Dolly: Oh, them? Before I fell out of my universe, they just keep saying silly things like 'the line ends with us' and 'I won't sentence my offspring to this fate.' They're a bunch of worrywarts. If they'd just looked at the itty bitty booties I kept knitting for my grandbabies, I know they'd change their minds.

Mito: I'm sure all our viewers are rooting for you. Back to our story, Rob is going undercover to figure out exactly why sexually transmitted diseases are running rampant.

Rob: I still think you should do it. Doesn't Cellaria have the best war colleges in the known multiverse?

Mito: Cellaria is too advanced for war.

Rob: Of course it is.

Dolly: Mito is too flat-chested. She'll never fit in. Have you seen these students? Every woman is a buxom beauty with just enough muscle to knock a guy out. And the men! Whoo! Stunners, every one of 'um. You'll fit right in, Rob.

Mito: As I'm sure all our viewers remember, Rob is a six-foot, blue-eyed man with windswept raven-black hair and brooding cerulean eyes. To help him fit in with the other students, we've dressed him in artistically layered leather clothing to show off his washboard abs and the dark vine tattoos twirling around his biceps.

Rob: You didn't dress me. I came like this. All my people wear tight leather pants.

Dolly: Oh my. Oh, my.

Mito: As Dolly fans herself, I want to remind our viewers that I also look amazing in skintight leather pants. As the main character on my home world, I was indisputably the most gorgeous woman in my age bracket, but in an understated, she-doesn't-know-she's-beautiful kind of way. Humility is so attractive.

Rob: By all means, walk through those gates and start flirting. I have a girlfriend back home. I think she'd be a lot happier if I stuck to interviewing elderly mages and carnivorous trees.

Dolly: Nonsense. You're wasted out here. You could cut glass on those cheekbones.

Mito: You could cut glass on my cheekbones.

Dolly: Yes, dear. You're very pretty. You look a little more ethereal than the rugged dragon rider we're going for. Next time the news takes us to the Elvish free cities, we'll strap a pair of prosthetic ears on you.

Mito: If you insist. I really don't care if people think I'm beautiful, not like other girls do.

Dolly: You're laying it on a little thick, Mito. You aren't a seventeen-year-old chosen one anymore.

Rob: As the two greatest antagonists in my life bicker, I prepare for battle. Metaphorically, at least. Unfortunately, my bow won't do me much good here. I need answers, not squirrels. Perhaps my undercover work will take me to the sparring ring. You'd be amazed by how much banter can be accomplished when you're swinging a wooden sword at your opponent's head. Honestly, I think I have more stamina when I'm exchanging sarcastic quips with an adorkable beauty.

Mito: Stars, Rob really is just a love interest. He seemed slightly more interesting than the brooding bad boys we usually get, so I had high hopes.

Rob: What?

Dolly: Get a move on, hotshot.

Rob: Fine.

Dolly: As Rob scales the drawbridge so he can sneak into Windlemere Castle without arousing suspicion, Mito and I take a moment to admire the view. I pity anyone unable to receive our psychic transmissions.

Mito: I always thought leather pants were ridiculous. Now I get it.

Dolly: His pants are so tight, I can see his religion. Mm-mmm. Rob is definitely a love interest. Authors just don't write main characters like that.

Mito: Maybe a villain? Every now and then, I see a villain pop up with an ass like that.

Dolly: Only if they're pulling double-duty in a love triangle. Authors never waste an ass that fine.

Mito: Unfortunately, the drawbridge is only so tall. Within moments, Rob climbs over the top and disappears into Windlemere Castle. With Rob out of the way- ahem. With Rob busy, Dolly and I stroll around the grounds in search of main characters.

Mito: We hear a dragon screech in the distance. We hurry towards it, only to realize it came from the stables.

Dolly: That's a powerful smell.

Mito: I'm never quite prepared for the stench of fresh dragon shit and charred sheep. Oh, wow. This seems like a perfect time to mention our sponsor. Notta Perfume.

Mito: Are you a teenage girl leading other teenagers through rebellion, war, or apocalyptic events? Are you constantly pressured to smell beautiful without appearing to try too hard? It can be difficult to remain the admirable yet relatable leader you were born to be, especially when you haven't had the luxury of bathing in over a month.

Dolly: That's why smart main characters turn to Notta Perfume, the only perfume guaranteed to cover up the scent of sweaty horse, wet dog, gun oil, and body odor. For main characters with stepsisters, we recommend the extra strength version, which can take you from stable-hand to ballroom ready in a single spritz. For our dashing heroes, check out Notta Body Spray. It's not a perfume. It comes in a black bottle.

Mito: So, Dolly, do you want to look for main characters in the stable?

Dolly: Honey, that stable stinks to high heaven, and you know that perfume ain't worth the price of the packaging. I'll tell you what, why don't we check out that chanting down the way first?

Mito: I obviously am not one to complain about a little dragon shit on my boots, but I'd hate to put out Dolly. We give the stables a large, large berth as we head over the hill. Down below, we are treated to a magnificent view.

Dolly: My goodness, that's a pretty sight.

Mito: In the field before us, dozens and dozens of scantily clad beautiful people practice hand to hand combat.

Dolly: Mito, you aren't doing it justice. Never in my life have I seen such a glorious display of muscles and leather. I didn't know all those muscles even existed. And the women! Wow! You'd think all those ample bosoms would get in the way, but they're cranking out push-ups like nobody's business.

Mito: Do you think I'm too old to have an awakening?

Dolly: What kind of awakening?

Mito: I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Dolly: We approach the field. On the sidelines, we see an instructor bellowing orders. She's a pretty young thing. Brown doe eyes. Long, curly hair. Skin that glistens just enough to glow without looking sweaty.

Mito: I have doe eyes.

Dolly: Mito, I thought you preferred it when people described your eyes as crystalline pools. Now, I know beauty standards have changed since you were a main character, but you still turn heads.

Mito: We wave to the instructor. Hello! We're with the CBW Channel. Can we have a moment of your time?

Mito: She grins and jogs over, her voluptuous chest showing off its gravity-defying capabilities. They don't build bras like this in Cellaria.

Raven: Hi! I'm Raven. We haven't had a visit from the Crack Between Worlds in ages. What story are you chasing? Most of our chosen ones just got deployed to the front lines, but we have at least a dozen sidekicks, younger siblings, and love interests waiting around for news.

Mito: We're actually here to investigate the-

Dolly: Babies! We're here to talk about the babies.

Mito: A massive rise in pregnancy has swept across Windlemere War College. It's up 54% compared to the neighboring scribe university.

Raven: Scribes aren't hot. That's not a fair comparison.

Mito: Taxpayers are furious. Funding a war college is all well and good, but childcare? That would be crazy.

Raven: It isn't all bad. We've developed a new type of saddle that can accommodate pregnancy, so our dragonriders can fight until the baby pops out.

Mito: Is it safe?

Raven: Meh.

Mito: There's also been a massive rise in fire crotch and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Raven: There is? Are you sure? Fire crotch has always been a pretty big concern around here. I mean, have you seen the student population? I don't know how anyone could expect us to keep our hands to ourselves. We have people like Xander Riderman and Bane Ethos running around without their shirts on. I'd bet my last gold piece that the levels only look so high because they're tracking the number of cases this year. Normally, we don't even see a healer for fire crotch. We just find someone who knows something about herbs.

Mito: What changed?

Raven: Indigo Glidingfail. As it turns out, most of her remedies were poison designed to thin out the competition. I respect the hustle, but now we aren't allowed to treat our own fire crotch. It makes finding a healer boyfriend far more difficult than it should be.

Mito: That sounds frustrating. Have you considered murder? It seems like the mysterious disappearance of Indigo Glindingfail would solve a few problems.

Dolly: Never mind that Indigo girl. What about the babies? Where are they? Are they cared for in the castle, or is there some kind of public nursery anyone could visit?

Mito: Dolly, please. I don't want to get arrested again.

Raven: I don't know where the babies are. Policy keeps changing. We can't keep up with all the new babies, and forget about getting an ultrasound. The one dragon that can bellow ultrasonic waves is refusing to participate in any more gender reveals.

Mito: There's nothing new at Windlemere War College that might've impacted the pregnancy rate? Change in diet? Fertility curse? Nothing?

Raven: Nothing. It's not like we're all uneducated, either. Everyone is really responsible about taking their moon tea.

Mito: Moon tea? I don't think I've heard of that.

Raven: It's the latest, greatest contraceptive on the market. You just have to drink a cup after you do the deed and there'll be nothing to worry about.

Mito: So you don't have to drink it at the same time every day?

Raven: Definitely not. Moon tea is fantastic. It even tastes good. Sorta minty.

Mito: The side effects must be pretty gnarly though.

Raven: We're dragon riders. We don't have time for that. That's why we all love moon tea. No weight gain, no moodiness, no acne. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better contraceptive. The guys like it too.

Mito: Guys?

Dolly: The muscley hotties behind us drink moon tea as well?

Raven: Definitely. They don't want to risk pregnancy any more than we do. Who wants to go from sword fighting on dragon back to changing diapers? Moon tea is 100% effective as long as one of the people involved is drinking it, but there's no harm in being extra sure, right?

Mito: And this moon tea was introduced to you by a trusted healer?

Raven: No, the chief healer just starts ranting about fire crotch every time someone walks into her office. A traveling apothecary sold it to us. We were actually really lucky. He lost his credentials when he was traveling between cities, so he gave us a hefty discount. Apparently, his last patron kicked him out for being too good at his job? Can you believe it? I'm sure that loser is feeling really stupid now.

Mito: I just want to make sure I have all the facts straight. A mysterious stranger sold you a contraceptive with no side effects and no dosing requirements. It can be used on any gender, and it's 100% accurate at preventing pregnancy.

Raven: Great, huh?

Dolly: Oh, bless your heart.

Mito: And you don't think the sudden baby boom is connected at all? How did this alleged apothecary prove the moon tea worked?

Mito: Did he prove it worked?

Raven: Excuse me. I need to take a test.

Mito: Sometimes I miss being a teenage chosen one, and then I remember how stupid I was.

Dolly: Never mind that. Where do you think I can get my hands on some of that moon tea?

Mito: Dolly!

Dolly: I'm not getting any younger. I want grandbabies!

Mito: Let's just track down Rob and see what he's learned.

Dolly: Well, bless Rob's heart too. He must've blended in so well, they threw him on a dragon.

Fern: -And we are watching live from Windlemere War College- What are you two doing here?

Dolly: What are y'all doing here? This is our story. We booked Windlemere weeks ago.

Mito: Viewers, what you are witnessing is the sudden invasion of our air time by the Epic Battle Announcers. Before me stands Fern, a former chosen one lucky enough to defeat her evil wizard mere days before she fell through the crack between worlds and ended up at the news station. She thinks she's some kind of grizzled war veteran, but as anyone with their psychic receptors tuned into our broadcast can see, she's just a perky teenager.

Fern: I am not perky! Look at my eyeliner. I am tough.

Kragen: Ignore her. We have a job to do.

Mito: Viewers, Fern never fights her own battles. She has Kragen Hunt for that. He might look intimidating in his leather overcoat and dark sunglasses, but he's just an overgrown guard dog.

Dolly: Kragen lowers his sunglasses and gives Mito a look. She dives behind me.

Mito: Dolly, stop them!

Dolly: As the lead reporter, Mito ought to be the one dealing with interdepartmental conflict. Dr. Ravenwood, our previous lead reporter, never let the Epic Battle Announcers kick him off a story.

Mito: [Incoherent sound of pain]

Fern: I heard about Dr. Ravenwood. It's just so tragic.

Kragen: This is our story. Stay if you want, but we will report it.

Mito: Glaring at stupid Kragen Hunt and perky Fern, I stomp over to a hill where I can watch the fight progress.

Dolly: As always, the Epic Battle Announcers have impeccable timing. I barely have time to sit before the dragons arrive.

Dolly: Dozens of massive wings flap above us, making Mito's hair look more like a rat's nest than the perfect curls she spends so much time on. High, high above us, Rob frantically tries to regain his seat. Dangling from the stirrups by a single foot, he flops around like a dying catfish. Dragons flood into the sky. With their wings blotting out the sun, the training field takes on an eerie green tint.

Fern: Sorry, Dolly. We need you to leave too. Your viewers are welcome to watch us until your timeslot ends, but we really can't have you narrating. Too many voices confuse the psychic transmitters, you know?

Dolly: Well, I suppose I know where I'm not wanted.

Fern: Wearing red and gold saddles, the Windlemere dragons take to the sky! Indigo Glindingfail moves to the front of the pack, while her love interest drifts downward to protect her blindspot. Weighing in at 3000 pounds, what Indigo's dragon lacks in size, it makes up for in ferocity.

Kragen: Three unknown enemy dragons converge on Indigo and – Oh! That's a tough break for Indigo.

Fern: As Indigo plummets toward the ground, her dragon dives after her.

Kragen: Talons extended, the dragon pushes through the pain. Will he make it?

Fern: Yes! The dragon catches her by the leg and flips her into the air. Indigo sticks the landing and surges into battle. What are the odds she falls out of the saddle again?

Kragen: Overwhelming. As we've seen in past fights, Indigo averages two drops per ride. We've yet to see a fight where she didn't fly out of the saddle, but her trainers look optimistic.

Fern: It's never too late to pick up a new trick. As the dragons redouble their efforts to kill Indigo, they- wait. What's this?

Kragen: Viewers, it appears an unknown dragon is wandering through the battlefield. As dragons try to rip one another's throats out, this one seems more concerned with bucking off its rider.

Fern: I think that's- no! It can't be! Viewers, Rob Skythrust is currently hanging on to the reins with a single hand as his dragon does barrel rolls through the battlefield. This does not look good for Rob.

Kragen: Rob is that new reporter, isn't he? Was he a dragon rider before he fell into the Crack Between Worlds?

Fern: No. He's cute though. Ooh! As Indigo goes in for the kill, Rob finally loses his grip. Flung from his dragon, he slams into the enemy rider. Yikes! Look at that tantrum! Furious that he ruined her kill, Indigo shoves Rob off the new dragon, where he falls onto yet another dragon. In an amazing turn of events, Rob Skythrust has now amassed more kills than any of the Windlemere crew.

Kragen: But can he keep it up? Our analysts say…