[Episode 17] Love Is Timeless

Interesting fact: Love is Timeless is the longest running show on the CBW Channel. This gameshow features a bachelor and three time-displaced singles. If chosen, they will be allowed to live in the decade of their date.

This gameshow was ultimately halted by the Galactic Police Force, when allegations of kidnapping arose. Allegedly, many of the contestants did not wish to leave their time, as they found their previous lives more fulfilling. The most egregious of these cases occurred when Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine won the show and found herself confined to the life of a barista. She then went on to raise an army, which took on the name Galactic Police Force.

After Mito, Dolly, and Rob Skythrust's failure to interview the legendary Gnomish king Ganock Ganock, they find themselves hosting Love Is Timeless. All hate mail should be forwarded to Marketing. The CBW Channel is uncertain of their exact duties, so they might as well sort through threats, insults, and marriage proposals.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Mito: Welcome back to Love is Timeless. I'm your host, Mito'ca'hondria.

Rob: I'm Rob Skythrust.

Dolly: And I'm Dolly.

Mito: You might recognize us as the CBW channel's most daring reporters. Tonight we're covering Love is Timeless so the usual hosts can take a rare night off.

Rob: Mito means we're being punished.

Mito: Well, yeah.

Dolly: If you want to see us back on our regular show, please leave nasty comments about the fools who took our time slot.

Rob: Please don't. The premise of this show-

Mito: No. I have let you lead so many interviews. I'm hosting this show. You're just here to be my sexy assistant.

Dolly: Then what am I?

Mito: My even sexier assistant.

Dolly: Oh, my. I always knew I liked you.

Mito: As regular viewers know, the premise of the show is simple. Three lonely hearts are plucked from various time periods. Each are allowed to live a week in a high-class hotel in the same decade as our bachelor. If chosen, the lucky hopeful will be allowed to remain in his time period. Why do we go to all this effort?

Mito: I hold my hands out to the audience, prompting them to do the chant. They stare at me with blank faces.

Rob: I don't think we're supposed to narrate our every action on this show.

Mito: I don't need your criticism, Rob. Since the audience isn't chanting we have only one option. Ahem. Why do we go to all this effort?

Dolly, Rob, & Mito: Love! Is! Blind!

Mito: Let's meet our bachelor, Tarzan!

Mito: Tarzan is currently strutting onto the stage. He bows to the audience and throws a flirtatious wink at yours truly before taking his seat in the big red armchair.

Dolly: Hello, Tarzan. Ooh. I met a Tarzan once. Nice fella. Good with elephants. He was a human too.

Tarzan: Hi, Dolly.

Dolly: Are you any good with elephants?

Tarzan: I don't think so?

Dolly: Shame. You're a looker, Tarzan. Nice broad shoulders and a meaty jaw. Your hair is a little whooshy for my tastes, but there's a goose for every gander.

Tarzan: Was that a question?

Dolly: Tarzan is a 32-year-old personal trainer living in the year 2020. Are you excited for the show, Tarzan? I can tell you dressed for the occasion. Your pants are so tight, I can see your religion.

Tarzan: Is she going to be like this the whole show? Can I switch assistants?

Mito: No. Mr. Stanton was very clear. He wants Dolly to talk to the bachelor and Rob to talk to the lonely hearts. He said it would be good for the ratings.

Dolly: Don't worry. I'll take good care of you, sugar. You just need to loosen up. What kind of person are you hoping to meet tonight?

Tarzan: A woman. Preferably human or humanoid.

Dolly: A little specist, are we?

Tarzan: What? No! Half my friends have tentacles.

Dolly: Now, Tarzan, all of these women came from your home planet, Earth-3, so I don't think you have anything to worry about. To make the show a little more interesting, we picked three women who lived before the invention of space travel.

Tarzan: Great. Um, I'm a great guy, so I guess hoping to meet someone who can match my freak, you know? Beautiful, obviously, and extra hot. I mean, I'm like a Carolina Reaper, and so she should be at least a habanero. I'm hoping for someone who likes to bake me cookies and cheer me on at the gym.

Dolly: It says here you're a personal trainer?

Tarzan: Yeah, but my dream is to end up on Cosmic Ninja, that show where contestants race to finish an obstacle course. It takes a crazy amount of strength and agility to compete. I've been training for years, as I'm sure you can tell.

Dolly: Wow. Don't you get better with every word out of your mouth? For viewers watching without psychic receptors, they should know they're missing out on a treat. Tarzan is now flexing his muscles for the audience. He appears to be working through all twelve of the poses featured in the Earth-3 2020 Bodybuilder's Calendar. It was a particularly good year, second only to the 2043 Fireman Calendar. Earth-3 tends to print a lot of spectacular calendars. If the other dimensions relaxed their laws on public nudity, I have no doubt they could catch up.

Dolly: Tarzan has now whipped off his shirt, showing off his abs. Before I met Rob Skythrust, I would've said they're the best I've ever seen. Rob, take off your shirt and teach the audience the definition of washboard abs.

Rob: No, Dolly.

Dolly: I reckon the moment has passed anyhow. Tarzan is now independently flexing his pectoral muscles. Wow. That is something. Can you do that, Rob?

Rob: Mito, do you think the ratings are high enough, yet? Tarzan is fumbling with the button on his pants. As every second goes by, he comes closer to reenacting the 2043 Fireman Calendar. I already have to see it every time I walk into the break room. I don't need to see Mr. February in person.

Mito: Let's meet our contestants. Dolly! Control your bachelor. We are not rated for a strip show. We are moving on from Tarzan. Rob, bring out our contestants.

Mito: As the audience applauds… ahem. As the audience applauds…

Mito: I'll take what I can get. Please welcome Elizabeth, Sappho, and Lucrezia!

Rob: We have a problem.

Mito: We're live. We don't have time for problems.

Rob: Queen Elizabeth the First doesn't want to be on the show.

Mito: So?

Rob: She says she isn't looking for a husband, and she'd rather marry the hot water anyway.

Mito: Why is this the first I'm hearing about it?

Rob: I don't know, Mito. I just found out too.

Mito: Can't somebody go get her?

Rob: Probably not. Elizabeth is really into indoor plumbing. She hasn't left the shower in hours. I know we're the kind of news network that kidnaps historical figures, but I draw the line at dragging naked monarchs out of the shower.

Mito: Coward. What are we going to do? We need three contestants.

Rob: Well, according to the questionnaire, there is a third person on this stage that fits Tarzan's type.

Mito: Really? Who? No.

Rob: Yes.

Dolly: It doesn't sound like there's much of a choice, dear. The show must go on.

Mito: You aren't even a part of this conversation. Go manage the bachelor.

Dolly: I don't think I need to remind you about what's on the line here, Mito. We need to get high ratings on Love is Timeless. If you become a contestant, someone has to host. I'm the clear choice, what with my seniority and all.

Mito: Oh, shit. Could this day get any worse? Ummm. Fine. I'll do it, but Rob is hosting.

Rob: Yes!

Dolly: Oh, Mito. Why don't you just stab me in the back while you're at it?

Mito: Dolly, if I let you host it'll turn into a strip show. Don't try to guilt me into changing my mind. The only one I trust less than Rob is you.

Dolly: Well I never.

Mito: Slowly, like I'm trudging to my own funeral, I slide onto the chair of Contestant Number Three.

Rob: Uh, Mito? You're not hosting right now.

Mito: I regret all my decisions.

Rob: Let's meet our contestants! First up, we have Lucrezia Borgia, a 24-year-old Italian noblewoman from the Renaissance. Although the top of her head barely reaches my shoulders, the cool intelligence in her deep brown eyes gives her the commanding presence of a seasoned general. Lucrezia is infamous for both her beauty and her alleged use of poison. Lucrezia, how are you doing today?

Lucrezia: I'm still a little confused by game shows, but I'm sure the CBW Channel couldn't pick out a worse husband than my last one.

Rob: I love the optimism. Our next contestant in Sappho, a 28-year-old Greek poet born in the year 630 BC on the island of Lesbos. Our tallest contestant is built like an athlete, if athletes spent their time pranking their kidnappers and seducing anyone with a pulse. Sappho is famous for her romantic poems, which were often accompanied by a lyre.

Mito: I've heard of you! You're like the first rock star born on Earth-3!

Sappho: I can't say I've heard of you, but I wish I had. Your eyes shine with a radiance unmatched by diamonds and stars alike.

Mito: Thanks. You too.

Rob: Sappho, are you excited to meet Tarzan?

Sappho: I relish nothing so much as the chance to travel. The landscape, the food, the people. It's all so lovely.

Rob: Okay. I'm going to pretend you weren't maintaining direct eye contact with Mito. Our last contestant is Mito. She would murder me if I called her anything but gorgeous, and she definitely knows how to hide a body. Mito's age is redacted, because I'd like to live a little longer. If she causes issues for me on stage, I might reevaluate that preference. Mito is a reporter and former princess from another universe.

Mito: Technically, I outrank all our visitors.

Lucrezia: My father is the Pope. Even kings bow to the Pope.

Rob: Great. Everyone is introduced. Back to you, Dolly.

Dolly: I stand with Tarzan who appears more excited than ever. Tarzan, what are your first impressions of the contestants?

Tarzan: Well, the Lou-cretin- Lou-crepe? Whatever. That Italian shortie is straight out, obviously.

Dolly: Obviously? Are you worried about her reputation as a poisoner? Most historians agree that it was grossly exaggerated.

Tarzan: Just look at her. She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Her forehead is massive, she's wearing too much jewelry, and she's chubby. I want to date someone who takes care of themselves.

Rob: I think you look beautiful, Lucrezia.

Lucrezia: Thank you. I've often been told my beauty is beyond compare. Everyone in Italy wants to look like me. I believe the term used in this century is 'fashion icon.'

Rob: I believe it. Even on my world, you would be a stunner. You look like an old girlfriend of mine.

Lucrezia: You look like an old husband of mine, or perhaps a new one.

Dolly: Ahem. I don't need so much chatter from the peanut gallery. Tarzan, what do you think of Sappho?

Tarzan: She seems cool. I like her vibe. It's definitely a close contest. That Mito has a great rack.

Dolly: It's an optical illusion.

Mito: This is why Rob is hosting.

Dolly: It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts on our contestants. Let's not push anyone out of the running just yet. Remember, you and the woman of your choice will go on an all expenses paid weekend getaway to Dracula's Resort and Spa.

Rob: Dracula's Resort and Spa- oh, shit. Mito, I don't know the spiel.

Mito: The notes are on the podium. No, not under it. On top. Right there. Right there, Rob. You're looking right at them. Ugh. I'll do it.

Mito: Dracula's Resort and Spa. Are you in desperate need of relaxation? Book a room at our lovingly restored castle with views so stunning, you won't care that your door doesn't lock. Take a dip in the mineral springs, check out a couple's coffin craftsmanship class, and let a professional slather you in artisanal mud straight from the Dead Sea. Go for a romantic stroll across the misty moor or free climb the gothic spires. You deserve it!

Dolly: Some restrictions apply. Garlic, garlic-adjacent vegetables, and wooden stakes of all sizes are strictly prohibited on the property. Visitors with AB negative or AB positive blood types may qualify for special reduced pricing. Book a weekend now, and you'll receive a complimentary cocktail in our Van Helsing lounge. Dracula's Resort and Spa, where relaxation meets undead luxury.

Rob: Do you ever wonder if the CBW Channel is too pro-vampire?

Mito: Shut up, Rob. Do you want HR to make us go through sensitivity training again? If I end up stuck in another group session, I'm going to end up in the seminar on workplace violence.

Rob: Longtime viewers know that sound. It's time for a compatibility check. Before our show began, we asked everyone a handful of questions. Let's look at some of those answers.

Dolly: Tarzan, what is your idea of a perfect day?

Tarzan: I'm a simple man. I'd like to sleep in until noon, hang out with the squad, go for a quick three-hour workout, and then turn in for the night with a super sexy girl.

Mito: I don't like the way Tarzan winked at me.

Rob: That sounds really relaxing, Tarzan. Mito, same question.

Mito: On a perfect day, I would wake up two minutes before my alarm and eat Dolly's peach cobbler for breakfast. Then I would set the news station on fire.

Sappho: I'll help you. I have a feeling any day would be a perfect one with you by my side.

Rob: Viewers don't worry. Setting the news station on fire is, uh, slang. Mito meant she wanted to, um, read a good book. Lucrezia, what's your idea of a perfect day?

Lucrezia: I'd like to live one singular day without whispers of incest and witchcraft plaguing my every step.

Rob: Um… okay.

Lucrezia: The rumors are entirely unfounded. My second husband was a beast. After my father, the pope, announced the annulment, he decided to take revenge by accusing me of sleeping with my brother.

Rob: I can see how that would be disturbing.

Lucrezia: I don't mind the poisoner rumors so much. It's nice to be thought of as dangerous. Do you like danger, Rob?

Rob: Ummm… Dolly, back to you.

Dolly: Tarzan, what do you find sexiest in a date?

Tarzan: Sundresses. I love sundresses.

Rob: Interesting. Interesting. Sappho, what do you find sexiest in a date?

Sappho: Rob, I could no sooner describe the fragrance of the moon. How can I compare the beauty of a slim figure bathed in sunlight to a striking silhouette wreathed in stars? How can I fathom a decision between rosy cheeks reddened with exertion or pink lips curled into a smile?

Rob: You make a good point. What kind of person do you find sexiest?

Sappho: I believe a keen eye can find beauty in everyone.

Rob: I understand that, but what are you hoping to see in their pants?

Sappho: Excitement.

Rob: Mito, what makes a date sexy?

Mito: I've never really thought about it. I was pretty young when I fell into the crack between worlds, and the Crack isn't a good environment for dating. Just look at Kragen Hunt from the Epic Battle Announcers team. He's slept with every woman in his age bracket, and it's every bit as awkward as you think. When you have every employee of the CBW channel sleeping in the same building, there's nowhere to go when a relationship falls apart.

Dolly: If he slept with everyone, dear…

Mito: Not me! I don't date story-stealing ogres!

Rob: That's two non-answers. Lucrezia, please tell me you've thought about the characteristics that make a date sexy.

Lucrezia: I'm most attracted to people with whom I don't share a family name.

Rob: Anything else?

Lucrezia: Artists.

Rob: Fair.

Lucrezia: Game show hosts.

Rob: Great.

Rob: That ends our compatibility check. We had ten questions. Our contestants almost answered two. Dolly?

Dolly: Tarzan, now that you've gotten to know Mito, Sappho, and Lucrezia, tell us what you think.

Tarzan: Sappho seems fun. She's definitely pretty, but I get the feeling she's here for a good time, not a long time. You feel me?

Dolly: What about Mito?

Tarzan: She's cool. Mito is probably the prettiest.

Mito: That's accurate.

Dolly: It's a main character thing. Main characters are always the prettiest people in the room, so long as a love interest isn't present. Are you leaning towards Mito?

Tarzan: Probably not. She seems a little bossy.

Rob: A little?

Dolly: And what about the final contestant, Lucrezia?

Tarzan: Nope.

Dolly: Nope?

Tarzan: I can do better. I know my worth. Lou-whatever is too prim and proper. She'd probably yell at me if I wore gym shorts to our date. I'm not interested in dating a high-maintenance girl.

Dolly: Lucrezia has had several husbands, none of which she chose herself. Her standards are probably in hell's basement.

Tarzan: I need a girl who gets me.

Rob: Tarzan, have you made your decision?

Tarzan: I think I have.

Rob: You may now take this golden rose.

Rob: I hand the gilded rose to Tarzan. It's not actually gold. I accidentally broke the real golden rose this morning, but Dolly made a new one out of an old soup can and Mito spray painted it gold. The edges are still sharp. I could be poetic and say the sharpness is supposed to mimic the cutting edge of love, but I'm not real good with metaphors. The golden rose is sharp because it was made out of an old soup can.

Dolly: You're taking the romance out of this moment, sugar.

Rob: Tarzan, when you're ready, hand the rose to your future date. Remember, this is the woman you will take to Dracula's Resort and Spa for a weekend getaway. If it goes well, she will live the rest of her life in your time period.

Dolly: Tarzan approaches the red chairs where the contestants sit together. He holds it out like a gift from the heavens.

Tarzan: Sappho, will you run away with me to Dracula's Resort and Spa?

Sappho: I fear my heart belongs to another.

Tarzan: It doesn't have to be serious. We can keep it low-key.

Sappho: If only. Alas, there is only one key that can unlock my heart.

Tarzan: I mean, we could just have sex.

Sappho: I'm running out of polite ways to decline.

Tarzan: Fine, then. Mito-

Mito: Not interested.

Tarzan: It's your game show!

Mito: It's the network's game show. Mr. Stanton won't care about a twist ending so long as the ratings are high. I've been to Dracula's Resort and Spa. It's nice, but I refuse to visit that castle with someone who can outrun me.

Tarzan: Lou-cretin?

Lucrezia: My name is Lucrezia, and I, too, have standards. Perhaps I am willing to marry any man my father suggests, but I am far more discerning with my lovers. I suggest taking your right hand. I'm sure you're well-acquainted.

Tarzan: She can't do this! Rob, tell her she can't refuse. It's a game show. I have to pick somebody. I want my weekend getaway!

Rob: Well… there is one woman that hasn't refused you.

Dolly: Heh. A rooster one day and a feather duster the next. I give Tarzan a little wave. He deflates like a punctured tire. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.