Sponsors

Dracula's Resort and Spa

Are you in desperate need of relaxation? Take a dip in the mineral springs, snooze in a hand-chiseled mausoleum, and let a professional slather you in artisanal mud straight from the Dead Sea. Book a couple's coffin craftsmanship class. Stroll across the misty moor or free climb the gothic spires. You deserve it!

Some restrictions apply. Not intended for those who possess a pulse or identify as 'living.' Book a weekend now, and you'll receive a complimentary cocktail in our Van Helsing lounge. Dracula's Resort and Spa, where relaxation meets undead luxury.

Peepers Peanuts

Are you struggling to lose that last five pounds? Try Peepers Peanuts, the only snack that judges you while you eat.

With their patented, eyeball transplant technology, Peepers Peanuts can give you The Look the moment you open the pantry. They come in a range of delicious flavors like Spicy Stink Eye, Leering Cinnamon Swirl, and Evil Eye and Vinegar.

If you can't stick to a diet, try Peepers Peanuts. Not suitable for people without a sense of shame. Ask your therapist if Peepers Peanuts is right for you.

Notta Perfume

Are you a teenage girl leading other teenagers through rebellion, war, or apocalyptic events? Are you constantly pressured to smell beautiful without appearing to try too hard? It can be difficult to remain the admirable yet relatable leader you were born to be, especially when you haven't had the luxury of bathing in over a month.

That's why smart main characters turn to Notta Perfume, the only perfume guaranteed to cover up the scent of sweaty horse, wet dog, gun oil, and body odor. For main characters with stepsisters, we recommend the extra strength version, which can take you from stable-hand to ballroom ready in a single spritz. For our dashing heroes, check out Notta Body Spray. It's not a perfume. It comes in a black bottle.

Llama Cigarettes

Are you tired of people not taking you seriously? Do people refuse to accept you've matured? Are you typecast everywhere you go? People everywhere struggle to be accepted as adults. Many become the figurehead of rebellions when they're only teenagers. Some are whisked away to magical academies before they've hit puberty. Others are the younger sibling of a famous hero, and thus become immortalized as a squeaky-clean little kid.

Try smoking Llama Cigarettes. They are guaranteed to make you age 20% faster than is biologically healthy. Llama Cigarettes are the perfect signal to tell the world 'Don't boss me around. I'm an adult.' Just remember to try them before you smoke in public. If you light the wrong end, people will laugh.

Remember, mature people smoke llamas.

Life Alarm

Are you frail, bedridden, or so old you could break a hip by sneezing wrong? Are you struggling to keep your independence in a world that insists your glory days are over? You need life alarm. Life alarm is an easy, reliable way to plan for your future. No one wants to spend days stuck on the floor because their grandkids never visit. With life alarm, you don't have to. If you fall and you can't get up, simply press the button and a vampire will rush to your house.

There's no need to spend days ruminating on your lost youth as you slowly die on the kitchen floor. Our contracted vampires are happy to hasten your death. With life alarm, the power is in your hands. Senior citizens decide how they die, when they die, and even who does it. Do you have thousands of bodice rippers and spicy paranormal romances hidden in your closet? Take one last ride with a sexy vampire.

Have you spent years spewing insults at one particular ethnic group? Do your friends and family hide their faces when you say racist things to the waitress? You can request a vampire of a specific race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. As you take your last breaths, you can rest easy after one final 'I told you so.' You always knew those sort of people were violent.

Do you hate you daughter's ex-husband, Frank? Frame him for murder with Life Alarm. Doctors, nurses, and daughter-in-laws like to make all the decisions about your golden years. Take the power back with life alarm. Life alarm is not suitable for indecisive people or those who live with family. Once summoned to your house, the vampire will not rest until all blood on the property is drunk. Ask your mortician if Life Alarm is right for you.