[Episode 23] Villainette de Eville Finally Revealed?

Interesting Fact: Like cars and restaurants, the Michelle Tire Company is charged with rating prisons. Many people think the Super Super Super Max prisons were awarded their supers based on the security measures in place. While it is true that triple super prisons have extensive security measures, these penetentaries are actually rated on the quality of their food.

Mito and Rob chase Dolly's tracker across the known universe. As they attempt to rescue her from the kidnappers, they find themselves inside a super super super max prison. Unfortunately for Mito, this isn't any high security prison planet. This is the world that killed Dr. Ravenwood.

Announcer: Welcome to the Crack – the wound between worlds, the rift amongst the stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You're watching, the CBW Channel.

Rob: Hi. I'm Rob Skythrust and you're watching the CBW Channel.

Mito: Never mind that. Our viewers aren't idiots. They know what channel they're watching. They know I'm Mito'ca'hondria, Powerhoose of Cellaria, and you're Rob Skythrust. Most of our viewers can count, so I'm sure they've noticed we're missing our third member, and if they don't, they're idiots who never deserved Dolly.

Rob: Mr. Stanton said we weren't allowed to insult the viewers. He is graciously allowing us to look into Dolly's disappearance, but only as long as we do it during our time slot. Honestly, you could've just let me do the intro. It probably would've saved time.

Mito: Shut up, Rob.

Rob: Make sure your psychic receptors are tuned in. If you don't have psychic receptors—

Mito: Move it along!

Rob: Dolly has been missing for over seventy-two hours. You've seen the same true crime shows I have. We both know the outlook is not good.

Mito: Shut up, Rob. Dolly is tough. I'm sure the only reason she hasn't turned up yet is because the kidnapper has a baby.

Rob: A baby?

Mito: You know how she gets around babies.

Rob: Right. Yes, I'm sure Dolly is playing with a baby right now. On a farm. A big farm. A farm with lots of babies and sweet tea.

Mito: Don't patronize me. Do you think I haven't heard everyone talking behind my back? I heard perky Fern and stupid Kragen Hunt ask you if they could take over our time slot.

Rob: They were showing concern for a friend. Everyone knows you haven't been reacting well to Dolly's disappearance. Fern says you've been compulsively braiding your own hair.

Mito: You take that back. I don't care about my hair. I'm not like other girls.

Rob: Your hair is braided right now.

Mito: It's not my braid. A friend did it for me.

Rob: As I open my mouth to remind Mito that I am her closest friend, I realize how stupid this conversation is. We're wasting time that could've been spent investigating Dolly's disappearance.

Mito: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Rob: So let's get through the introduction. If you don't have your psychic receptors tuned in, do it now. You're going to want to see Mito's braid. It is really complicated. My girlfriend wears war braids, and they never looked half as aggressive.

Mito: They're just standard Glundark hawk-loops.

Rob: If you don't have psychic receptors, you can order a synthetic pair at Fickle Fackle Emporium. If you use our special CBW Channel code, you can get twenty percent off.

Mito: The code will now flash across your eyelids.

Rob: We will try to describe the visuals for our viewers without psychic receptors-

Mito: Yes, yes. We'll narrate as we go. Let's move out, Rob.

Mito: We materialize in a dark, desolate land.

Rob: Mito, the sun is shining. There are fluffy clouds gliding across the purple fields.

Mito: The grass is lavender. But Dolly would call it lilac.

Rob: I stare at a sheep. It looks bewildered by my presence. I feel a kinship with this sheep.

Mito: Let's get started before Dolly's cowardly kidnappers can escape. I march through the bleak wasteland, determined not to let another moment pass me by. Rob follows.

Rob: I guess when Mito calls it bleak and dark, she means it in the emotional sense. It honestly doesn't look anything like I pictured, but I know this world has seen tragedy.

Mito: Tragedy? This world has seen so much worse than mere tragedy. This is the planet that killed Dr. Ravenwood.

Rob: Viewers, I'm as confused as you are. Last I heard, Dr. Ravenwood was killed by a nanite swarm while investigating labor violations on a dystopian prison planet. This feels like an amazing place to live.

Mito: Jokes? At a time like this. Pick up the pace!

Rob: I'm going, I'm going. My long strides pass Mito almost immediately. I was holding back so her short legs could keep up, but I'm not going to argue when she's so frazzled. As I lope towards the barn, I take a moment to breathe in the peaceful air. I never knew air could be peaceful. Honestly, I thought it would smell like sheep shit, but the soft breeze carries the scent of flowers. Maybe the sheep are potty trained? Can sheep be potty trained? I am not a shepherd.

Mito: Keep up, Rob.

Rob: Apparently, Mito took my pace as a challenge. This would usually be the part where I talk about our sponsor, but she is really moving across the field. Wow. I didn't know she could run that fast. I hurry after her.

Mito: I slow as we approach the dastardly hideout of the conniving villains.

Rob: It's a barn. It might look a little rounder than I'm used to, but I can recognize a barn.

Mito: This is where Marketing tracked Dolly's signal.

Rob: Marketing can track us? I knew somebody was monitoring our trackers, but I thought it was Security.

Mito: I don't know, Rob. Nobody knows what Marketing does. I think they're the junk drawer of the CBW Channel. If Mr. Stanton doesn't know who should have a duty, he throws it at Marketing. Shouldn't you know this? You've been in the Crack for months.

Rob: Right. Sorry. Please continue.

Mito: We've been hit by so many temporal storms, the insurance company threatened to sue Mr. Stanton for fraud.

Rob: We have insurance?

Mito: Don't be ridiculous. The shiny silver lead reporter hats are insured. Obviously, Dr. Ravenwood could've devised a clever solution, but the best Mr. Stanton could come up with was a tracking device.

Rob: I don't remember getting a tracking device.

Mito: Why do you think Mr. Stanton brought us donuts?

Rob: He said they were a token of his appreciation.

Mito: There were trackers in the sprinkles.

Rob: Well, now I feel stupid.

Mito: Marketing tracked Dolly to this location. Haven't you figured it out?

Rob: As Mito looks at me expectantly, I try to think of a suitable response. When I notice the demented gleam in her eye, I realize how dumb it is to say something reasonable. Clearly, she wants me to meet her in Crazy Town.

Rob: The sheep kidnapped Dolly.

Mito: I scowl at Rob. He is the worst.

Rob: Hey!

Mito: This is the planet where Dr. Ravenwood died, and now Dolly has been kidnapped and brought here. Do you think that's a coincidence?

Rob: I'm too jaded to believe in coincidences.

Mito: The same person who killed Dr. Ravenwood is obviously planning to murder Dolly. We have to stop them.

Rob: Okay, I now understand why you were in such a hurry, but let's think logically. Why would anyone want to kill Dolly? She's a sweet old lady. She bakes pies and cobblers. It's a little weird that she hits on any man that breathes, but that's no reason to kill her. Besides, Dr. Ravenwood died during a nanite swarm. It was a tragic accident.

Mito: Maybe there's a serial killer murdering reporters? I don't know.

Rob: I consider Mito's theory. Suddenly, she looks a little smaller than usual. I'd better stay close. Just to be safe.

Mito: Smart. I'll protect you.

Rob: Okay, Mito. Are you sure Dr. Ravenwood was murdered? Mito looks out onto the purple horizon as she considers this question.

Mito: I'm not the font of all knowledge, Rob. If there are answers, we'll find them here.

Warden: Hey! You two better not be harassing the sheep. They're serving their time. Let them be.

Mito: You're the warden we spoke to last time.

Warden: Oh! Mito'callie'honker, right? You were with the reporters from the CBW channel. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you did for us. After your interview aired, corporate caved and let us start taking lunch breaks. We even get paid extra for overtime. They almost let us have smoke breaks too, so we could have a Llama cigarette every now and then. They changed their mind after some of the guys started coming down with emphysema and lung cancer. Ha. Weaklings. Now we have health insurance, so I guess I can't complain.

Mito: Yes, we're really awesome. Have you seen Dolly around here? She's short. She has wispy, white hair, a round, wrinkled face, and gnarled fingers.

Warden: I don't think I've seen her since the interview.

Mito: Are you sure? She was last seen in a pink velour tracksuit.

Warden: Sorry, miss. The only person I've seen today is Hank, and I don't think pink is his color.

Mito: Ugh!

Rob: Sorry about her. She's going through a difficult time.

Warden: I can imagine. That makes, what, two dead coworkers in a year? [hushed] You don't think she has something to do with it, do you?

Rob: Mito isn't like that. If she doesn't like someone, she'll just announce a blood feud.

Warden: You sure?

Rob: Positive. She bickers with Fern, one of the Epic Battle Announcers, but I've seen them getting along when no one is looking. The only people she actually wants dead are the censors, and they haven't dared to leave their office in months. What makes you suspicious about Dr. Ravenwood's death?

Warden: Oh, that was the name of that skinny, scarecrow-looking fellow. For some reason, I kept wanting to call him Gilgamesh. Well, Bob- Can I call you Bob?

Rob: It's Rob, actually, but call me what you like. I've probably heard worse.

Warden: Rob, Dr. Ravenwood's death was just plain bizarre.

Rob: I don't really understand what nanites do. Can you explain it like you're talking to a child?

Warden: Nanites are tiny machines that work on the nanoscale. When enough of them swarm, they can rewrite the DNA of sentient life forms.

Rob: A dumb child. A really, really dumb child. Imagine a five-year-old who doesn't understand the concept of doorknobs.

Warden: Okay, um… do you see those sheep?

Rob: I love those sheep. They're so fluffy.

Rob: A curious sheep trots over. This one almost looks like it has glasses. Man, I love sheep.

Warden: I'd have to check the tag on his ear to be certain, but I'm pretty sure that's Vigasreth the Star Destroyer. He turned a red sun into a supernova after his boss fired him.

Rob: The sheep blew up a star?

Warden: He wasn't a sheep then. He had four thumbs and a pair of elbows, just like everyone else on his planet.

Rob: I stare at the sheep, searching for an evil gleam in his eye, or at least a thumb buried beneath all that fluff.

Warden: Nanites, Rob. The Interdimensional Travel Bureau arrested him when he tried to hop universes. After his conviction in intergalactic court, he was sentenced to life in prison. This planet is one of the few Super Super Super Max prisons on this side of the galaxy, so he was brought here.

Rob: Ma'am, that is a sheep.

Warden: Dumb child? He should've said brain dead. [Louder] Humanoid prisoner make big danger. Many prisoner make big, big danger. Sheep safe.

Rob: I stare at the warden. I hope she's having a stroke. If she's talking to me, I don't think this conversation is going to end well.

Warden: The nanites turn the prisoners into sheep. It's much more humane than locking them in a cage somewhere. The sheep get to roam wherever they like. There's food and water stations set up all over the planet. We even have sheep-sized toilets, and we project movies into the sky every evening. I know they'd probably rather be humanoid, but the prisoners lost that privilege when they became mass-murders. The nanites are the best security measure we have. They don't kill people. They don't even swarm unless they sense a prisoner in the database.

Rob: So I'm not going to turn into a sheep?

Warden: Nope. The nanites scanned you as soon as you arrived. You've been breathing them all this time, and I bet you never even noticed.

Rob: Alright. I think I understand. If the nanites are safe, what happened to Dr. Ravenwood? Did they think he was a prisoner?

Warden: I don't know. I've been racking my brains for months. Even if the nanites registered Dr. Ravenwood as an escaped prisoner, they would've just rearranged his limbs.

Rob: Instead, they tore him to pieces.

Warden: Devoured might be a better word. It was gruesome. Mito and I came running as soon as we heard Dolly shrieking. It was too late for him, but I managed to deactivate them before they could obliterate Dolly. It was awful. Way worse than the time the sheep formed a cannibalistic cult.

Rob: Is that something I need to watch out for?

Warden: No, the sheep know better than to try it again. We played nothing but educational toddler programming until they stopped nibbling on the new inmates.

Rob: Okay?

Warden: Everyone came to investigate the crime scene. The police. Internal Affairs. The Committee for Decency Among Prisoners, or C-DAP. I think the Intergalactic Travel Bureau even got involved. It looks like the nanites malfunctioned.

Rob: Or maybe they were hacked.

Warden: That isn't how hacking works. There was no sign of any outside interference, except, well, this is a bit of a crazy theory.

Rob: I love crazy theories. In my line of work, they're nearly all true.

Warden: About forty standard minutes before the nanites swarmed Dr. Ravenwood, they registered the return of an escaped prisoner. We know her as You Know That One or The Evil Sorceress Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. I think I've heard you and Mito call her something else during your show.

Rob: Villainette De Eville. My eyes widen as I realize what this means. This can't be a coincidence. Again and again, me and my team run into the aftermath of Villainette's evil deeds. Although we've never seen her in person, she seems as inescapable as the Crack Between Worlds.

Mito: There you are! Have you two been gabbing this entire time? We only have so long before Rob and I return to the Crack. Every minute matters.

Rob: Mito, Villainette de Eville might've been on this planet right before Dr. Ravenwood died. What if she's the one killing reporters?

Mito: Oh, stars. That makes too much sense. I don't remember ever offending her, but sometimes I say offensive things without realizing it.

Rob: You know about that?

Mito: Maybe I spilled coffee on her a few years ago. It's not like anyone knows what she looks like. It isn't my fault.

Rob: It could've been the name. Maybe she didn't find it flattering. Should I come up with a new one? I could call her Gorgeous McBeautiful Pants.

Mito: It probably wouldn't help. She tends to hold a grudge. [upset] Dolly was right! We should've stuck to the usual monikers.

Rob: If Dolly were here, she'd say there's no point crying over spilt milk. Or maybe she would've said something about cornbread? I'm not sure. Maybe she would've said it reminded her of our sponsor, Fickle Fackle Emporium.

Mito: Do we have to?

Rob: Do you want to argue with the dragon?

Mito: Fickle Fackle Emporium. Do you need stuff? Do you have money? Visit Fickle Fackle Emporium.

Rob: Wait! Bring back the music. That is not the ad we were supposed to recite.

Mito: Fine.

Mito: Visit Fickle Fackle Emporium for poorly made products that almost seem worth the incredibly low price. Do you like apples? Try Almost Apples, the apples that are practically apples by most definitions. Is your house overrun with tiny, energetic people? Clean up after them with Moist Towels, the biodegradable, mushroom-based alternative to standard reusable wipes.

Rob: Do you like to relax when you come home from a hard day's work? Gingerly perch on [weird voice] The Couch while you watch the latest episode of Love Chasm.

Mito: You work hard. Your money shouldn't have to. Throw it away on impulse purchases and cheap, single-use products. Visit Fickle Fackle Emporium. You know there's no fickle fackle way you could afford the real products.

Rob: Is it just me, or did that commercial seem more insulting than usual?

Mito: I think it might've been sponsored by the competition. Does it matter? We're here for Dolly. Focus Rob.

Rob: I thought you were tracking her signal.

Mito: I was, but the nanites are interfering. Warden, can you turn them off for a few moments?

Warden: Not if I don't want to end up a sheep here. Can you see where the interference is coming from?

Mito: Near North Cliff.

Warden: North Cliff? That's where Dr. Ravenwood, uh…

Mito: I'm aware.

Warden: I'll give you a ride. Hop onto my mobo.

Rob: Mito and I quickly hop onto his… mobo. It looks a little like a buggy, except it's lime green and there are no horses. It's too small to be a car, and it isn't nearly as fun as a motorcycle.

Mito: It's a vehicle. Does it matter?

Rob: I don't know. I'm just trying to be a good narrator. You're barely trying, and Dolly-

Mito: I know, Rob. The mobo slows as the Warden reaches the outbuilding. It's no more than a sheep snack shack, but it reeks of evil.

Warden: Here you are. Good luck finding Dottie.

Mito: I sprint around the outbuilding. Every step I take, the feeling of doom increases. North Cliff positively radiates malevolence.

Rob: I think about telling Mito she's projecting, but she's going through a tough time. Hopefully, Dolly is doing better. She's a tough old bird, but she's still a little frail.

Mito: Oh stars.

Rob: As we round the outbuilding, I see it. The whirlwind stretches wide and short. Dried purple hay flies into the vortex. It's shifting, changing into something dreadfully familiar.

Rob: Living, breathing static flows through the whirlwind. It's filled with more colors than my mind can comprehend. This is the temporal storm that has chased us across the universe.

Mito: I squint through the gale as I look for any hint of familiarity. Last time I saw this whirlwind, we were in the nuclear wasteland. If Dr. Ravenwood showed up there, surely he could speak to us in the place where his life ended. The winds move so quickly, the walls are nearly opaque. I see a glimpse of pink.

Rob: Dolly! Dolly, are you in there?

Mito: Dolly!

Rob: The whirlwind flares. I see a short, pink silhouette.

Dolly: Help! I'm trapped.

Mito: I look for something to disrupt the whirlwind. Would a rake help? I don't think a rake would help.

Rob: I could stab it, but that doesn't seem right either.

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood?

Rob: I follow Mito's gaze and stare at the emerging face. It's a man. He's thin and reedy. Short, dark hair and a skinny mustache obscure his scarecrow face. Bronze glasses gleam inside the swirling static. It's the face I saw in the nuclear wasteland and at the Origin of Time.

Mito: Dr. Ravenwood! You have to help Dolly. She's trapped in there. Quick, before the kidnappers come back.

Rob: The figure shakes his head.

Dolly: Help me, Mito. This whirlwind is killing me. I'm dying, Mito. Dying, I tell you.

Rob: I grab Mito's arm as she lurches toward the whirlwind. Stop. You aren't a hero anymore. We don't know what that whirlwind will do to you.

Mito: Don't just stand there. We have to help her.

Rob: Dr. Ravenwood peels away from the whirlwind. He's translucent, but he seems more solid with every passing moment. He's trying to say something.

Dr. Ravenwood: D-d-d-o-o-o-o-lly. D-d-d-o-o-o-o-lly d-d-d-i-i-id th-i-i-i-is (Dolly did this, but in a strange distorted voice)

Mito: I don't understand. What are you saying? Are you trying to protect Dolly from Villainette de Eville?

Dr. Ravenwood: D-d-d-o-o-o-o-lly k-i-i-i-lled m-e-e-e-e (Dolly killed me)

Rob: Dolly killed Dr. Ravenwood? Mito shakes her head, unbelieving.

Mito: No, no. She tried to save you. The nanites recorded a visit from Villainette de Eville only forty minutes before your death. She must've been the one to kill you. She used a spell or something. It nearly killed Dolly too.

Rob: Mito, Dolly has magic. We've seen her use it against Tayla Quick. Think about all the weird details that never made sense. She's too old to be a main character, and mentors are never as complex as Dolly. She's a villain.

Mito: So what if she's a villain? Half the CBW channel is villainous. She's Dolly, our Dolly. She'd never kill Dr. Ravenwood. They were friends.

Dolly: Mito, please! You have to trust me. You know I'd never do nothing to hurt you.

Rob: I look up to see the Warden squealing to a stop on his mobo. With him are two motion-sick people in strange gray uniforms.

Warden: Look out! It's the po-po.

Dolly: Oh, rats.

Rob: I don't know what a po-po is, but they are marching straight towards us.

Mito: They look like law enforcement. One of our viewers must've called emergency services. This is perfect. They can help us get Dolly out of there.

Police: Villainette de Eville, you are under arrest.

Dolly: That is not my name!

Mito: How dare they! Dolly is not Villainette de Eville.

Rob: Mito…

Mito: She wouldn't do that. Dr. Ravenwood was confused. Dolly can't be Villainette de Eville.

Rob: As Mito speaks, she begins stress-braiding her hair once again. I do not have a good feeling about this. Stay tuned, I guess.

Mito: Yes, keep watching the CBW channel. I'm sure there's another show after ours.

Police: Please step aside. We'd like to ask you two a few questions about your acquaintance.

Rob: I don't like my job.

Mito: Viewers, please excuse us while we talk to the incompetent police force.

Rob: She doesn't mean that.

Mito: I do mean that. Dolly is not some evil sorceress. If you'd done the bare minimum of investigation, you'd know that. Dolly is not Villainette de Eville.