[Episode 20] Valentine’s Day Special: Cupid Declares War on Love

Interesting Fact: Marriage counseling is illegal in 37 universes. After the Czar of the Interdimensional Travel Bureau caught her son-in-law in bed with a Neo-Noctorian, she began Mothers Against Awful Marriages. MAAM became one of the most successful legislative campaigns in multiversal history.

MAAM pushed through several important laws, but are most known for their stance on marriage counseling. In a post-MAAM world, marriage counseling is seen as a war crime, and all marriage therapists are charged accordingly. MAAM's official slogan declares "It's doomed. Just divorce each other and get a pet to fill the void."

Fresh from yet another temporal storm, Mito, Dolly, and Rob arrive to record the Valentine's Day Special. Cupid has a message, and he isn't playing around.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Rob: Get down!

Mito: Don't push me. On Cellaria-

Dolly: Not the time, dear. Rob, sugar, hand me that grenade.

Dolly: Heavens to Betsy, they don't make them like that on my homeworld. [low whistle] I love the smell of spark powder in the moonlight.

Rob: Any time, Mito.

Mito: I'm working on it. I just need a moment.

Rob: Are those cannons? Why do they have cannons?

Mito: Ugh. Plasma cannons are the worst. I think I've almost got it. Yes!

Doll: Aww. I was just about to try out this gun I found. I don't know what it does, but I want to find out.

Rob: That was, uh, something. Do the Epic Battle Announcers do that all the time? I think I owe Fern an apology.

Mito: Don't you dare. I can't wait to sit down. I feel like we've been running for hours. If we aren't being chased by zombified werewolves, then we're caught in the crossfire of a vampiric insurrection.

Rob: Flipping vampires.

Mito: Flipping vampires.

Dolly: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we're on camera.

Mito: Rob! How dare you complain about those blood-sucking sweethearts. Do you want another HR seminar?

Rob: We can't be on camera. Thirty seconds ago, we were stranded in the middle of a war zone.

Mito: I hate to say it out loud, where I may or may not be recorded, but Rob is right. We're off duty.

Dolly: Mr. Stanton is staring at us with his beady little eyes. Just look at him swishing his fuschia tail.

Mito: Hi Mr. Stanton. We were hit by another temporal storm. The planet we were stranded on wasn't very fond of reporters. We're going to go hit up medical. No need to snort smoke in my face. I'll make sure to have all the paperwork filed by the end of the day. Do you know if we missed Bruce's weekly fish fry?

Dolly: Bruce from accounting? The catfish? I don't know where he'd getting all the fillets, but they are good eating. He's real generous with the portions, especially if you bring a peach cobbler around every now and again.

Rob: I mean, I don't know that they're not interns, but he doesn't seem like the type to eat a colleague. Betty is the one we have to watch.

Mito: What? Mr. Stanton, we just returned. I haven't finished the briefing. The sparkly navigation shoes are stumbling around a different universe. The top hat needs to be recharged.

Rob: I wince as Mito is handed a fresh shiny, silver lead reporter hat. Oh, no. I'm already narrating.

Mito: No, sir. We understand how important the Valentine's Day special is, but we're time-traveling reporters. Can't we record another day?

Dolly: Alright, alright. There's no need to get snippy. I guess we're going out again.

Mito: I wave my hand in the general direction of the ceiling. One of my fingers happens to linger in Mr. Stanton's direction as we prepare to be transported across the universe. Again.

Rob: You have got to stop flipping off the dragon.

Mito: I don't know what you're talking about.

Dolly: I look around the bright, beautiful countryside. An awful feeling niggles at my brain. Anyplace this cheerful must be hiding an awful secret. Mito, dear, be gentle when you break the news.

Mito: If it's the Valentine's day special I planned, it really shouldn't be too bad. We're interviewing Cupid.

Dolly: What's the catch?

Mito: I don't know. Fern from the Epic Battle Announcers suggested this story. I can't tell if this is another transparent attempt to buy my friendship, or if she's trying to get back at me for borrowing her mascara. [clears throat] Not that I would ever wear makeup. It was purely for scientific reasons.

Rob: We'd better do the thing.

Mito: Welcome back to the CBW Channel. My name is Mito'ca'hondria, lead reporter and Powerhoose of Cellaria.

Dolly: And I'm Dolly. Make sure you have your psychic receptors tuned in. Rob ripped his shirt while we were running for our lives, and you do not want to miss the stunning view. For those poor sentients without psychic abilities, I am happy to describe the visuals in extensive detail.

Rob: Hey. I'm Rob Skythrust. [completely deadpan] Through the rip in my shirt, viewers can see my defined abs. They're spectacular. Imagine an ice cube tray. There. Now you know, and we can all move on.

Dolly: Aww. You're ruining my fun.

Mito: Anyway, we have a great story for our viewers. Probably. Stay tuned to find out.

Rob: How are we going to find this Cupid guy?

Mito: There's a shiny pink castle over on that hill.

Dolly: We don't know it belongs to Cupid. I say we start walking north.

Mito: All the clouds over the castle are shaped like hearts. I think that's a good place to start. I start walking toward the castle. Reluctantly, my companions follow.

Dolly: Oh, fine. I don't know how interesting Cupid is going to be. Love is a wonderful thing, but cherubs are just annoying. They look just look grandbabies, but they're just immortals cosplaying as babies.

Rob: Cosplaying?

Mito: Like playing dress-up, but way cooler. Sometimes there are conventions. People like to dress up like me. I'm iconic.

Dolly: People dress up as you too, Rob, but it's usually for costume night at the strip club.

Rob: We should do costumes one episode. I'll be you, Dolly.

Mito: I wanted to be Dolly. That pink tracksuit looks comfortable.

Dolly: No need to fight. Everyone can be Dolly. If I weren't already Dolly, I'd want to dress up as me, too.

Mito: After reaching the top of the hill, we stroll around the castle. It's very… pink. The door is covered in little heart-shaped butterflies that scatter when I reach for the doorbell.

Rob: As we wait for someone to let us in, I notice the door is cracked open. Because I'm a polite person, I leave it alone.

Dolly: Oh, hush your mouth. I'm not getting any younger. If Mr. Cupid didn't want us coming in, he should've locked the door.

Mito: The interior of the castle is just as pink and sparkly as the outside. Everything seems to be a shade of pink.

Dolly: I wonder what the dungeon looks like. Pink toilet shackles are hard to come by.

Rob: Why would Cupid have a dungeon?

Mito: Always assume a castle has a dungeon. If you don't see any evidence of its existence, you're probably standing on a trapdoor that will drop you straight into the oubliette.

Rob: I don't think Cupid has an oubliette.

Dolly: Shows what you know. They're all the rage.

Mito: As Rob attempts to defend his feeble position, we follow the music. For copyright reasons, our censors will likely remove it from the broadcast. You know that popular song that's all over the radio, internet, cyber wave, or psionic transmission platform? The one sung by a man who had his heart ripped out and torn into little pieces? He's playing that one.

Rob: As we enter a sitting room of some sort, we find a man surrounded by empty bottles of cherry cordial. Even under the grime and grease of a week without bathing, he is easily as handsome as any love interest. He is definitely not a cherub like Dolly was worried about. He's a man with very defined shoulders. Wow. I've never seen someone with better shoulders than me. I wonder if he'll talk about his fitness routine.

Dolly: Hello, sugar. We're from the CBW team. Are you Mr. Cupid?

Cupid: Just Cupid. Mr. Cupid is my father.

Mito: I thought your father was Mars, the Roman god of war?

Cupid: He has a weird relationship with my mom, Venus. I don't question it anymore.

Dolly: That's probably wise. Is this a bad time?

Cupid: No! No, don't go. I offered this interview to the CBW Channel for a reason. It has the widest audience of any multiversal broadcaster. [darkly] I want her to know.

Rob: Fine. I admit, he probably has a dungeon.

Dolly: A love dungeon.

Cupid: That's in the past. Now I have a real dungeon filled with the skulls of my enemies.

Dolly: I was a little confused when you said his father was the god of war. Now it makes sense.

Cupid: Actually revenge is more of my mom's thing. I should probably start at the beginning.

Mito: Please do.

Cupid: Psyche was the most beautiful woman to ever walk this land.

Mito: I beg to differ.

Cupid: Do you want to end up on my list? My mom knew she was a horrible, backstabbing harpy and convinced her kingdom to execute her.

Mito: I thought the goddess of love and beauty hated Psyche for being as gorgeous as she was and blackmailed the king into sacrificing her to a monster?

Cupid: My list is right there. As soon as I find a pen, I am adding you to it. You will rue this day, Mito'ca'hondria.

Dolly: Don't mind our dear Mito. She's just a little excitable. You were telling us about the harpy?

Cupid: Fool that I am, I rescued her. I married her and took her home with me. There was no better husband. I only had one demand. Don't look at me.

Dolly: Ooh. Kinky.

Cupid: After a year of marriage, the harpy decided to violate the foundational rule of our relationship.

Dolly: For an entire year, she had no idea what her husband looked like?

Cupid: I know. She gave up so easily. No moral character. I should've listened to my mom. Obviously, I was outraged at her daring to see my face. I flew away and told her we were over. She knew I was the best thing that ever happened to her and begged me for a second chance. My mom gave her four tasks to prove her devotion.

Dolly: I'm confused. Why is your mom handing out tasks?

Mito: Cupid is a total mama's boy. Oh, put away that death glare, Cupid. What are you going to do? Put me on your list a second time? Tell our viewers about the impossible tasks Psyche performed.

Cupid: Who cares if she braved the Underworld and collected wool from golden, carnivorous sheep. It was all a lie! She cheated on me.

Dolly: No! Your own wife?

Cupid: I gave Psyche the best thousand years of my life, and she left me for a shepherd. She left this fantastic castle for sheep. They aren't even cool, carnivorous sheep. [sob] My soon to be ex-wife is shacking up with Little Bo Peep.

Mito: In retrospect, I may have been a little unkind with my interjections. I can see you're going through a tough time.

Rob: Cupid, you have to put the cherry cordial down. It's not going to make anything better.

Cupid: You're right. There is only one thing that can fix that. Love is dead! She killed our love.

Dolly: Cupid snatches his bow and arrows from the wall and marches out of the castle. Curious, we follow him.

Mito: This reminds me of our sponsor.

Rob: Does it?

Mito: No, but I'm tired and out of flips to give.

Mito: Are you tired, sweaty, and in desperate need of a bath? Try Notta Perfume.

Dolly: This again?

Rob: It's Valentine's Day. Do you know how many bad boyfriends are stopping by the apothecary for a last-minute gift?

Mito: Huh. I didn't realize that was a universal thing. Obviously, I've never been the recipient of a cheap teddy bear and a locket that made my skin turn green, but I've heard stories.

Dolly: Doesn't matter what universe you're in. There are bad partners in every reality. Bad boyfriends buy vacuum cleaners, and bad girlfriends buy themselves a pretty new outfit and claim it's for their partner. Y'all know I am all about the pleasures of the humanoid body, but that ain't a Valentine's Day gift.

Rob: With a single spritz, Notta Perfume can take you from drab to fab.

Dolly: I think that was my line, because it did not sound right coming out of you.

Mito: Let's get real. It's hard to be in a committed relationship.

Dolly: You have to listen to their boring work stories, laugh at their dumb jokes, and argue about their attractive coworkers. Worst of all, their romantic expectations are always too high.

Rob: You can't go to a restaurant. You did that on your anniversary. You can't buy her jewelry unless it's that one bracelet she mentioned eight months ago. If you try to buy her something else, she'll be upset because 'she's allergic to fake silver.' Oh, stars, I feel so uncomfortable.

Dolly: I'd take over, but you keep making the funniest faces.

Rob: You could try to support her hobbies, but then she'll be mad you bought her a vacuum.

Dolly: Who wrote this? Why do they think cleaning is a hobby, and what poor woman is putting up with this asshole? Sugar, if you're out there, raise your self-esteem and date a grown up.

Mito: So get your girlfriend, wife, or estranged neighbor the gift she really wants. It's not a perfume. It comes in a black bottle.

Dolly: Cupid slows down as he reaches the top of another hill. From this vantage point, we can see dozens of couples picnicking below. Heavens to Betsy, that's a charming sight. Look at that cute little couple. They've got on matching outfits and they're laying on a little gingham blanket while they feed each other chocolate covered strawberries. Oh, to be young again.

Cupid: Love is dead!

Mito: After delivering what can only be described as a war cry, Cupid nocks an arrow and takes aim at the sickly sweet couple. Rob, care to weigh in?

Rob: He definitely knows his way around a compound bow. His form is perfect, and I can really see why he has those fantastic shoulder muscles.

Dolly: Ooh. Rob, it sounds like you have a little crush.

Rob: I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to acknowledge another man's skill.

Mito: Cupid looses the arrow. It strikes the man with the chocolate covered strawberries. Before I can blink, a second arrow strikes a woman sitting on a nearby blanket. The man looks at his partner in the matching outfit. He politely nudges her out of his personal space. Without wasting any time, he hurries over to the woman struck by the second arrow. As I brace myself for a duel to the death, they… oh, they're just kissing. Never mind. I thought we were about to see some excitement.

Dolly: My, oh my. They are really going for it.

Rob: As the abandoned partners scream at the new couple, more arrows descend.

Mito: With every passing moment, couples break up. Cupid is shuffling the entire hillside like a deck of cards.

Cupid: Love is dead! No one will ever be in love again.

Rob: Uh, Mito? Since you're already on the list, maybe you could be the one to point out the obvious.

Dolly: It seems like a job for a lead reporter.

Mito: Fine. Hey, uh, Cupid?

Cupid: I am the terror of my world! I am a villain unlike any seen before! No one shall ever again experience love!

Mito: You're definitely memorable. I just wanted to clarify a few points. You're um, breaking up couples by forming… new couples.

Cupid: Oh. That's because… they're supposed to… shit.

Dolly: It's okay, sugar. Villainous debuts never go to plan. Why don't you go on back to your castle and think on it. I know you can come up with something that can scare the boots off these folks.

Cupid: I don't want to scare them. I just want them not to be in love. Why do they get to have their perfect, happy relationships when I'm in so much pain?

Mito: I'm uncomfortable around tears, so I politely look away. While I avert my eyes, I see a beautiful woman marching up the hill.

Rob: Can you try to be a little sympathetic? Haven't you ever gone through a nasty breakup?

Mito: Who would ever want to break up with me?

Dolly: Mito would have to start dating before she could go through a breakup.

Psyche: Cupid? Did you do all this?

Cupid: Psyche? How dare you show your face! I should've known you would come to taunt me at my lowest hour.

Psyche: Lowest hour? Did they kill off another doctor in Violet's Anatomy?

Cupid: Don't act innocent. You know what you did.

Dolly: I think Cupid is referring to the breakup.

Psyche: Dr. Handsome broke up with Dr. Violet? Oh, sweetie. It's okay. We'll get some ice cream and it'll all feel better.

Cupid: You tore out my heart and put it in a woodchipper! Foul harpy, begone from this land.

Dolly: I'm gonna go out on a limb here. Psyche, did you leave your husband for Little Bo Peep?

Psyche: What? No! Bo is just a friend, Cupid. I need to have friends. The therapist said it's important for couples to spend some time apart. I know I was gone a little longer than expected, but Mary lost her little lamb and it took us a while to track him down. As it turns out, having fleece as white as snow isn't a very distinguishing feature when you have a thousand sheep grazing. Don't worry. He fell down a ravine, but his fluff cushioned the fall.

Cupid: Don't make excuses. I know you love her.

Psyche: I really don't. She's fun, but best in small doses. She has a really squeaky voice and she never shuts up about the sheep. It was kind of charming at first, but now I'm over it. Honestly, if I didn't smoke as much of the good stuff while we watch the sheep, I think Little Bo Peep would be the one who fell down a ravine.

Cupid: But you were gone for ages.

Psyche: I'm not going to drive a chariot while I'm under the influence. Sweetie, you have to stop panicking every time I'm gone overnight. This is why the therapist thinks we're codependent.

Cupid: We aren't codependent. We're in love. He just doesn't know what real love looks like.

Psyche: Okay, well your mom, the literal goddess of love, is concerned.

Dolly: I thought Venus and Psyche hate each other?

Psyche: Please don't spread vicious gossip. We've had a thousand years to get over our issues. She tormented me because I was pretty, and now I help her torment other pretty girls. Honestly, she's a very entertaining mother-in-law. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to my husband.

Dolly: I suppose we can give the couple their privacy.

Rob: Thank you all for watching our Valentine's Day special.

Mito: That was my line. No one likes a thief, Rob. Just for that, I'm taking the outro. Next up is Violet's Anatomy. When rebel scum threaten to blow up the Glundarkian teaching hospital, how will the surgeons manage to operate on the first ever case of conjoined Neo-Noctorians. Stay tuned to find out.

Dolly: Ta-ta for now my lovelies.